Another Mother's Day let down

[hutter]

Just sat here after telling DH how how I feel about him doing bugger all for Mother's Day (for me) it was grating away, I have been trying to forget but what message does that send?

We have 2 boys. It's always been hit and miss, all occasions are. He just doesn't give it all much thought. He said he was to busy to get a card or anything. He didn't realise I thought that much about a piece of cardboard. He just couldn't be arsed. He's like this a lot regarding me. And he wonders why I've given up on several aspects of life.

It's never about what you are given it's the thought and effort to try and make some special to you feel extra special, that you gave them thought and time. I used to love all the craft things they did at school. The kids are to old now for that.

It's his birthday soon. Do I do the same? Does it make me as bad as him? Or do I just let this slide (again)? It's a shit show really I know. I'm just venting on here.

Unfortunately I've seen a few posts like this. I don't understand why people treat others so poorly. Life can be hard enough why not try brightening someone's day when you easily can. Here are some 💐 for all the forgotten, unappreciated people out there who deserve to me made to smile and feel thought about.

I think it's rubbish. Like you say, it's not the materialistic side that matters, but the thought. Most mums are delighted with a handmade card, a lie in and some general fuss on their birthdays and Mother's Day. It's not hard and I think it's so important that children learn to show appreciation and care about others, your dh needs to lead by example. I'm fortunate that my dh does always make a fuss, but I think in your shoes I'd definitely be scaling back the effort I made for birthday / Father's Day. Why keep giving and giving when you get so little in return? Being a mum is hard and so much of it goes unappreciated and unacknowledged, I think a bit of a fuss a couple of times a year is the least any mum deserves.

I have to say, Mother's Day has never bothered me. I like to take something each time I see them - sometimes thats a small plant or flowers. And cards I dislike generally (if Im seeing someone anyway) as a huge waste, especially now they are so expensive.

I have a preference to be looked after a bit regularly rather than love bombed for one day a year. I realise I'm odd though!

My dh did FA. I bought his mum a cake and two cards for him to choose from as he’d forgotten as usual. I then got one of the two cards from my own ds and then dd gave me a card she made at school. Their words were lovely, but I was cross with dh.

I am sorry op.

From my point of view, I really dislike these days. I feel there's so much pressure and it feels fake. I know I have difficulty processing some things. We do mothers day because the kids like it. I would rather not.

I feel the same about valentines. But I know my partner quite likes valentines, so I do make an effort. I make an effort for his birthday and father's day, even though his son isn't my son. I still make an effort as he makes an effort all the time for my kids.

I just don't get people who know these days are important to their OH and just can't make the effort.

Its really not ok and I do understand your feelings on this.

Return the favour for his birthday.

Oh and make sure to remind him that it’s the thought that counts…

If the boys are too old for home made cards, aren’t they old enough to do something themselves for you? Did you tell them it was important to you to be remembered in some way on Mother’s Day?

1. Yes do the same for his birthday
2. wtf are women doing buying cards for their partners to give to their mums?
3. cut your partner out and arrange it with the children direct then by the time they are secondary age you can look forward to it

We have a bit of a formula for these days - homemade (or not) cards, banner, small gifts, breakfast in bed, the recipient pretending to be asleep and completely surprised.

It’s not about the event as much as having a funny family ritual and teaching the dc to put thought into showing appreciation. Now that I have a teen it feels like starting from scratch.

I organise a lot of this - drop heavy hints about my favourite flowers and a book I’m dying to read. Or I snap pictures on my phone and send dh a list. If he’s swamped at work I’d let the dc loose in the shop with a fiver each. I make sure there are card makings in the house, etc. And I remind dh if the hype has passed him by, which it can because I’m the one out shopping.

It’s not really about the occasion but we both agree that it’s important for the dc to be facilitated to show appreciation. I wouldn’t have bothered at all except that I could see how excited the dc we’re bringing home crafts from preschool and being able to present me with these love tokens they had worked hard on. Could you talk to your dh about that aspect? Wait a bit so it’s not a recrimination for Mother’s Day specifically, and try and get on the same page about the values you’re imparting to the dc.

