How do I get over the guilt of being off work

[MancInSpanx]

Name changed as maybe outing.

I’m nurse, qualified in august and started in my role October. I work with a lovely team and I love being a nurse (so far!).

I caught Covid (for the 3rd time 😢) in Feb and trust policy is isolation for 10 days so I was off for 7 working days. I did do admin from home but obviously there wasn’t a lot I could do.

Then in the last 4 weeks my oldest friend has died, she had been ill for a few weeks but suddenly took a turn for the worse. I am heartbroken obviously, I had a week off sick with stress/anxiety. I was barely functioning. After a week I felt a bit stronger and also guilty for being off as the team is SO stressed and short staffed. I was back in for a few days, then I got a phone call to say my grandmother who is like a second mum to me had had a fall at home. She was in hospital for a week but deteriorated quickly and passed away on the evening of my
Friends funeral 😢. It has been an horrific time and i go from crying, to being numb, to crying, to feeling ok again and every emotion in between.

As you can imagine, my mental health has been destroyed. I am struggling to sleep, not really eating, just going through the motions with the kids and DP. My mum was so close to her mum and she’s a wreck, my ds is traumatised and scared of me dying now.

But I have advised them today I have been signed off work for a couple of weeks. I work in a quick fast paced environment, all
Patient facing and I am no way in the right head space for being in work and performing treatments/caring for patients. I am scraping by on 4 hours of broken sleep, feel nauseous and weak and just horrible basically.

But I feel SO guilty. My anxiety is through the roof. I started working 18 years ago and have never had a sick note. I’m worried the team are going to think I’m skiving or even worse, milking the time off. No one has said anything of the sort to me, in fact they sent me a big bunch of flowers but I’m terrified I’m
Going to be in trouble when I get back or get the sacked 😢. How can I get over this guilt? Is it just a side effect of the grief I’m feeling?

I think it will get better if you just do everything you can to look after yourself....resting, maybe looking into some counselling, walks, pottering, talking to friends etc. We all have moments in life when we need to be carried and this is yours. You have had a huge shock and this is part of the adjustment reaction. You do not have to worry about not having a job to go back to. When you do go back I'm sure all your team would want is a thanks and a little box of chocolates or something.

I was off suddenly for three months and that was what I did - I said a small thank you at the team meeting and let everyone know I waa okay and gave a few people who I know had carried a load some little gifts. But for now op try to put work out of your mind

If you were unable to ever return to work or, heaven forbid, were to suddenly pass away pre-retirement, your job vacancy would be advertised within days of you being gone. Yes you owe them work done to the best of your ability and yes you owe them some degree of loyalty but you don't owe them every minute if your life and you don't owe them your long term health. Take the time you need to rest and recover

You took a week off work for a friends death? I am sorry, I would be judging you if you were my colleague. I am a bit more sympathetic about your grandmas death, but in all honesty, sometimes you just have to deal with the shit life hands you and not pass on the burden of it on to other people. Your attitude is already affecting your son, you need to be reassuring him and supporting him to understand his feelings.

@viques what the fuck is your problem? My ‘attitude’ is not effecting my son, my son has lost 2 people close to him in a very short space of time out of the blue. I’m glad you have a ‘bit more sympathy’ for the death of my grandmother. I hope something tragic doesn’t happen in your life and you don’t lose 2 of the closest people in the world to you in the space of a month. Would you really like to be cared for by a nurse who’s had 3 hours sleep (not through lack of trying!) and cannot focus properly on anything? I imagine you’d be the first to be complaining. Nasty piece of work. I wasn’t asking whether anyone thinks it’s right that I’m off, I was asking how I can reduce the anxiety. But thanks for you input and making me feel better about everything.

Thanks to the others who have replied. I have just had a phone call with the sister and she was lovely and said to take as much time off as I need, that sometimes life happens and we just need the time to build ourselves back up. I’m going to take ds for a nice walk then tomorrow we’re taking our mum out for dinner for Mother’s Day, we normally do an afternoon tea for the 3 of us but this will be the first year we haven’t done it 😢

Really glad work are being supportive, as they should be. So sorry for your losses xx

I’ve been off all week with covid, and feel so guilty - slightly different in that mine is not a new post, but I teach so it is massively inconvenient. However I agree with pp, your/my role would be advertised quick smart. Your priority is your health!

