Am I a bit stupid or is this a condition?

[Margot78]

All my life I’ve been a bit scatty but lately I’ve been wondering if there is something a bit wrong with me! I have a degree but when it comes to daily stuff I really struggle. For example:

• I was never able to learn to drive, just couldn’t do it and then I developed an anxiety over it thinking I could kill somebody if I made a mistake so I quit.
• I find it hard to recall information quickly if someone asks me something. It sometimes feels like I’m trying to catch butterflies when I’m trying to catch my thoughts and it’s like a delayed reaction.
• I often forget things, like my packed lunch, putting the bins out, answering messages etc.
• I get quite fazed by anything practical. I am amazed by people who seem to know how to fix things, how to sort a garden out, how to work a gadget etc.
• In my job there are lots of things happening at once and I don’t always notice something and find my colleagues are having to point things out or remind me of things. They rarely trust me with me much. It is a job I’m generally unhappy In though.

I am quite hard on myself when I make so many mistakes on a daily basis. I suppose I’m hoping that someone out there is similar and can relate. I am genuinely worried that my brain doesn’t work as well as other people’s and I’m tired of feeling stupid all the time.

You used the correct word 'fazed' so you're definitely not stupid
(Sorry, it's a bugbear of mine. And I don't have anything helpful to add!)

Are you good at detail? Can you focus on a task well or do you find yourself easily distracted?

Depends what it is, if something is dull like a works training session then I really struggle to focus. I think otherwise I’m ok but I do sometimes miss or forget detail.

Can’t really diagnose from one thread on mumsnet but ADHD might be worth looking into

I would suggest you read up on neuro-diverse conditions. In fact I thought that as soon as I saw the title and your OP confirmed what I suspected! You sound a lot like me. I’m diagnosed with ASD and looking into ADHD (probably inattentive) at the moment. Also if you struggle with co-ordination I’d look at dyspraxia. Although not diagnostic, I’d agree it’s worth doing online screening tools to see if anything flags up.

I am both intelligent and ditsy. It took my 45 lessons to pass my driving test. I can hold down a career but I lose things a lot…I struggle with chit chat and social niceties.

Now I know I’m ND, I have learned strategies around it. I have a box in the bedroom and I put my clothes out the night before. I meal plan and I do my food shopping online (supermarkets stress me out and I go back on myself a lot, I find online shopping a much more effective use of my time and I’m less likely to get distracted and spend extra money on stuff I didn’t plan for). I have lists pinned to the walls at home for when I go out and when I go to bed so I don’t forget things or lie in bed panicking at night. That worked well tonight, I’d forgotten to lock my car! I give myself down time to relax and recharge. I used to try and be as busy as an NT person but the reality is I can’t do it. If I try, I burn out.

So yes. It’s likely you are neuro-diverse and if you know that, you can work with it, rather than fighting against it

How do you find out if you are? I can’t imagine going to my doctor with this and trying to explain my brain doesn’t work!

Start off by googling adhd in women.

If you think it chimes, ask for a referral to psychiatrist through gp or right to choose or go private for assessment.

You sound like me! All my life I’ve been described as scatter brained, away with the fairies etc even my teachers said I wouldn’t amount of much as I’m never present and always say dreaming.
I do struggle with staying focused on things, my mind life’s to drift or I get bored/distracted. I also don’t always notice things and people are often amazed by it and get frustrated with me. I really feel your pain!

Inattentive ADHD and dyspraxia?

It sounds like you have problems with executive functioning. I have to have a box of index cards with every single thing I need to do during the day…I get them out in the morning and put them back as I do them. They’re colour coded for morning, afternoon and evening. Also have a calendar and an index card to remind me to look at the calendar! And I also have a checklist for personal stuff like diet, exercise and mental health stuff. It takes ages but it’s either that or sit on the sofa and forget everything!

To get my ASD diagnosis, I went armed with online test results and a comprehensive list of what I thought were ASD traits. GP wasn’t brilliant but agreed to refer me “if you really want me to, I’ll refer you”. Have a look at [[A quick Google and I found these:

add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf this ADHD questionnaire]] as a starting point. There’s an AQ test for ASD too here. Have a look and see what you think.

Referral pathways vary between trusts. You can go through charities or private. The down side to private is some GPs won’t prescribe medication based on a private diagnosis so you end up paying privately for it (expensive!).

Sounds more like ADD than ADHD (no sign of hyperactivity, but problems with attention?)

I'm very likely hyperactive myself, and probably on the autistic spectrum as well (at the high-functioning end). Absurdly academically-able, but I found learning how to drive really hard, and it made me feel intensely stupid. Which made no sense, since I'm demonstrably not stupid... I was very anxious about driving for a long time, but not anymore: turns out I'm really good at it after all, now that all the muscle memory has settled.

It's very likely you're neurodiverse. Finding out more about your specific condition could help you understand better your strengths and weaknesses, and come up with suitable strategies to tackle everyday challenges.

Dyspraxia: you have a classic set of symptoms for that. I have dyspraxia secondary to Ehlers Danlos syndrome, and frankly learning to drive was a trial. Memory is awful, despite doctoral qualification. Poor personal coordination and organisation in general. An occupational therapist could assess you if you wanted a formal diagnosis.

