To send son back to his old school?

[JeanD75]

Hi everybody,

I'm a first time poster looking for some advice. I posted this same message on another Mum's forum in case anybody has seen it. I get the forums confused - one is for the UK is it not and the other for the States?? I digress, anyhow...

We moved house last June to a new town and moved my son from his old school to a new school. My son was in Yr 1 and is now in Yr 2.

The move has been challenging for my partner who hates the town we have moved to and has become depressed. We have been here around 9 months now. My partner just wants to return to our old town, which isn't too far away (around 15 miles) as the new town we are in is much quieter and he misses the buzz, sense of community of our old town and conveniences of it.

My son settled into his new school well but has only really made one significant friend. In his old school he had a best friend and a was part of a larger gang of friends - around 8 boys who would play interchangeably.

My partner and I have decided to move back to our old town but need to sort out a few things around the house we have bought before we put it back on the market so are looking to do so either around September this year or Spring next year, depending on how long things take.

There is a space for my son in his old Infant school and I'm wondering if it might be best to put him back in the school now so that he can re-bond with his friends before they head to junior school. There is a slight complication that we need to apply for the place in junior school and missed the deadline. I spoke to the local education authority and they seemed to think that if we got him back into the Infant school ASAP then he stands a good chance of still getting a place at the Juniors come acceptance day because there is always movement with regards to parents turning down places, moving etc.

My son is now nearly 7 and has now been at his new school a year. In the last month, things seem to have gone a bit awry there. Two kids in his class have been physical with him on a number of occasions, which has now stopped since I spoke to the teacher, but I worry about my son as he is quite small compared to other kids in his class and doesn't like to tell the teacher when things happen.

He never had these kinds of problems in his old class, he was definitely one of the gang and very much liked. He is on the fringes of social life in his new class and as I said only has one friend. Recently too, he seems to have had fallings out with this friend and I worry very much about how is going to thrive socially if they fall out permanently. It's not like he can go and find another kid to play with.

Is 7 a pivitol time for kids to change and come into awareness? It just feels like every day my son comes home, something has happened at school recently, a kid has kicked him or another kid has critisized him for something? Is roughly 7 an age where kids become more aware of each other and less pleasant to each other? He never really seemed to have any major issues before with regards to this kind of stuff.

His lack of friends in his new school has come as a bit of shock to me as his last class was so friendly, like a little family, and he had a good bunch of friends.

So my question is - should we attempt to move him back to his old class now (as we know we are going to move back as soon as we can)?

My concerns about this are - will his old friends have moved on or is it possible he will slot back into things with time? Petrol is an issue too. I work from home flexibly and can drop him off and pick him up from his old school but have worked it out that it will cost around £250 a month in petrol until we move. If any of you are house hunting at the moment you will know that the market is crazy and that there are few properties on the market and those that are on are going for ridiculous prices so we could be looking some time!

Any advice would be appreciated and sorry for the essay!

Thank you all :-)

If you can transport him back and forth, and you’re certain you’ll be able to sell and move back, then I’d change him now. Sounds like he and you were happier with the first school.

To move back to his old school involves an in year transfer. He will need to be the closest child applying for a place in that year. If he gets it, the move is immediate. Should you get the place, you are very fortunate. It leaves you with two options, take it now and pay the commuting costs, or gamble he will get a place in Spring 2023.

Does that really make the difference for getting place in the junior school if he moved to the old school? Isn't that depend on your address?
Moved now, and if didn't get the place in junior school with his old friends, what then?
Everything seems uncertain. I wouldn't move the school again unless he is really struggling in new school.

Thank you for responding, I appreciate all input.

I didn't mention in my previous post (as it was already quite an essay) but my son likes his new school and doesn't particularly want to go back to his old school. His new school has lots of green space to play, a forest school area they can use at breaks and he likes this freedom. His old school was essentially urban in nature and just had a concrete playground. He loved his old friends but has settled well into the new school 'environment'. So this is what makes the decision harder.
We know that we are ultimately going to move back and the decision is do we move him back now with his old friends if possible or wait til we know we are definitely able to move and then potentially move him to a completely new school? This will mean 3 new schools for him throughout his time at primary school.