My mil has commented that dh never remembered Mother’s Day before we married. He would definitely have felt these days were hallmark inventions or just missed the date altogether. But because he’s helping the dc do it for me, he also organises a gift for his dm. I don’t get involved with that.

I’d like to think that the dc might eventually manage to do this by themselves.

For Father’s Day, and for his birthday, he will be dropping the broad hints and deciding where to go/what to do. It’s definitely a bit contrived in our house. But they are contrived days anyway.

Mother's Day isn't exactly the same as a birthday so I don't think it would be fair to do the same for a birthday, although if he doesn't recognise your birthday then too, then go for it!
Do the same for father's day? That would be fair.
How old are your kids?
I'm of the opinion that your partner isn't your mother therefore they don't need to roll out the red carpet for you on Mother's day.
Sorry to be blunt but I think it's true.
If your kids are teens or older they could have got their own cards etc.
If not it could have simply slipped their minds & next time drop some hints.

I'm another one who had a shit Mother's Day. I posted on another thread that my DH didn't even get my 4 year old to say happy Mother's Day.

Let's just say we had a huge amount of words about it yesterday and he gets it but it still hurts. He is angry at himself but I'm finding it difficult to still believe he was so thoughtless & how this actually happened.

I had got our DD to make cards for grandmothers, godmothers and for an elderly neighbour who lost her daughter at a young age. He knows I did all this plus I sent his grandmother a card from us & bought his mum a card as despite numerous reminders he left it too late.

What message does that send to our DD never mind the confusion.

Yes it's a made up day etc but words cost nothing, thought costs nothing, just being brought a cup of tea and being given a hug costs nothing.

Anyway enough about me, I hope you're ok OP & feeling a little better today.

You say all occasions are hit and miss so yes, I would do FA for his birthday and talk about pieces of cardboard if he is looking for a card. Lazy men just rely on women’s good nature (or social conditioning) and assume that yet again you will let it slide. Don’t, we teach our kids there are consequences for bad behaviour unfortunately it sounds like your DH also needs to be shown this.

I’d treat him the same for his birthday. Honestly.
I’m not too fussed but it was a nice surprise when my children came to our bed early morning, have me their cards and a little souvenir. They were excited about doing it but had to be reminded and helped with and we all enjoyed the day. It’s not hard and it’s not expensive.

@Kezzie200

I have to say, Mother's Day has never bothered me. I like to take something each time I see them - sometimes thats a small plant or flowers. And cards I dislike generally (if Im seeing someone anyway) as a huge waste, especially now they are so expensive.

I have a preference to be looked after a bit regularly rather than love bombed for one day a year. I realise I'm odd though!

It’s not mutually exclusive.

You can have a loving relationship with a partner and still get made a fuss of on special occasions. This is a completely normal expectation

Id get a cheap card for his birthday and nothing else.

Men seem to find empathy and thinking of others, generally, difficult. Women on the other hand, we have it drummed into us as soon as we are weaned. It's cultural conditioning.

@hutter Does he do anything special for you on your birthday and for Christmas?

I wouldn’t bother with a birthday card - he obviously wouldn’t care whether or not he got anything.

I tend to treat people as I’m treated, or stay away from them, so he’d be getting nothing from me from now on.

It's his birthday soon. Do I do the same? Does it make me as bad as him? Or do I just let this slide (again)?
I absolutely know why this is tempting but to me it just feels like such a miserable existence. Let’s just not celebrate anything anymore because you were a shit to me so I’m going to be a shit to you too.

Personally it sounds like time to reevaluate what you want from this life. This relationship. Because it sounds sad. Don’t you want to be with someone who makes you feel cherished? Someone who lifts you up? Someone who is on your team?

I’m talking from experience here. Made to feel guilty and ungrateful if I dared to express any disappointment. I was always the one who tried harder. Always the one who produced thoughtful gifts. I got tired of getting nothing back. Not just the gift or card but his time, his affection, his respect. I ended the relationship. Can’t say I have any regrets.