I feel like my mum doesn't like me

[Dippyeggs3]

I've noticed it loads the last 8 years. I'm 33 and when I fell pregnant with my first child I started not only noticing that she was upsetting me. But I looked back and saw alot of things too. She has always made me feel stupid and she has never made me feel comfortable.

Typical behaviours

Reminding me how when I was sad, emotional struggling I was pathetic or caused her so much stress with My silly behaviour.

When I had an abortion at 18 due to no support from her and feeling forced to please her she tried to make out I came home like nothing happened. I spent a month in my bedroom before rhe abortion being sick and crying myself to sleep with low blood pressure and too weak to make food. After I got home she was watching the soaps and nothing was said. I went upstairs and cried.

She's never showed emotion or cried at anyone's deaths. She has never made me feel I can show emotions. She mocked me or carried on cleaning if I was ever upset with relationships or friends.

She acts uncomfortable if I join in family chats. We were all there on mother's day and I said I was enjoying still open all hours. I said comedy has changed so much and my mum said infront of everyone oh listen at you. She shut me down before then engaging in a discussion about comedies with my brother in law slightly younger than me.

She told me off last year for staying at a friend's for the night. I've never stayed out before but I've split from my children's dad.

She judges me if my ex has the kids and I'm with my new boyfriend.

She belittles me in Facebook comments.

Questions my parenting.

If I buy anything for myself she is sarcastic that I'm spending.

She sends me messages trying to force her ideas onto me. If I say the kids are doing xyz she will say are you cleaning.

She responded with one word when I showed her my boyfrien had cooked for me.

She used to accuse ke of spoiling muly eldest.

She fell out with me in pregnancy for finding out the sex. Judged me.

She called me spoilt etc because after we split my ex still gave me lifts etc as we've remained friends. She won't acknowledge what I did for him because he earned money.

It just goes on and on.

I don't understand why she doesn't like me happy.

That sounds hard and terribly frustrating. I can't unpack it, but if she's always behaved this way towards you, I can't imagine she'll change. What does she say when you question her about her behaviour? Is she the same with other people/siblings? Some people just want to keep others in their place, a form of control, I suppose. Maybe she's jealous? Will you be speaking to her about it? Hope things improve for you

Mine never beat my drum either. As I got older I became less and less tolerant of it and now we're NC. It's very freeing

My mother is really similar. I’m sorry, op, I know it really hurts.

We’re low contact now and I wish it was different, but there are only so many years you can spend tying yourself in knots trying to make someone treat you with love. So when she kept on dismissing my tentative ideas for us spending time together, I eventually stopped suggesting it; and the result is that I haven’t seen her in a few years and she hasn’t seen my children.

I know that all of her friends and neighbours almost certainly think it’s my choice that things are this way, that I never visit because I’m uncaring, etc. Which really gets me down. But I’ve had to sort of detach from that distress.

Do you like her tho? She sounds unpleasant. I would step back and limit what you tell her.

I actually snapped at her this morning in q message when she was telling me I shouldn't let my ex take the kids to the beach on his own this weekend. I told her that I'm fed up of being spoken to like I'm a silly 12 year old.
She said she's just concerned. It's honestly like she can't stand me being attractive, fancied, interesting, confident funny or comfortable. Not that I think I'm those things.

The thing is I've seen her on Facebook being fake with other women my age and making out she was just like them when they were younger and making out she's so fun. She's completely held me back all my life. But unfortunately I come across the problem to others.

Op , are you clean? Is your 🏠 reasonably tidy?

Is your ex responsibile?.

If it's yes then you won't please her and it's best to go low contact

The most liberating thing you can do, is realise that she is NEVER going to change, no matter what you do or say.

Then go no contact and start healing yourself.

You don't need to spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself

She sounds like a soul sucking self esteem hoover.
Fuck her off and only communicate with her when absolutely necessary.

You are telling her too much and allowing her to be far to involved in your life.
What you choose and do is non of her business and you are an adult. You do not need her approval. She doesn't have to like it.
Do what makes you happy.

She sounds like she’s out of her depth with you and you’re a lot more intelligent than she is. But she also clings on to pride.

My mum never comes around my house but she's decided because I don't have an immaculate garden etc that she can pick at me. Again my dad does everything in terms of gardening etc.

My house is always tidy and clean if people visit. In terms of a day when it's not perfect it's just the kids toys and me needing to catch up on washing. My kids are quite young still so we are just getting to the point where there's less pre school mess!

She describes me as stroppy and wouldn't tell you I was smart or a good mother.

She does seem to struggle now because I do defend myself more. But I feel like a stressed out snappy person after which is the opposite I want to be.

You might be far closer to being the relaxed person you want to be if you:
-shared less personal information with your mother,
-spoke to her less
-saw her less

She doesnt need to know where your kids are, or where you spent the night (unless she's babysitting).

Of course, she wants to know so she can criticise you (dont even go into why, it's her not you).

Spend some time apart. Mourn the mother you should have had. Ignore the one you do, she's bringing you down.