friend saying no to write personal reference

[fruitbat987]

This happened a few years ago but I was thinking about this friendship recently (how when we spend time together it often feels as though she's bored/angry/fed up etc, same with others but always says she's ok when asked)
A few years back I needed a couple of personal references and asked her and she said she wouldn't know what to write and said no. I was quite surprised cos we're friends and I've often written personal references for friends.
It can be a very hot and cold friendship and others have commented that they think they've done something wrong cos she's been cool and offhand and prickly with them too. Does anyone else have a friend like this? It feels quite one sided too because she never asks about me, my life, kids, thoughts, opinions. She's very private, like a closed book. I've noticed she's the same with other people.

I often come away after spending time with her feeling drained or very down or feeling bad about myself.
Anyone else have/had friends like this?

No because I don’t tolerate emotionally draining people unless they have a valid reason for a short term personal reason for suffering.

People like your friend just sap your time and energy and bring nothing positive to your life.

Bin them and spend time with people who bring you joy and are as interested in you as you are in them.

No.
I've known people like this but the moment they reveal themselves I downgrade them mentally to acquaintance.

No.

We get to choose our friends so I wouldn't choose any like that.

Nope. This doesn’t sound like a friend worth having. Life is too short.

No because spending time with a friend should be enjoyable.

I have distanced myself from friendships like that as it is much to draining.

Well some people would be daunted by writing a personal reference.
I happily write them for people that I know well enough. But I wouldn't give a second thought if someone said they felt uncomfortable.

I do not tolerate toxic friends as life is too short. Quality not quantity. I would just get rid.

A bit of a jump, I know, but recently beginning the process of getting one of my daughters a diagnosis, of probably autism, I've spent a lot of time learning about and looking for signs of autism and other neuro-atypicality.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but some of the things you mention would be compatible with this type of diagnosis, for example they may be perfectly happy able to write a structured reference if they were given a list of yes/no type answers, but the thought of a freehand personal reference might be completely abstract to them.

I had thought of autism as my dd is autistic, but I know my friend doesn't believe in it (she queried the validity of my dd's diagnosis!) even though she ticks a lot of the boxes

This woman sounds like a complete pain in the arse, and I don't think you are her friend, because the friendship you give her is not reciprocated. I don't think she has any friends, just people she will grudgingly allow into her company.

If she's draining, don't spend time with her. You might miss her (at first) but I don't think she'll miss you.

yeah, I always think of something I read years ago, about the way you feel after being with friends
and it should leave you feeling better and happier, being with someone who likes you. I never feel like this, well extremely rarely, but I have this with other friends. It's so draining.