Hi there, thank you for responding and your input :-)

Yes, it is an in-year transfer. I spoke to the school recently and there are a number of free spaces in his old class so we are able to move him back should we choose to. The dilemma is the junior school and cost I think.

We are not guaranteed a place at the junior school and would have to go on a waiting list. According to the criteria of the junior school, if your child is in the Infant school, you have priority above a child that lives near to the school (LAC are the first priority and trump all over criteria) so they said that once my son is back in the Infants, then he is very likely to get a place come acceptance day as there is usually movement re- people turning down places. However this is not guaranteed of course.

The second dilemma is the cost of living crisis plus increasing petrol cost. I guess only we can weigh that up and take that risk.
Lastly, my son doesn't particularly want to change schools. He enjoys the environment of his new school, which is very free spirited. My worry is that although he likes this, he doesn't really have friends and friends I think are more important longer term?

Your son’s opinion is important. He doesn’t want to move schools. You’re only moving back because your dh doesn’t like it where you mow live. He’s the adult - he needs to give himself time to settle!
Moving schools can be quite traumatic to children, even moving back to a previous school.
Pro’s:
your dh will be happier once you move back
Cons:
son wants to stay put
Petrol costs will impact in a mortgage application
Travel time - a 15 mile commute in rush hour traffic could take you an hour at a time
no guarantee of a place at the Junior school
Could be a year or more before you move - your ds needs to have school friends nearby for play dates etc

Is the junior school likely to be more oversubscribed than the infant school? If not, I would probably wait and move him later on. That's a lot of commuting to do. What is the juniors like? Is it also concrete etc or would there be aspects he would enjoy about it? It might be a more natural transition point straight into the juniors, although there is the risk it may be harder to get a place.

I would keep son where he is at moment and concentrate on building up his friendships. Play dates with local friends, joining local clubs/after school activities. The skills he learns in forming friendships will help him in future moves.
Although he's had some issues the new school sound like they deal with things well, which is half the battle ime.

Your house move situation is too uncertain and who knows what's going to happen now with the housing market over next few months. It could end up taking you longer to move than you think and your son will be without local friends.
As PP has said it is stressful for kids moving schools so I wouldn't do it in as uncertain a timescale as yours.

Moving him back won't mean he will slot back into the place he left, with his previous friendship group. The dynamics have changed. Don't pin any major life decisions on your sons old situation- that's gone now.

I'm assuming that with petrol costs, you're not considering leaving him at the current school once you've moved? So he'll have to leave that school soon enough anyway. If putting him back in his old infant school is definitely the best way to secure him a place at the junior school, then I'd move him now.

Thank you all for your thoughts, it's given me food for thought. Still no conclusions and still trying to figure a way out to keep everybody happy whilst thinking about financial implications/limitations.

Once again, thank you and I appreciate all your imput X

Different take here - what do you think about the new house and town? Your partner and son get lots of mentions, not you?

Is you husband pinning his hopes for a cure for depression on an expensive house move? that might not work out.

Yes, move him now to get him back in with the gang of friends. You don’t want to lose the spot that is there now.

If he’s been away for a year already and he feels settled where he is I wouldn’t move schools on the basis of the friends issues when you know you will eventually move anyway.

I think I would stop worrying about moving son now and focus on friendship building skills at new school.

I would put the time and energy and money I would have put into the commute on fixing things in the current house.

Once you are in a real position to start house hunting i would think about schools again - but that might be a year from now and things might have shifted a bit. You can apply to the juniors in old town for an in year transfer once you have house purchase documents using the new address.

I wouldn’t move him yet if he’s happy to stay. The commute may start to get bothersome especially if it takes longer than expected to move. If you were in the process of buying a house that would be different but it seems a big move based on plans that may or may not work out as expected.

I would keep him at his current school. He wants to stay there, he likes the school and the environment. Encourage friendships by arranging meetups out of school. Join some clubs so he has friendships outside of school.

There is no guarantee he will slot back into his old friendship group.
Moving back is a future plan, your house won't even be on the market for 6-12 months. You don't know how long selling, buying and moving will take. What if you later don't want to move?
Driving backwards and forwards to old school will be unpleasant for you and your son, and inhibit out of school socialising.

