Depression or "just" normal human reaction?

[Silverclocks]

DS2 is struggling since the death of his father, less than a year ago. He's not eating well, has lost interest in things he used to enjoy, personal hygiene isn't what it should be and he's not performing well at work. He's 18yo and has had a shocking time, with his dad being diagnosed during lock down, unable to see him for 3 months whilst in hospital, by the time he came home for the last 3 months, he was completely bedbound and not at all the man we knew. DS had to help with personal care (it took 2 people to change him) and do things no one should have to do for their dad.

Through all of this DS was doing an apprenticeship, working from home, not at all what he signed up for and a struggle to get any real training or support. He's now back in work but a lot of his colleagues aren't, so it's lonely and a lot of the time he seems to have little to do.

Anyway, he's obviously showing symptoms of depression, but does that make him "ill" and in need of treatment or is this a perfectly reasonable and normal way to feel in the circumstances? I don't like the idea of medication for him, I almost think he needs to "feel" all this to deal with it, but it's awful to see him finding life so hard.

I am so sorry OP. No wonder you ds is sad and struggling.
I do think that grief is a natural thing, and that it takes time to adjust to the loss of the person. Your ds is understandably shocked and low.
However, if it gets to the point where someone really isn’t coping with their daily life , then getting help is sensible. It might be helpful for him to have some grief counselling.
www.cruse.org.uk/
What does he say when you talk to him ? Have you said anything about his hygiene etc ? Would he talk to his GP ?

Does he want to try medication?

Both, depression is a normal human reaction to some life circumstances, the loss of his dad sounds incredibly traumatic for him, and you. It’s going to take a while for him to recover from that.

In terms of him needing to feel it, he does need to be able to process what’s happened but if his feelings are too overwhelming he may really struggle to do that. Medication can just take the edge off a bit which then helps the person to process what’s happened without feeling so overwhelmed. Therapy can really help that process too.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Losing a parent in traumatic circumstances like that is awful and I'm sorry for your loss. I'd recommend bereavement counselling for him...and normalise his grief too.

I think he’s had a year to feel the pain and now it’s time to seek help. Sometimes talking about how he’s feeling with someone unrelated will be enough but it’s quite possibly gone too far for that. You’d take a painkiller for a headache, sometimes you just need a hand to climb out of the pit of despair it doesn’t mean you’re going to take anti depressants forever. He has valid reasons for feeling low but he definitely needs more than a pat on the back. He sounds like he has had an awful lot to deal with and he’s unlikely to magically wake up one day and feel better without intervention.

I have a DS with depression issues and we are actively encouraging him to be with people, go out, have fun and not be on his own too much but most importantly to talk about his feelings. Fun is an element that’s been missed for many young people this last couple of years and they’ve missed a lot, your son has this plus a ton of shit to deal with. You might not be the best person to decide what the help should be, it’s hard when they’re your babies to admit you can’t fix it but sometimes we just can’t and it needs outside help.

He is still grieving. That is a natural process. And I do think that depression (or something very similar) is part of the process.

I didn’t feel myself for a good two years after my dad died (I was early twenties) and longer than that when my mum died (early forties).

My advice would be don’t rush him. But if you think he needs help, talking therapy was very useful for me when my mum died but bloody useless when my dad died. I put it down to different counselors - one had zero empathy and the other was very gentle with me and understood when there were topics I didn’t want to address (although in retrospect, she was bloody good at steering me towards them and getting me to talk anyway).

You are also grieving. Please be aware that focusing on your son’s behaviour could be a sign of not processing your own grief. Remember to take care of yourself as well as him.

You and your son both have my condolences. 💐

Various people have suggested and offered counselling to him, but he insists he doesn't want it and no one can make him.

I've tried very many times to encourage him to do some of the fun things he used to enjoy, but he says he's happy with his computer. He's clearly not "happy" but I can't force him?