Supporting daughter with mental health issues is exhausting me

[WillowSpren]

My oldest dtr has struggled with anxiety since a period of bullying in yr10. She got through the pandemic seemingly ok (though as a family we all struggled at times) but has gone to Uni and her mental health is really bad. She is getting support (GP and counselling) and I know I should be grateful that she trusts us and will talk to us, but she will message to say she has 'had a bad day and is feeling suicidal'. She has now also messaged and says she feels guilty for being a burden. Of course I told her she is not and that we love her and are there for her, but it is exhausting as actually we're worrying about her all the time. I'm not particularly a 'people person' and the lock downs showed how spectacularly rubbish I am at making proper friendships (little contact with anyone), so I don't have a regular friendship group that I can talk things through with. I am working really hard to 'stay strong' as I am scared it will make my daughter worse if she realises how difficult I am finding it. I just wondered if there is anyone else out there who is supporting their kids through the transition to uni life and has had similar issues?

Hi. I am going through something very similar at the moment and am also struggling. I don’t have a lot of advice to give you but I want you to know that you are not alone with this and that I understand some of what you are feeling.

We are also going through something similar. Our DD17 is at collage and living at home.

She was diagnosed with ASD at 15 and can have crippling panic attacks. I don't really have any good advice either, it can feel really isolating trying to support a young adult with a mental health struggle, especially as others the same age seem to be flying the nest and becoming independent.

I guess we have to try and do the best we can and just try and get through. Does your DD take any medication for her anxiety?

Thanks for the replies. It is tough at times, but it is helpful to know you are not the only one. It is a case of 'just keeping going' sometimes isnt it! DD started one lot of meds in December but they don't seem to be suiting her so she is the process of switching to something different. We're hoping the new ones will be more of a help, but it will be a good few weeks before we know. I'm also hoping the clock change and increased sunshine will help, as SAD definitely runs in the family and I'm often quite low during Jan/Feb (but it's long standing so I am aware of it and usually can work through it without problems). DD will be coming home shortly for the Easter break, I think that is why I am feeling nervous!

I also understand what you’re going through. There is a group called Parenting Mental Health which could possibly be helpful for you. Take care of yourself.

I’ve been through some really difficult bouts with ds. You have to make your needs a high priority where you can - don’t put off eating, or sleeping. Get out for a walk every day. And be kind to yourself for dropping some balls.

I had days where I would sit and stare into space like a zombie for an hour because I just had to. I made a huge effort to cut out the negative self-talk and be kind to myself even though I wasn’t getting much of anything done.

Can you afford counselling? There are online options if time is a problem.

The mental load of an anxious child is heavy. Even when I wasn’t dealing with a crisis I was tensed for the next one. It was exhausting.

Your local Carers’ Centre may have a support group for parents (and others) looking after someone with MH issues.

Something on here might be helpful: www.blurtitout.org/resource/supporting-young-people-and-you/

Pills and talking to a physiologist.
You are the mum. You can provide love. And security and safety
But you can't help her with mh. She needs profesional help

V sorry you’re in this situation. Suggest counselling for yourself.

Is she getting ‘talking therapy’, accessing the university MH services, university aware etc?

We have been going through an awful time with dd the last few years I agree you need to look after yourself in order to support your dd. Me and dh found we ended up spending all our time together going over the situation so we have made a conscious decision not to discuss it unless there is a new crisis

Or / and a support group with other parents.

I had a one hour phone call with the Young Minds charity, really helpful

Hi I got a tip on here the other day...

A book called How to Cope when your child isn't coping.

Op. A really important lesson in life that I've learnt is you can't pour from an empty cup.

Focus on rebuilding your own life post pandemic....maybe think about creating some new aquantinaces...slow steps towards future good friends! Start a new hobby. Do things you enjoy.

In the long run you are an individual with needs too and you will be a better stronger mum if you look after yourself.

Some good tips here, Thank you. It really is appreciated.