How to be more assertive?

[yesterdaysbread]

Venting slash advice seeking!

My husbands cousins are currently visiting and staying in our house. One of the cousins is working from home and has set up in our lounge with her stuff everywhere. We have an 8 month old and I normally play with him in the lounge when at home, all his toys etc are there. She is frequently on calls and even though she says she doesn’t mind him being around, it’s a bit tricky for me as he is quite mobile and noisy and so I’m having to intervene a lot when he’s trying to climb onto the sofa/onto her or if he’s being loud I feel the need to take him into another room. He’s currently napping and I usually like to do some exercise to a YouTube video while he naps - this is the only real time I get for myself during the day and guess where I do it…the lounge!

I have taken a couple of dumbbells to my room…I am ashamed! I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world to politely ask her to work elsewhere (not a massive house so would have to be the room where she’s sleeping which is quite small). So why do I find it so hard? any ideas on how to be more brave/assertive?

I'd expect your husband to ask her to move. She is his relative.

I think I would say you need the lounge for your son to play in. Try and explain the hard surfaces elsewhere are an issue for him. Now baby is here you need to try and explain that the house is set up differently. Suggest it is quieter to work in her bedroom as your DS is inevitably noisy - he’s a baby!

Next time, can she have a little desk in the bedroom? Be polite but explain your life has changed snd DS needs the space in the lounge and you cannot keep him quiet.

Wait a while before you invite them again. Say it’s not convenient!!

@MintJulia I guess so, but I do also feel I need to be able to tell someone when something isn’t right for me. When his mum has visited I’ve only been able to tell him when I’ve been upset by something instead of addressing directly with her, he ends up getting overly defensive on my behalf and ‘attacking’ her so he knows he doesn’t communicate it in the best way. I feel I need to find the courage to assert myself in our home as his family all live in other parts of the world so we are in for a lot of visits

@TizerorFizz all very good ideas, thank you. I just can’t seem to work up the courage to start the conversation! I imagine it in my head and I know exactly what to say but when it comes down to it I feel it’s easier to avoid ‘confrontation’ and just go to my room. Pathetic!!! Desk in the room is a good plan though as then there should be no excuses.

Also we didn’t invite them, they invited themselves but that’s a whole nother thread!

Never apologise for one thing, don't start off by saying 'sorry'. Have a trial run on your own or talk to the baby - use sentences and words you are comfortable with. Explain briefly that you would like it if she could could work in the bedroom or out in a cafe if that's easier because you need the lounge for life with a baby. I personally wouldn't get her a desk for the bedroom unless you want her to keep coming

Dont intervene when he's playing with her/making noise. She'll either enjoy it and play with him or be annoyed and go work somewhere else. Either way it's a win for you! If she gets annoyed but doesn't move that's when you suggest she could work somewhere else.

@ginslinger
I see your point about the desk but it was an olive branch! A compromise. If people invite themselves then there needs to be a conversation about that too! A desk is not really the issue there.

You - Husband, your cousin is lovely but I can’t tolerate her taking over the living room to work. You’ll have to tell her to take her stuff into her bedroom and work from there.

If he refuses then book a room in a hotel and leave him with baby and cousins.

"I hope you don't mind but would it be okay if you worked from your room? I feel like we're creeping around trying not to disturb you and I think it would work better for all of us if you were able to close the door on the family noise."

@Jongy
That’s very confrontational and not at all fair on the baby. Compromise is needed so cousin gets quiet and baby and mum get their life back. Conversation with DH should now be about limiting future visits.

How about this:

Do you think, from this afternoon, you could move your work stuff to your room and work from there please?
It's becoming too difficult with us all trying to use the space at the same time.
When DH or I work from home, we use our bedroom too.

So you're letting her know that you yourself already go to 'the inconvenience' that you're putting her to. It's simply the rules of your house.

And, for what it's worth, she's a CF. Who does that in someone else's house?!?!?!

“I expect you’ll enjoy the peace and quiet once you’re back at home!” “I love it when baby is creative!” “Oh, did I mention we’re buying a drum kit?”