Can anyone talk to me about their really anxious boys and what has helped?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

My DD is also an anxious child, but I feel like I have found things that help her over time. I think I ‘know’ her better. She is very articulate (now 12 but has always been a keen talker - at home!) and although it’s an ongoing learning process to understand and manage her emotions, we have found ways that help. At present.
DS is 9 and I don’t have such a handle on it with him. He doesn’t want to be seen, heard, ‘talked about’. Lots of ‘don’t tell the teachers’ or ‘don’t tell anyone I cried’. He does communicate with me, but in an indirect way - when we’re drawing or playing.
I feel like I’ve read all the books in the world on this. Not sure what I’m asking for - just feeling overwhelmed with how upset he was yesterday evening (over homework).
He has friends although doesn’t see them out of school unless an arranged play date as we don’t live near them. He is happy at play and lunch time at school.
We’ve got a journal that we do together at bed times. No pressure, write how you like etc. He doesn’t like to discuss or express feelings at all and I am worried about how this will manifest in a few years.

Is he autistic? My son is autistic and various things have really helped us with his anxieties which at one point involved every single area of his life.

1. Weighted blanket had made a huge difference to sleeping and we get it out when he’s stressed
2. Bananas - v calming especially bedtime
3. I told him that nobody was that interested in him and that most people are more concerned about getting themselves through the day. It made an instant difference to his confidence. He needed to stop feeling so exposed.
4. Exercise has helped my sons anxiety with a bit and as bedtime is stressful point for us, he normally does something before bed like a bike ride
5. For the social stuff, I used to role model with my son on how to speak to people, practise saying hello etc. Also conversation cues.

My son became far more articulate and expressive once the physical anxiety stuff was dealt with a bit. It was almost like he had to deal with those before he felt able to articulate himself well

He comes across as very timid to outsiders although he is coming out of himself quite well. And some of that improvement was him telling me that he doesn’t want to sleep or wants to be left alone - basically expressing his needs.

We do our main talking in the car because it’s less intense or while cycling etc as there’s a sense of distraction but I think this is normal on children

Thanks for your post. He isn’t autistic but does struggle with a high need for knowing about changes, clings tightly to routines and cannot bear deviation from them, and he has some social interaction difficulties. I suspect a language disorder of some sort.
I haven’t tried a weighted blanket as he likes to sleep naked with one sheet wrapped round him. Wouldn’t tolerate a blanket. Interestingly he loves bananas and exercise!
I talked to my DD a lot about others not ‘being interested’ in what she’s doing and it has taken years but I hear her now getting it. DS, like her, dreads getting an award or asked a question in class. Happy to engage in sports though, fortunately. I’ll use that as a starting point.

Weighted blankets, daily evening walk, his own pet, you role modelling, ensuring he has enough D3, B vitamins, magnesium and iron, yoga, meditation, upbeat music, local friends, talk to the school often about the issue, counselling when he’s a bit older, silly talking card games,

If he’s anxious about what’s next use a weekly calendar and also a daily drawn/written plan for the day. Talk him through it step by step. You can also prepare him for backup plans in the daily plan.

Just following since ds 7 is coming into this. We have a gratitude book for kids that nice to reinforce the good that happens, since he can be negative and catastrophising. We found kids yoga really good and trying loads of ways to get him out of his head and back into his body. I do struggle with dealing with his emotions and the support that he needs, I'm not sure if that's part of the picture. I just feel super burnt out after lockdown.

He doesn’t want to be seen, heard, ‘talked about’. Lots of ‘don’t tell the teachers’ or ‘don’t tell anyone I cried’.

I talked to my DD a lot about others not ‘being interested’ in what she’s doing and it has taken years but I hear her now getting it. DS, like her, dreads getting an award or asked a question in class.

This was/is me - now elderly - it's only now I'm old I realise that people are obsessed with themselves and not with you or what you are doing. They don't care unless maybe it's something to laugh at.

Perhaps ask about what happened last week in school - who fell over in the playground, who got told off, who forgot their pe stuff - he won't remember...... though the one it happened to probably does. As examples of others not caring much what you do or what happens to you.