How to make close friends as an adult?

[HollyGoLoudly1]

I have lots of friends. But not close ones. I'm always invited to large group events, so birthdays, big group lunches or days out etc. But always as part of a group. I just never seem go make it over the threshold for 'close friend' activities like a spa day, coffee at the house, a last minute mid-week drink to catch up. I'm in lots of group chats but 1:1 chats are practically non-existent.

I have tried to initiate more things recently with different groups as I have started to feel really left out over the past year or so. I want to make an effort to be sociable for my young son, so he has also has friends and things to do. But it doesn't seem like I'm a favoured member of any group and plans usually fall by the wayside, or are often not made in the first place. People just don't want to spend time with me.

What am I doing wrong? Maybe I am just not a very likable person and need to get used to being on the sidelines. I've deleted my only social media and I couldn't face seeing another picture of another activity I have been left out of. Another picture of kids I thought my son was friendly with off at yet another soft play or park without including him. It stings

Hopeful bump for some advice

I moved country in my 40s and had to start over again making friends and it is really hard, there's no doubt. After five years, I would say I now have a couple of friends and (fingers crossed!) have met someone else I am hopeful will become a friend. I am aware that those friendships are fragile and could easily fall by the way side as our lives change.

My advice, you need to throw yourself in everything - meet loads of people - dust yourself down when another person you hoped would become a friend doesn't and go out there and keep going. Join groups you are genuinely interested in,. Take a deep breath and go up to new people and chat to them.

Its a numbers game really. You need the numbers to find someone you genuinely like, who genuinely likes you and who has space in their life for a new good friend.

Good luck OP. Its not easy. I really had to develop a thick skin to keep going.

Hmm, I'm not part of any big friendship groups either so maybe not the best to dole out advice but re playdates, trips to soft play etc I just ask and don't take it personally if it doesn't happen. How old is your child? Are there any other members of the big friendship groups who seem a bit on the sidelines or who might have more free time? This might sound callous but the best mum friends I've made have been single mums, probably because they're more interested in having adult company at weekends.

Have you tried inviting one person round who you really like, have things in common with for coffee? Maybe they haven’t done it with you because you haven’t done it first? Just a thought.

I tend to get a feel for people in group settings first and move on from there. I will know from one 1:1 meet up if I want to do it again, it’s a bit like dating! X

but the best mum friends I've made have been single mums, probably because they're more interested in having adult company at weekends

This is so true.

@DuckaLucka

Have you tried inviting one person round who you really like, have things in common with for coffee? Maybe they haven’t done it with you because you haven’t done it first? Just a thought.

I tend to get a feel for people in group settings first and move on from there. I will know from one 1:1 meet up if I want to do it again, it’s a bit like dating! X

I have done this a few times and generally the invite is accepted. So I don't think I'm universally hated or anything. But it's not often reciprocated. So it feels like they're happy to spend time with me when I'm offering my house, food, coffee and toys for the kids but don't think enough of me to go to the same effort in return.

It's funny you say it's like dating, that's exactly how I described it when I was on mat leave trying to make these friends in the first place (we moved area when inwas pregnant). Maybe I still need to kiss a few more frogs to find my (platonic) prince(ss).

Thanks for the replies, it has helped.

Hi, similar thing happened to me when DS was small. I would have numerous play dates with the same children at our house but rarely receive an invite to their house. I would be the one they called up to suddenly have their child when something urgent had come up but still hardly any invites in return. I would organise night’s out for the Mum’s and people wouldn’t show (without letting me know) or do something else as a group and not think to invite me. It hurt but I reached the point when I stopped organising anything with the old group and reached out to parents of other children. Once my DS started school we made other friends. It did hurt but actually I am better for it now as previously I felt used. I never organised anything and then always expected a play date in return but I was getting to the point where these children had been to our house 6 or more times. I also went through a guilty phase thinking my DS would miss out but he didn’t and now he has closer friends and we share play dates. I would say continue reaching out to new friends. It is hard when you feel as though you are doing all the work but hang in there and maybe those friendships are just not meant to be. I still have some contact with the old group who comment that we should catch up etc but as I don’t organise anything it never eventuates into anything so now I don’t stress.

