Do abusive men change?

[Bncnv]

I’ve just finished reading Control, by Jane Monckton Smith. It’s an excellent analysis of the eight stages men (mostly men) go through from being controlling to murdering their partners or ex partners.

1. History of control or stalking
2. A commitment whirlwind
3. Living with control
4. Trigger
5. Escalation
6. A change in thinking
7. Planning
8. Homicide and/or suicide

When I was 17 I was in an abusive relationship where I was coercively controlled. I left shortly before my 21st birthday. During the time I was with him he joined the police, and is now steadily going up through the ranks. I know he’s married now, with two children. I don’t know his wife.

The book talks about some abusive relationship getting to Stage Five and circling back to Stage Three, which it can do for many years. It also talks about how some relationships can reach Stage Five (although perhaps not for the first time), and then the woman leaves and the man comes to accept it (which happened with me), before he begins at Stage One again with a new victim.

I have often wondered over the years whether his wife is abused now as I was then. Is it inevitable? Or can abusers change, act differently with different women?

I left an abusive boyfriend. He went on to marry someone else. From a facebook nose, I see that they are divorced and that she does fundraising for Women's Aid to thank them for helping her. He is now married to someone else - I doubt the leopard has changed his spots.

No, they NEVER change. They may go between different partners but will always eventually become abusive again.

No.

I think they can if they want to. I think most probably don’t.

Despite what you read on here, yes they can change, it is possible. I have worked with families where change has occured, on both sides too where the female partner is the perpetrator.

But, there has to be the committment from the perpetrator, acknowledgement of the problem but also the right services. We are terribly bad at not having the right services in place to support a change in the behaviour and learning about control. Many perpetrators come from an abusive background themselves, many with comorbid disorders or illnesses, some with PTSD or low MH or learning needs.

So it is possible, but you wont see it very often because there are too many barriers, both within the person but also within society.

Yes I think they can, I don’t like to say that no one can change ever, anyone can change if they want to.

No, they just learn to disguise it better.

Well my DH was in an extremely toxic marriage before where they were both awful and aggressive and nasty…he’s never even raised his voice with me in almost 8 years. He’s absolutely perfect. I don’t expect him to suddenly revert back. Maybe they were just really shit together?

Change is always possible, but it takes a huge desire to change, specialist support (rare and £££), time, community and family buy-in... which is why I think it's rarer than hen's teeth.

No. Abusive men will always remain abusive.

No. They just move on to their next victim and the cycle starts again. ExH abuses me through coercive control now along with the dds and probably his ex-partner. Thankfully the children are getting older and I long for the day I can tell him to fuck off and never have to see and hear his nightmare-inducing face and voice. I honestly wish he'd fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. The sooner dds reach 18 the better. Not long ti go now. Sorry, for the rant!

I also think there are many, many men who would say they've changed when in reality, all that's happened is they've managed to attract a partner who they are able to control. Someone who walks on eggshells constantly and doesn't 'provoke' their partner. The woman is the one doing all the changing, but the men will claim it for themselves - see, it was just as much your fault as mine, now I'm with Sharon I don't feel the need to hit or hurt any more.

I think maybe it can but as a pp has said, I thinks it's very rare and there has to be acknowledgement and a desire to change.
I was in an abusive relationship for over 5 years. He cheated on me for years, we split and he still tried to control me even then. I found out that our relationship followed the same pattern as with his ex wife before me. He children are now adults and he appears to have a good relationship with them, but I noticed his daughter works for a women's crisis charity.
He is now remarried and has another child. I see him occasionally on fb with his new wife. I know a little of their life and much of her behaviour follows the same patter as both mine and his ex wife after we got with this man. When I see his now wife on fb she has the same tired drawn smile that both me and his ex had.
..... so largely I'd say no, they dont change. I suspect because largely there is no desire to change.

Nope. They dont change.