Oh gosh, please let yourself recover :(
I work in care and I can understand the guilt we all feel whenever have to take time off but over the years have also learned the importance of not pushing yourself to the point of breakdown too. We’ve had people off long term and I can’t say anyone has said a bad word at all about these colleagues, we know they’re caring hard workers and fab team workers when they’re on full form and we absolutely don’t want them ruining their health due to the guilt. Even their patients feel the same and always just ask for us to wish them the best. Many areas of care are exceptionally highly demanding roles to work on now due to the complexity and workload and very difficult to do if not on full form and you probably know little exception will be made if an error is made due to not being on full form. Your family are so important too and the most important thing alongside your patients are them. They’ll always be someone to replace you in your job but the care you take of your family is absolutely irreplaceable. All the paid carers and mental health professionals in the world can’t replace the love and relationship a child has with their parents so looking after yourself for your family (and of course you) is absolutely vital, take care x

It's a short time to take off in a life time of working op so I would not feel bad about it. Better to get yourself feeling ok before rushing back. I worked in a hospice for 15 years. During that time I saw a collegue take months off after the death of a close friend and someone else take 6 months off sick because her husband's father was ill !!! Now I'm sorry but that is taking the piss, not your situation of taking a few weeks off after 2 close bereavements. Nursing is tough because you have to go back to work and deal with death and dying, it's not the same as just going back to an office job. I took 3 weeks off when my fit and health mum died suddenly. My first day back I was dealing with dying people. It was no way long enough and my mental health has probably suffered in the longer term.

Sudden bereavement is horrible, the shock affects every part of you.

I can understand you feeling guilty but you need time and space to grieve. If you don’t it comes back to bite you on the bum.

You understand that you will have to return to work so you need a few strategies in place to help you cope. I actually found I could hold everything together at work, was just glad no one saw me in the car at the end of the day.

Look on YouTube. www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hypnosis+for+grief+and+loss Lots of hypnotherapy for loss and grief. Believe me, this will help you.

I also finding doing small things helped ( and might help your son) Planting sunflower seeds, planting a tree somewhere in the world. onetreeplanted.org/products/plant-trees?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIwayehozk9gIVSOztCh1bDQCpEAAYAyAAEgJEd_D_BwE. Even buying some food and donating it to a food bank ( from your friend, from your gran) Yes, I know it sounds daft but it’s something to do with reframing your grief.
Talk about the people you’ve lost. I’m afraid grief has to be gone through, you can’t go around it.
Look after yourself, make sure you eat and drink properly. ( I became ill, turned out to be dehydration as I’d cried so much but not drunk enough)

@viques

You took a week off work for a friends death? I am sorry, I would be judging you if you were my colleague. I am a bit more sympathetic about your grandmas death, but in all honesty, sometimes you just have to deal with the shit life hands you and not pass on the burden of it on to other people. Your attitude is already affecting your son, you need to be reassuring him and supporting him to understand his feelings.

What a horrible comment. I don't think you can underestimate the impact of losing an old friend. Grief has a real physicality to it. When I first experienced losing a close friend, during lockdown to cancer, I was a mess for three weeks. I couldn't focus, function. I never knew grief could feel like that. IF that was all that had happened then so what for taking a week off if you can't work, but that isn't, OPs grandmother then died. Your comment is really insensitive and unhelpful.

Hello. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your best friend. My best friend died a few years ago and I was utterly, utterly devastated. More so than I would have been for many of my relatives. I loved her very much. I completely understand you taking time off for her death. I am a nurse and would absolutely understand you taking time off just now. Life happens to all of us at some point. The NHS presentism culture does none of us any favours.

All the best.

Thank you everyone for you kind words, they’ve really eased my anxiety

Had a bad morning today, family members acting in a way that is totally shocking but had a lovely afternoon toasting those that can’t be with us. I’m just going to have my time off and get myself feeling better. Thanks again

You've paid your dues over the past 18 years.

Better to take time off now than compromise patient care and your own sanity.

By this time in May or June no one will remember you've been off. People are more consumed with their own issues. Just do what you need to do for self-care and forget the guilt.