Do you have a WhatsApp group for the big meals out etc? Invite people to your house for coffee or drinks one evening. Put out a message seeing if anyone would like to come to the cinema or the theatre or an exercise class with you. Doing things like that, and sharing lifts to get there, are good ways to develop friendship.

Join lots of things out of your comfort zone. You might not enjoy them all but even one would be a bonus. Often those things lead to other other things.

Fwiw, I had no friends in my teens and twenties but have lots now. I’ve found that friends without children or without similar aged children are the closest ones. With the ones with children you have a false impression that you have lots in common but actually all you have in common is having children of a similar age. And things fall apart when the children drift apart and form new friendship groups, as they invariably do.

OP, it does take time. People are slow to change. They have their routines, and their 'go to' people and various things they have to juggle and worry about. If they're accepting your invitations and you're part of a group then it's clearly not personal, it's just that they haven't seen you in that way before and don't think of it. You must not take it personally. As a PP said, it takes effort and a bit of resilience. Take a deep breath, put a smile on your face and keep trying. Keep inviting people, keep an eye out for shared interests or things in common. It takes time.

Dh and I relocated 4 years ago and had to start from scratch.
I don't have kids so for me it was about trying to make friends for me, rather than friends for my child - so I don't know if the dynamics are the same.
I threw myself into a couple of groups - one 'sporty' as I find active people are typically 'doers'. I've met so many lovely friends from that.
On your point about people not reciprocating OP, I put in most of the effort for the first 3 years and it felt very one-sided. Now I'm overwhelmed with offers to do this and do that, so maybe just keep at it and bide your time.

There will be a lot of people who relate to this I’d imagine. I certainly do - moved area with tiny baby. This was my experience with the first group of friends I tried to make but then I met more and more people as DC started nursery etc. I would say I now have 2 close friends and lots more close-ish friends but like you said it took a lot of time. I doubt you’re doing anything wrong or that there’s anything wrong with you

Yes this is me too.

Have a lot of friends who I chat to in large groups.

Cannot seem to develop closer bonds.

I did used to be able to do this a few years ago and not sure what changed.

I always accept invitations unless I’m away but lately I have found if I arrange meet ups, eg meeting for lunch, walk, drinks or coffee etc the friend either declines as they are busy seeing other friends or they say yes but then cancel on the day or day before.

It has a knock on effect on my confidence which means I stop arranging things as much. Then I’m reliant on others organising.

Add to that, that one of my closest friends has gone a bit batshit crazy on me at the moment and I’m desperate to branch out and develop more social interactions. It’s not a good mix.

I often wonder if it’s me, or something I’ve done. I’m chatty and friendly but don’t let my guard down or open up easily as I’ve been walked over or stabbed in the back a few times which makes me guarded!

If you find the answer please share your secret!

I would say about your son that I tried and failed to make friends with the school mums when I got here. Eventually I gave up and joined some theme based kids activities and he and I made our two friends there. Now he is older he is able to make his own friends and can have play dates without me having to be friends with the other kid's mums. I also put him in the after school club a couple of days a week even when I was not working and into the local beavers (scouts) group to help him have more opportunity to play with and make friends with the kids in his class. That has been a very long term project but in the end it has paid off I think. I think those things helped compensate for the fact that he was not having play dates after school with them but he was still having time to play with the other kids at those things.

I don’t like large groups, hate small talk and am also quite particular about who I make friends with so I’ve always focused on 121s and smaller groups.

I’d say it’s not personal, everyone gets wrapped up in their own lives and often grabs the nearest person, not the dearest, especially when the kids are small. Oftentimes you meet people in NCT classes who you have nothing in common with apart from having a baby.

I think it’s particularly bad at the moment as it feels a bit like we are trying to work out what our lives look like after all the lockdowns, restrictions etc, and I think people are prioritising family and used to being more insular and self sufficient.

