Overwhelming sadness, does it get easier?

[bloodywhitecat]

I go to bed at night and I don't want to wake up the next day. I have an overwhelming feeling of grief, I lost DH a month ago and I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. I am not suicidal, most definitely not but the feelings of sadness are getting worse and worse. I don't sleep well, I wake several times a night. I do still find things that make me laugh, I am not moping about all day long I am getting out and doing things but evenings and nights are just the worst.

We met in our fifties and had five wonderful years together, we were truly happy. He was a good, kind person who didn't have an unkind bone in his body, no-one had a bad word to say about him.

It will get easier. What you describe is totally normal. This is all so new. Time will make it less overwhelming. Honest 💐

I'm so sorry for your loss
I haven't had the same type of bereavement but I have lost someone close, and it took at least 6 months before I looked forward to anything.
I didn't mope around, I worked, socialised etc but it was very much going through the motions with occasional bursts of happiness.
Then one day after answering a text to say I would meet someone I felt happy about seeing them and looked forward to it.
It wasn't a big deal or anything but I realised I hadn't felt like that in a long time. Then of course I felt guilty and sad again!
So to answer your question yes for me it did lift eventually.
I recognise the feeling worse after the initial shock too, the more real it becomes the harder it is for a while, I wish I could tell you how to make that better but I just endured.

I cannot possibly imagine what you’re going through losing your DH. But I’m almost two months on from losing my Mum suddenly, and 13 years on from losing my Son and it has got easier, it doesn’t hurt less, we just grow around it and learn to cope better I think. But I do promise that time makes it less overwhelming and all encompassing. I’m so sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry.🌺🌺🌺

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have found that time is the best healer. Take care of yourself don’t push yourself and allow yourself to grieve. It will get easier.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is shit, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy but you won’t always feel like this. A month is very very early on, you’ve had all the arrangements to make, endless paperwork and people to inform then it all goes quiet.
If you can find a book by Kate Boydell, Surviving the loss of your partner, I think you’ll find it helpful.
For now it’s an hour at a time, a minute at a time if necessary. Be kind to yourself.

I've been following your posts OP, I lost my husband 3 weeks ago today. He had an aggressive form of stomach cancer and was only 38. We have two young DC and I'm carrying on for them. We were childhood sweethearts so our lives were so intertwined, we were one. I'm finding I can only cope by focusing on what's positive in my life, my kids, my friends and family. My DH would not want me to be sad, he'd want me to carry on so that's what I'm trying to do but it's hard. PM me OP if you'd like to chat. I'm in shock I'm sure, it's not sunk in for me.

Op , touch wood I've not lost nor driven away my DH yet.

However I've had three painful close losses.
Honestly, each pain I won't forget.
But you learn to live with it.

Took at least a year to steady and about 4 to feel And understand the perspective again

Sorry to hear this OP. You're really in the thick of it now - after the funeral and before you start to emerge from the darkness. You're doing great, keep going, keep forcing yourself up and into the shower and out and about if you can possibly face that you're forever changed but life will come back to you x

The very intense feelings you're describing do fade and you're left with something more manageable which aren't so all encompassing. It can help to talk to someone about it if you can find some bereavement services. Try not to be alone too much. Go out for a coffee with a friend or relative if you have someone. Don't be afraid to distract yourself and find some small pleasures like a nice walk or visiting an interesting place. You have to practice self care and give yourself lots of time and space to process your loss. Grief changes you and you're never the same person you were, but you do put yourself back together again.

I have followed your posts for a while ( first one when he turned yellow) but never commented before now, because I've never had the words. I still don't. I didn't say anything before now because I didn't know what to say. I still don't, and have probably fucked up this attempt. Just know there are people around willing you on. Thinking of you alot

I think you make some important points in your OP. You say it feels like the sadness is getting worse, but you still are able to laugh and you don’t want to commit suicide, which are two very big indicators to me that what you’re going through is awful, but you WILL get through it.

I’m involved with the after midnight thread here (it’s not much, but it’s a tiny somewhere where everyone is welcome and who is suffering can post when they can’t sleep - I remember your posts there) and what I’ve learned is that these things really are so much worse at night. People who are grieving, people who are lonely, people who are filled with anxiety or sadness - in the darkness, it just feels so much bigger because we’re not expected to get on with the same “daily/life tasks” as during daytime, that eat up the hours, even though you’re still sad and grieving when the sun is up. It pounces on you during the night, and can feel so all-consuming. You are not alone in feeling this way, even though I know it feels so lonely and isolating. Please know that.

