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Original poster

Secure attachment

10 replies

Mumofeli · 26/03/2022 15:56

Hi there, I am mom to 15months old son and worried sick if he has a secure attachment bond with me. Ever since he was a newborn, he didn’t show any affection towards me that a baby should to their mothers. He was more interested in looking at ceilings, corners, objects rather than at people, including me. He always used to look at my dress while breastfeeding and hardly looked at my face. He never seemed to follow my voice or smiled at my face when I was talking to him. He started smiling at his dad and others before me, he used to turn his head immediately with excitement upon hearing his dad's voice, he wouldn’t even look at me even if I am sitting right in front of him and trying to talk to him or sing to him. I was never his preference for anything. He just seemed to need me for feeds. He would sleep in few minutes when his dad rocks and sings to him and it would take me hours to put him to sleep. I Slowly things started to change when he got bit older (around 8 months), he started having stranger anxiety and bit of separation anxiety, at times he wouldn’t want to go to anyone from my arms and will hold me tightly and cry if anyone from the family tries to take him from my arms, including my husband. That lasted for few months and then he went back to being all cool and not wanting me around much.
I have heard and read that a baby will have a secure attachment with only one parent(mostly mothers) and that they will always look out for their mothers when in fear, pain, discomfort etc.

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/03/2022 15:58

Babies can develop secure attachments to more than one care giver. Also if he has a secure attachment to his father then his emerging attachment style is secure. You don't need to worry. He sounds perfectly normal and very attached to you.

LaraDeSalle · 26/03/2022 15:58

Personally I wouldn’t be reading stuff like that but just puts weird ideas into your head.

Your baby loves you you are the constant in their life. Sometimes they will be clingy and other times because they know your love is constant they are happy to not be with you because they know they’re coming back to you.

I really wouldn’t stress and worry and just enjoy your baby instead.

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/03/2022 16:03

Please stop reading whatever it is that is telling you about attachment types. They are not an actual thing. They are an explanation if how, in some people, how they bonded with a primary carer as a baby influences their adult personality.

They do not CAUSE any behaviour. They are a theory. They do not correspond to adult behaviour in all cases.

If you read a slightly different interpretation you will be told that as your baby is happy to self sooth, does not cling to you, any primary carer, they are well adjusted, self reliant and assured, as a child and as an adult.

I used to teach this stuff, it annoyed me then and annoys me now. It is theoretical discourse. Not part of a parenting manual.

Enjoy being a mother. Don't let scientific chatter ruin it for you.

This is the only instance I would say 'burn the books'

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Families

Original poster

Mumofeli · 26/03/2022 16:10

@Mumofeli

Hi there, I am mom to 15months old son and worried sick if he has a secure attachment bond with me. Ever since he was a newborn, he didn’t show any affection towards me that a baby should to their mothers. He was more interested in looking at ceilings, corners, objects rather than at people, including me. He always used to look at my dress while breastfeeding and hardly looked at my face. He never seemed to follow my voice or smiled at my face when I was talking to him. He started smiling at his dad and others before me, he used to turn his head immediately with excitement upon hearing his dad's voice, he wouldn’t even look at me even if I am sitting right in front of him and trying to talk to him or sing to him. I was never his preference for anything. He just seemed to need me for feeds. He would sleep in few minutes when his dad rocks and sings to him and it would take me hours to put him to sleep. I Slowly things started to change when he got bit older (around 8 months), he started having stranger anxiety and bit of separation anxiety, at times he wouldn’t want to go to anyone from my arms and will hold me tightly and cry if anyone from the family tries to take him from my arms, including my husband. That lasted for few months and then he went back to being all cool and not wanting me around much. I have heard and read that a baby will have a secure attachment with only one parent(mostly mothers) and that they will always look out for their mothers when in fear, pain, discomfort etc.

During the stranger anxiety phase, he seemed to not got to anyone but me when he is hurt or in fear but when he turned a year old, he started to jump from my arms to his dads then come back to mine after sometime when scared pf something but he still wants me to hold him when he is hurt. So I am confused if he is securely attached with me or his dad. I have cried days and months together thinking what did i do wrong to not deserve any special treatment from my son. He is my first child and he is my everything. All I do is take care of him day and night. And wish he loves me.

OP posts:

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/03/2022 16:14

Have you spoken to your HV about how you are feeling?

I think you probably should

LaraDeSalle · 26/03/2022 16:20

Whatever you have read should be banned so as to put such awful thoughts in your head.

A happy and contented baby knows you love them and that you are always there and that’s why to you it may sometimes look like he isn’t pleased to see you but is pleased to see others.

If you walk into a restaurant and your husband is sitting there you are pleased to see him of course but if your (insert much loved relative) is there who you don’t see as often as your husband, you will most likely show more excitement at seeing your relative than your husband.

Please don’t let these intrusive thoughts ruin your lovely time with your baby.

LaraDeSalle · 26/03/2022 16:22

I must admit I’ve never heard of this secure attachment nonsense and quite frankly it sounds a load of old bollocks aimed at disturbing the minds of mothers who may feel vulnerable and anxious due to tiredness etc.

Original poster

Mumofeli · 26/03/2022 16:29

My mum tells me the same thing and that i am overthinking. But the notion of secure attachment bond somehow got stuck in my mind deeply and I started worrying about my bond with my son. May be I should just stop thinking about it and enjoy the moments with my son.

OP posts:

SamphiretheStickerist · 26/03/2022 16:31

Yes, you should. And if you need help getting there do ask for it

sauvignonblancplz · 26/03/2022 16:36

Secure attachment isn’t about how the baby behaves when they are with you it’s about how the baby reacts during the reunion when you have been absent . The reaction at the reunion is what is used to determine attachment type.

But…. This like other people have said is not founded it’s just a theory. It’s also been studied that actually a baby’s own inherent personality must be explored over a long period of time, lifetime to make any actually clear ‘diagnosis’.

Please bear in mind that allllllll of these studies are population based and not individual . There is significant room for error and huge grey areas.

I’d be wary of your heightened anxiety about being loved , definitely something to consider and deal with before it does become an unintentional barrier between you and your son .

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