I'd also encourage your partner to try and settle in the new area, rather than move back. What drew you there in the first place? Presumably there are some advantages which made you decide to move. Going back to the previous area won't necessarily get your old life and friendships back.

Is the old infant school an official feeder school for the junior school?
If so, then if you are definitely moving back then you would presumably be high on the waiting list even living where you do if he takes up the place now. And if he doesn't slot back in, you could look to move near another school.
If it isn't a feeder school then living so far away, you'll be a long way down the list.
Even if it is a feeder school, you can't guarantee you'll have a waiting list place for September. Have you got a plan if you don't? Applying for any other school will be difficult if you haven't moved back unless it's undersubscribed.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Yes, move him now to get him back in with the gang of friends. You don’t want to lose the spot that is there now.

It's been months, that slot probably won't be open. Things will have changed within the group.

What is the junior school like where you currently live. I would be comparing the junior school choices in both towns. Are there likely to be children joining the juniors that didn't go to his past and current infant schools and are they over in under subscribed. I don't see any harm in waiting until he would be moving to a new school anyway unless you know there would be a problem getting a place. As the infants has spaces in his year it does sound as if there may be capacity in the juniors unless they tend to get additional students from out of catchment. Ask about current spaces and if they are generally at capacity or oversubscribed.

You can try to encourage his old friendships with regular visits at weekends or in the holidays for both of you to catch up with old friends. That will also help you to see if he really has a friendship group to go back to.

Have you and your husband kept in touch with old friends. 15 miles isn't far to travel for visits, but if you let old friendships drop will your dp find the move back doesn't bring him all the benefits he's expecting? Which do you see being best for each of you as individual and for you as a family.

Wouldn't he be out of catchment now? Wouldn't it affect secondary schools later on? I'd concentrate on building up his friendship group here. It won't take long at that age.

Thanks all for all of your further input :-)

So much to think about!

What do I want? Ultimately all I want is my son's happiness but I also recognise that my other half is going through an incredibly tough time since the move. I don't love the town that we have moved to either and I'm not too keen on the school either. If my son had made amazing friendships then that would certainly have encouraged me to want to keep him at the school until he finished year 6, but this is not the case. The school is also really quite religious and our family, while respectful of religious practices, is not at all of this persuasion and I feel we are fish out of water to a certain extent.

To add a bit more background, we fell in love with the property we bought but knew that it needed a lot of work. It is the extent of the work it needs that also weighs heavily on my other half. We did not end up in the area we hoped to move to originally because the market in that particular town is so very slow and we missed the big rush for available properties after the stamp duty holiday, so I think this was our first big mistake. We had to leave our old house (which we had been in for nearly 20 years) because we had had some problems with neighbours and knew it was time to move on. As it turns out, some new neighbours that moved in as we were on our way out turned out to be great but that's by the by. We needed to move anyway as we needed more space.

We compromised on area and house to a certain extent (such is life) and have found ourselves in a position that we didn't want to be in.

My son has dealt really well with the move, he is still only 6, and of course he'd rather not move again, but he is quite a flexible kid.

We are loosely in contact with the old bunch from my son's previous school as this group does not really do playdates (the families work a lot and have other commitments), play dates were always a rare thing really outside of kids parties. By the same token my son does not do play dates with the kids in his new class, as there is nobody really that he can do a play date with as he has not really gelled with many of the kids. Also, I get the feeling that this class does not hugely play date either - lots of very busy working parents with lots of commitments again.

My son does after school clubs and has loosely developed friendships there.

We are definitely going to move back to our previous town so we have to make our plans around this. It's just deciding whether or not to take the risk of moving him back to his old school ASAP and the challenges that come with that re money, fitting back in within a new dynamic and getting him into the junior school or to wait until we actually move, which could potentially mean the poor lad has to go to a third school, which is not ideal, but do-able if needs must.

Thank you all so much for your input, I appreciate your thoughts :-)

Hi, I know this is an old thread so might not get a reply, but just wondered what the outcome of this was, I really hope you sorted it ? I am in a very similar situation with my son and would really love to find out what happened here as it might help. Thanks.