Feeling upset that my friend of many years never initiates contact now, I only see her if I suggest meeting up.

[Wisteriabloom]

She doesn't live far away, and if I happen to bump into her in town etc it's always 'Oh I've been meaning to text you', but she NEVER does!

We're both 50, and have been friends since we met at college at 18, so I don't want to just let the friendship slide. Our contact used to be about 50/50, but in the last 2 years it just never happens from her side, yet I still feel we get on and have plenty in common.

I'm not a intense sort of friend, (ie messaging daily or wanting to meet every week), but meeting up every couple of months would be nice. This is about the time period I leave before texting her, but I've left it since Christmas to see if she'd contact me and I've not heard a word. ☹

We're also part of a wider friendship group, and during autumn/winter there were 2 birthdays, both of which involved meeting the others in town for meals & drinks out. Now the others live near town, while me and the friend I'm talking about live the other end, so it makes sense for us to travel together to meet them. Both times I texted her the day before to suggest walking or sharing a taxi in together. Both times she responded 'Oh I meant to text you, yes good idea, knock for me at 7 ish'! It annoys me actually, all this 'Been meaning to get in touch' but she just doesn't! She used to ask about everybody, (my dh as they used to work at the same place, my kids as they went to school with her nephews) and various other things/people we have in common, but she doesn't really now.

I'm wondering whether to just let it drift, but I feel sad about it. We haven't even fallen out or anything!

Maybe she's struggling?

Depression makes it difficult to reach out. Or anxiety.

I do understand where you're coming from though, it's disheartening when it feels like all the effort has to come from you.

Is there any imbalance re kids? Eg one of you has them and the other doesn’t? Or different ages? The only reason I mention it is that I’m probably on the other side of the fence. All my oldest mates had kids and I didn’t. We drifted apart for probably a decade as they were deep into family life and I eventually made new friends with people who had no kids. Roll on another decade and my old friends now have kids in their late teens and at uni and want to pick up where they left off, and to be honest I don’t have the time. I have a fella, a couple of time consuming hobbies, and new friends, and I know they get frustrated that they don’t see me as often as they’d like. When we do meet up they want to hit the town but I’m more of a hiking, cycling, gardening type of person these days. Have her priorities changed maybe?

She probably has something going on that you don’t know about.

People change, they also have pressures which come and go. As people get older maybe they want to be more private and have more time to themselves to recharge batteries. Maybe they haven't the time. money and energy to keep on top of demands from others. They may have problems they want to keep private. It is not necessarily personal. She wants to keep to herself for her own reasons. If she chooses not to share that then let it be.

I've had this situation with a long standing friend. We have both changed a lot. I'm amazed at the way she now looks at life, how she has dealt with certain situations, how she conceals who she is etc.etc. On my part I much prefer staying at or near to home, I've developed different interests, I am less tolerant of fools, I am not a consumer, want a simple life etc.

Such is life, people come into our lives and leave our lives. Me and old friend will see each other now and then or maybe not. No one can control how another person thinks or give them what they need if what they need has changed. It's about them, probably not about you, unless they tell you so.

Thank you all. Yes, I suppose there is an 'imbalance', of sorts. She still lives at home with her elderly parents, and does a lot for them as they're not in the best of health. My parents also have health issues. I don't live with them, but am im contact almost daily and visit a couple of times a week. We're in different situations there, I realise.

She's never married, had kids or moved away, but has always been interested/invoved in everyone else's families.

She has lot of friends, however I've noticed on Social Media if photos/tags of her appear, they're from other peope, she never poats anything herself now, wherwas she used to.
Hmm, I may text her, it's hard when it's all one way though.

Yes, I know someone like that

• we must have coffee
• we must catch up

It's just words, there's no meaning to it. I stopped initiating contact & its a resounding silence from her for the last 3 years. Still makes the comments if we accidentally run in to each other.

I've let go - my time is valuable & I have other (better) friends

I know how you feel. I have a friend who's circumstances are similar to your friend.
Her father was sick for a few years before he died and not long after this COVID started.
I used to bump into her in the town she works in and she just said I am not going places at the moment because of COVID. She's living with her mother whoe's in her mid 80s with health issues and if her mother got COVID she could end up very sick or die because of it.
Because of the situation I have not seen her much but I am hoping to meet up with her for lunch soon. I am just sorting out a few things myself at the moment.
I would just contact your friend and arrange an odd meet up because they could be glad of some support especially when dealing with elderly parents. Then elderly parents don't want to accept that they need care, can't drive and refuse to do things that would make their life easier. It's not an easy situation to be in as I have seen friends dealing with this now and in the past.

