What is the ‘right’ thing to say to single, childless late thirties friend who says she wants children but doesn’t think it’s going to happen?

[Fjea]

In a social situation, so not really the place to get into serious chat. And a fairly new friend so not a topic that has come up before.

a) sympathise with her, with the implication that no, it’s not likely to happen
b) make a light statement that it can still happen for her
c) extol the benefits of a child free life
d) something else?

I would try very hard to remain totally neutral by asking something like how do you feel about that and then echoing back what she says so e.g. ‘it sounds like you feel xxx’

Hopefully by only mirroring what she says, I would avoid offending her with my own interpretation

Depends on how close friends you are but personally I'd tell her to do it on her own.
I'd ask her to think about how sad she would feel if in 10 years time she isn't a mother. If she thinks it's something that would cause her huge sadness then I would 100% tell her to go for it. There are ways for single women to have babies.
I met my husband late and had a child at 39. If I hadn't met him when I did and I'd have done it on my own and used as donar. I would have as I knew that's what I wanted more than anything.

I would simply say - ‘I hope things work out for you.’

I certainly wouldn’t extol the virtues of being child free

Its quite tricky as you have not said why she thinks this. Is it fertility issues, lack of partner, partner not wanting. But basically facts and honesty.

Yes its so difficult. Does she know her fertility/ ever had a fertility MOT as that might help crystallise feelings.

It still can happen. Examples of friends if you have them.

Are you dating?

If appropraie,would you ever consider a donor.

I wouldn't mention egg freezing as she is over 35.

Don't say you can adopt unless she brings it up.

Have you heard of gateway women,they are a network of childless not by choice women.

Take the lead from her tone on the subject.

41 and childless here. Its not over til its over is how I see it which is probably about 44 in my mind if I haven't met someone. I am not naive though.

'I hope things work our for you - and they will.'
I say this having been that childless friend, and I didn't have kids despite best efforts, and life is still good. A lot of my friends, in an effort to support me, told me to 'just get on with it', which didn't help at all!

I'd just say something light of no strong opinion. E.g. "you never know what will happen in the next few years" and leave it at that.

What Lara said.

Did she sound as though she was actually looking for input? Or was it a matter of fact comment.

Being a single childless woman in your 30s elicits just as much unwanted advice/commentary as I imagine mothers get on their motherhood and parenting.

If she is talking about this in a way that sounds as though she's looking for some comfort, then you can acknowledge how hard it can be when life isn't panning out the way we'd hoped. Sometimes things happen on a different timeline. Sometimes they take a different route or head to a different destination.

Please don't extol the virtues of a single child free life, especially if you are marries with kids.

I'm childless by choice, but wouldn't give too much opinion either way. Certainly don't extoll the virtues of a childless life, as she'll feel as though you're writing her off her dream totally.
Can't you say something neutral like "never say never", "life can turn a corner when you least expect it"?

I'd steer the conversation more generally –how hard it is for women to feel the pressure of time passing.

Either you want children but you're not sure it's going to happen, or you're not sure if you want children and you feel the pressure to make a choice, or you don't want children and people keep telling you time is ticking...

"It can be really tough, can't it?"

And then let her take the conversation where she feels comfortable with from there.

If she asked for advice I'd tell her to go it alone.

I wasn’t sure what she wanted out of the conversation really. It came up because a gay couple we were out with brought up that they wanted kids but had obvious difficulties. She then just made the statement in my title. I’m generally of the belief that if someone brings up a topic they want to talk about it, but I got a bit stuck on the right approach and said something like you never know, it could happen, and the general conversation moved on so it didn’t develop. I was worried I’d brushed her off with a platitude.

@Fjea

I wasn’t sure what she wanted out of the conversation really. It came up because a gay couple we were out with brought up that they wanted kids but had obvious difficulties. She then just made the statement in my title. I’m generally of the belief that if someone brings up a topic they want to talk about it, but I got a bit stuck on the right approach and said something like you never know, it could happen, and the general conversation moved on so it didn’t develop. I was worried I’d brushed her off with a platitude.

You're overthinking it tbh. What you said was perfectly fine imo.

You don’t have to say anything- you don’t need to fix the situation for her with some huge words of wisdom. That must be difficult is probably fine:

All this crap it might happen for you is so bloody patronising.

I was in this position. And no, it never did happen.

I hated people saying ' oh it will work out', or 'it might still happen'. Because in my case, certainly, chances were it wouldn't.

Just 'I hope things work out' would be fine, shows a bit of sympathy, no judgement, no false positivity, doesn't sound dismissive etc.

I didn’t have my first child till I was 35 (years ago when this was less common) and to be honest anything you said could have been the wrong thing.

Just listen and sympathise.

I think it’s the balance between false positivity and sympathy meaning agreeing with her that it’s not going to happen, which is difficult. Because it is still possible, but probably quite unlikely.

‘I hope it works out for you’ is good, along with just asking about her feelings about it if in an environment for deeper conversation.

If you have kids, definitely don't extoll the virtues of the childfree life. "You never know what might happen" rings a bit falsely positive to me. I'd probably go with "that sounds really tough" and then she can expand if she wants.

With a very close friend I'd encourage them to think through their options... It might be that she's already considered and decided against single parenthood, but if not it's something she should properly weigh up, without delay.

i'D say acknowledge that's it's sad and not what she wants. ask her if she thinks it would be painful forever or for a few years and then begin to get less sad. Don't just say ''oh it might happen''
I think I'd prefer to hear somebody say, ok, this hurts but it won't always hurt as much as it does right now.

@katienana

If she asked for advice I'd tell her to go it alone.

This. I have several friends who have done that and it was by far the right decision. I would always say if you really want children, and circumstances mean that it seem impossible then just go for it.