It is indeed quite like dating as you don’t know what the other person thinks/wants and aren’t about to go laying it on the line.

I do a lot of the organising for my meet ups but figure someone has to and I’m good at it.

Work is the place I’ve met the majority of my good friends.

I could literally have wrote this. If I invited others and their kids to mine I’d have a house full but can count on one hand how many times the invite was reciprocated. I understand that it doesn’t have to be like for like (I invite you to my house, you invite me to yours etc) but the effort was never there and my energy was not matched. I’d see posts on social media where a trip to the park, picnic, whatever had been arranged yet myself and my son were not included I stopped making the effort with these ‘friends’ and inevitably I didn’t hear from or see them. I’m lonely and it hurts, I don’t know what it is about me that people don’t like

My best friend is my best friend from school. We live in different countries I am in UK she is in Ireland but we chat every week and meet up 3 or 4 times a year. I made friends at child's cricket club. The matches take about 5 hours and so parents tend to take a picnic. I always take extra food or sometimes a cake for whole team. I offer to make bacon sandwich at half time for team. It is surprising how many of the kids in the team come and sit with us and chat. Then parents come and chat too. I have been invited for coffee in week and BBQs by parents we met at cricket. I organized a Pantomime trip for cricket club kids too. I find if you offer to organise things and DH is treasurer too you get invited more. DH and I also joined cricket club as social members and go to quizzes, theme nights, trips etc and child can come to and plays in another room with other kids. Child has been invited to several things outside of cricket too. I think you make friends because of the length of time sitting together supporting kids.

Thanks everyone. I've read all the comments and it really does help to know it's not just me. I think I need to take a step back from certain groups for a while and focus on more positive things like family activities. Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll feel more resilient and ready to get back out there.

I'm not ready to give up yet, I really do want to develop better, more meaningful friendships. I think I need a bit of time to lick my wounds and regroup, then put my brave face on and try a new club or activity. Thanks everyone for the support

I also have this problem and often have friendships which I feel are one sided. I have simply not contacted the person and so the friendship has slipped away. I would rather do that than have a one sided friendship though.

I often find I am the one who makes the effort though. Often I am invited to a group meeting but not invited again. I wonder why. I haven't really made friends with any school mums in my dd year. I tried with one but again it wasn't reciprocated. So I have backed away.

I am not good in groups as I find the others in the group seem to have closer relationships and I end up feeling upset. I am not the one people think of to invite to things but they are happy to attend if I invite them.

Consequently I don't have large groups of friends anymore and keep things more 1-1 or 1-3/4. I made friends with Ds school mums but really had to make an effort over a period of time and it paid off. I then have other friends I met through dh who have developed again over time. Things take time. When I see big groups I can sometimes feel upset but remind myself these situations can be false at times and remind myself I finally seem to have genuine friendships even though they are few. I have been hurt in the past so protect myself now.

I could have wrote your post , I’m in exactly the same position . I hope things are better for you now x

I don't think you can "decide" to make "close friends".

For me, "close" friendships evolve over time. You look back and think ...... "I'd really miss Jane if I didn't have her as a friend". You can't engineer it though. You just spend time with people - often through circumstance (you commute together or walk the dc to school together every day or you volunteer together or sit next to each other at a hobby). Some of those people turn out to be friends 'of a time' and every now and then you just connect on a deeper level for some reason. Maybe you laugh at the same things. Maybe you have a shared experience. But I always find it odd on all the friendship threads on MN where people ask about how you make friends, or how you make a close friend, as I don't think it is something you decide about a friendship. It isn't like shopping where you go an choose someone to be friends with. You just put yourself out there and 'be friendly' with people, and statistically, the more people you mix with and are friendly with, the more likely you are to connect with people that go on, over time, to become good friends.

The other thing I think odd on many of these posts is that people still want to 'score' who invited who or who hosted. To my mind, if you enjoyed spending time together, why wouldn't you then suggest doing it again? Maybe the "but then they never invited me to their house" thinking, is a barrier you are just unnecessarily putting in the way.