Anyone caring for elderly parents doesn’t have time on their hands.

Yes, it's a difficult situation I realise. I'll reach out to her once more, suggest just a coffee catch-up and see what she says.

It's the 'Oh I meant to phone you/I see you go past sometimes and think I'll text you to catch up', that annoys me, when she's clearly got no intention of doing so.

A fair few friends have gone like this after covid. I think they’re used to being at home and having a quieter social life. I don’t initiate contact but would respond if they got in touch

@StripeyDeckchair

Yes, I know someone like that

• we must have coffee
• we must catch up

It's just words, there's no meaning to it. I stopped initiating contact & its a resounding silence from her for the last 3 years. Still makes the comments if we accidentally run in to each other.

I've let go - my time is valuable & I have other (better) friends

Yep - i've got one of those too. All the above. HUGE hugs if we bump into each other where ever it might be. Street, shops, road side - literally stops the car and jumps out ...''I've missed you so much ect''. I still only live round the corner !

So strange because of the two of us she was the more outgoing and into all the village gossip, FaceBook ect. I was never so much into all that - but that's almost what made us good together. We were great friends for 10 years + we met when i moved up here and we shared all our ups and downs together. Lived near each other. Worked together. Went out for drinks together. Our DDs played together. Similar ages. Moaned about our parents together. Laughed like absolute loons over so much. We were in contact nearly everyday.

She withdrew from social media at the same sort of time as she withdrew from me. I have no idea why. One of my DDs knows someone who's been close to one of her DDs for years and there's no hint of anything going on.

We have caught up twice in the last 8 years for lunch but that's it. And that was hard work to arrange. It's run bone dry now for 2 years. She told me all her news in those couple of meet ups - all the nitty gritty of her health and all her troubles with one of her DDs (20 something).

There is only ONE change which went on around the time she drifted away and i don't like to think this is the reason ... i went from renting for the majority of our friendship to becoming owner of a large property. (She was always a homeowner). Was that an 'imbalance' in her eyes? A change of dynamic? Jealous I don't want to think so but i cannot for the life of me think of anything else !

''It's the 'Oh I meant to phone you/I see you go past sometimes and think I'll text you to catch up', that annoys me, when she's clearly got no intention of doing so.''

Yes, it's just weird isn't it? I tried texting so many times only to get short, late replies with no 'lead' to carry on with iyswim? Just an answer to a question and a ''x'' at the end.

I've got one like this, never ever contacts me first until last week I had a text from her asking if everything is ok, although because she hasn't been in touch for so long she doesn't know I've just spent 5 weeks in hospital after a major operation for cancer. I can't be bothered to reply and start to explain everything to her so I've just ignored her text. She had her chance.

I’d leave contacting her, she know where you are if she needs you or wants to see you. She may contact you in a few more months. I think initiating contact doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50 so I’m happy with a one third/two thirds split.

I have a ‘friend’ like this.

Known her for 20 years. I’ve suggested twice meeting up for coffee and she hadn’t replied. So I’ve just left it. I really like her and miss her, but I’m not doing all the running.

Yes it's very weird, Laiste, and unsettling. 🤔 It's a shame you've had it too.

I've also had it with another friend. I bumped into her at the end of the first Lockdown, and she was all 'I've missed you/let me know when you're free'!

So I texted the following week, and we arranged a coffee catch-up. Only for her to cancel a hour before we were due to meet, saying her son wasn't well and she needed to food shop. 🤔 Her son btw, was 14 and we'd have bern at my house, 4 doors away so not far. I actually saw him the next day, walking home from school with his friends. So not that ill then!!

I was quite upset, she obvs just couldn't be bothered. She never got back in touch to rearrange, either. 🤔

I think many people have lost the momentum of keeping in touch with friends since covid. They have withdrawn into themselves which probably isn't healthy but it is definitely true for many people.

I think so too, and it seems to be the more extrovert people who are suddenly prone to cancelling, and not bothering to keep in touch. That surprises me!

I’ve lost half my friends since Covid but Iam even closer than ever to the remaining ones.

Shame about the ones you've lost, Needle, but glad you're still close to the remaining ones.

I do wonder if the friends who suddenly withdraw contact have any thought for those on the other end of it. It's not a nice feeling to be suddenly 'doorslammed", for no apparent reason.