Thanks for the autism test, might not be that if this is correct.

There are ADHD tests online as well, but bear in mind they may be less accurate for older adults who have developed workarounds and coping skills.

Have you had covid recently? Are you menopausal? Any defieciences of health issues? These can cause brain fog with some people. Are the issues long standing or just new?

• deficiencies!

Thanks for the test, I scored 43 out of 50!

Unfortunately I am in NI and there is no provision for adult womens testing here.

You scored very low on this, are you hyperactive at times?

@scoobydoo1971

Dyspraxia: you have a classic set of symptoms for that. I have dyspraxia secondary to Ehlers Danlos syndrome, and frankly learning to drive was a trial. Memory is awful, despite doctoral qualification. Poor personal coordination and organisation in general. An occupational therapist could assess you if you wanted a formal diagnosis.

I have ADHD but also recognised dyspraxia (also known as DCD) from your original post.

It's all under the umbrella of neurodiversity, which is why people will be picking up ADHD and ASD from your posts too.

I don’t understand when people say they have to do xy and z due to their inability to function. Don’t most people have strategies in place to keep on top of things? Plus we are in an information hypersociety. No one is in control any more. Having a career, a family or just engagement in something other than yourself requires some sort of system, no?

I make lists, use a calendar, etc.

@SenoraMiasma

I don’t understand when people say they have to do xy and z due to their inability to function. Don’t most people have strategies in place to keep on top of things? Plus we are in an information hypersociety. No one is in control any more. Having a career, a family or just engagement in something other than yourself requires some sort of system, no?

I make lists, use a calendar, etc.

Are you genuinely asking about the difference between what normal people need to do to function and those who find it more challenging? If so I would be happy to explain but if you're trying to make a point then I'll save my energy.

Absolutely genuine, here @PigeonLittle and not trying to antagonise.

I think much executive function is learned and supported by using tools. I rely heavily on them and without structure, don’t do well.

I’m trying to work out whether, for various reasons, as I always used these tools therefore learnt to manage and the difference for others, is that they have never had access, time to master or awareness of these tools or if it is something else.

Watching this with interest as I don't know what further tools I can use for my issues.

My last paragraph was unclear.

What I meant was that with these tools I have learnt to manage (to a degree) and wonder whether others who struggle have not had access to resources that help at a younger age.

Basically, am I propping up some ND with these tools that are very familiar to me or not.

There have always been organisational tools and aids of one sort or another. However, the catch-22 of a lot of them is that, in order to be able to use them, you need to have a level of executive competence or the right way of thinking in the first place, in which case you wouldn’t need them! Marie Kondo is a case in point. Totally unsuitable for ADHD people.

I always found Flylady good for starting at the right kind of level (short bursts, don’t exhaust yourself, build up, doing something is better than nothing). Couldn’t stand the plugging of the cleaning tools or (at the time) the email spamming, but that’s another subject.

@SenoraMiasma

My last paragraph was unclear.

What I meant was that with these tools I have learnt to manage (to a degree) and wonder whether others who struggle have not had access to resources that help at a younger age.

Basically, am I propping up some ND with these tools that are very familiar to me or not.

So I think the difference is that where everyone might struggle with some elements, do they do so to a disordered extent?

The best retort I heard to "We all get distracted" is "We all pee too, but if you're running to the toilet 100 times a day you've got a problem."

Or to put it another way. Everyone needs to learn how to swim, not many are innately brilliant at breaststroke, front crawl etc. Some are more adept to swimming and pick it up very very quickly, even excel at it. Most require lessons, structure, practice, training. And then there are others who are really bad at swimming, stay stuck in lessons for ages. No matter how often they are told the technique - they forget, their arms don't go the right way, they can't move their arms and legs in time with each other etc.

And these people typically don't stick at swimming lessons, you don't see them every week stuck in the same grade class. They have tantrums at home before going, meltdowns after class, they beg and plead and their parents say that maybe swimming isn't for everyone. Their parents decide have learnt enough to stay afloat and tread water in an emergency, and the kids resolve never to enjoy water slides or go swimming in the sea.

Now imagine it's not swimming, but all of life skills. Deciding to get up and put the dishwasher on, reading a page in a book for school, planning and prioritising revision, doing the laundry - and putting it away. Remembering important dates. Being able to keep your room tidy. Scheduling admin tasks like renewing car tax. Waiting and planning a considered choice, being able to save money. Keeping your mouth closed at appropriate times. Resisting the temptation to drink alcohol at 2pm.

Most people work through trial and error to set up a support structure to help with life skills. Most neurotypical people will struggle with some of the things on the list and grow and mature. Everyone has different priorities.

People with ADHD struggle with many more than average. Many of them keep trying to live a healthy organised life but fail each time. Many of them work phenomenally hard to do so - and manage to keep on top of it all, but they're working so much harder than everyone else. The support structure is greater than other people need. The anxiety is immense. It all balances very carefully. Often the mental health of undiagnosed ADHD is very poor - feeling you are to blame for everything, not realising your Executive Function puts you at a physical disadvantage.