Time doesn’t erase grief. But I do believe and have told people before that I think it takes out the “sharp” quality of its newness. And I also believe that insomnia is one of the stages of grieving, along with all the others (guilt, denial, bargaining, acceptance, and whatever), because everyone I know who has lost someone very, very close has gone through this insomnia phase.

I do hope you find some rest. And I do hope that the laughs became more slowly, and the loneliness very, very slowly becomes less. And please, do join us on the after-midnight thread if you’d like; you’re always welcome.

Having lost my DH 15 years ago, I can assure you @bloodywhitecat that yes it does get easier.

Or rather you build a new life around the grief and find that eventually you do smile again and find happiness in your day to day life.

When I think of my DH now, it is more fleeting. A memory triggered by something I see, hear or smell and always accompanied by a smile and gratitude that he chose to share part of his life with me.

But that will all take time and right now you will be experiencing intense sadness. I spent the first few months in shock, barely functioning day to day and can honestly say that now I can remember very little of that first year.

The most positive advice I received was to just be kind to myself. Accept that every small step you take is an achievement and work through your grieving at you own pace.

my thoughts are with you and anyone else experiencing those very early days of bereavement.

I am so sorry for your loss. Have you been offered bereavement counselling?

Losing your life partner is a specifically deep and dreadful grief, I felt as if I was going crazy with grief. You will feel less overwhelmed eventually. My only advise is not to resist the tears, let them come, let yourself go through the pain rather than push it away. And enjoy the bits in between when you feel a little bit calmer, a bit happier. It's a complete roller coaster unfortunately. I'm 1 yr 19 months in from losing my wife (same sex marriage) who was definitely my better half. I won't say it's easier now, but I'm no longer overwhelmed by the sadness and there are lots of good days. After about seven months I started to get glimpses of myself going forward rather than merely existing. We all have our own timescales. Sending you a huge hug.

I’m so sorry for your loss. What you are describing is normal and a very real part of the grieving process and a month is so soon,

I lost dh of 8 days last July (I’m ghost mouse but can’t log in, I had a few threads going around the time) he had a very short battle with cancer. For months I felt like I was just existing, I mean I got on with normal stuff, I cleaned the house, went back to work, but just felt like I was existing not living.

I still feel like that now and at six months I had a major dip which I’m just starting to climb out of now but I can see glimmers of hope and a focus to the future. I’ve got my passion for arts and crafts back, and I’m excited to do stuff for the garden, my dhs pride and joy and I can’t wait to go on trips with my dds again, I think about dh every minute of the day though. We had 3 wonderful years together.

Losing a life partner is one of the most profound things a person will ever go through and even more poignant when they are young.

Much love and strength to you

Thank you all, especially to those who have shared their losses and experiences. It is reassuring that the overwhelming feeling is normal. Today I have cleaned and taken the kids to the park just so we all get out of the house. I came home to a parcel of books from my DSD who remembered me saying I used to like to read, that really touched me.

@PaperTyger

Took at least a year to steady and about 4 to feel And understand the perspective again

This. Love and hugs. Ride the waves. They dont always get smaller or easier but your perspective changes. X

Massive hugs. It's 19 years since DH died (in his twenties). I vividly remember the pain so deep I couldn't catch my breath. It changes, it becomes less intense, until in time you have the warmth of the memories and the love, without the agony. You still miss them, and sometimes that hurts, but the raw desperation truly does fade.

There isn't a timescale, it's different for everyone

The waves is so right, sometimes you feel like you're drowning if I let it take over me. But I breathe through the pain (like a contraction) and focus on my kids, or a small thing I have to look forward to like a coffee with a friend. I don't know how long this will help me for but it helps at the moment. 3 weeks and one day for me since my husband passed. OP, sending you strength but it's also OK to wail and shout and sob and do anything you feel is right.

I lost my husband after 23years I'm only 48 and it devestates me every day. That was 14 months ago. I'm not saying that it gets better but it does get easier to deal with. Unfortunately we have to get through this grief as loving widows. But I didn't believe that I could laugh again but I do cos I have to live a part of my life for him now. Just a thought for you

Sending much love and strength to you OP xxxx ❤️