Difficult DM - vent needed

[FrustratedofSwindon]

I gate this but I need to vent here before I vent at her and really upset her.

My DM is single and 64. She's in ok health but is health anxious. (Not anxious enough to stop her smoking).

She had an affair 20 years ago and her and my dad split. The Other Man never left his wife. She lost friends over it, understandably.

She is anxious about everything else too. She finds potential catastrophe in every situation and drains the fun and life out of every occasion with her what-ifs and judgment. She tuts and cat bottom mouths at everything my DH does.

She is bitter about everyone who has more money or more fun than she does. She even made a nasty comment that one of my (oldest and kindest) friends smiles to the camera on her Facebook photos. "Look at her. She always poses and smiles"

She can drive but has decided she's too anxious to go out of her immediate vicinity. We live about 25 mins away on quiet roads still in the same SW area she's known all her life but she won't drive to us. Nor does she invite us round but I can feel the doom if I don't take the kids round.

I'm an only child. She hates that I have 3 children and is only able to relate to DS1 who can do no wrong. She is never openly nasty to the others but I see the subtle difference.

She complains if her few remaining friends call. She avoids their visits and moans if they suggest doing something nice.

It is draining me. I am at the point where I don't want to see her and she knows this.

I'm positive. Upbeat. I change things up if I'm miserable about something. I treasure my friends and work at friendships. I can't relate to someone who wallows in their misery and loneliness. We'd spend more time with her if she didn't drag everything down.

Has anyone successfully turned around a thoroughly miserable mother? She has nobody else and no life. But I can't sacrifice mine for hers. I can't be questioning my own decisions based on her anxiety. And judgement on literally everyone. I know I sound unkind but I'm so fed up. I want to enjoy seeing her. But I can't do her life for her.

Tell me I'm being a bitch. I can take it.

Hate not gate, obvs

Take a massive, massive step back from her, op. You are powerless to change her and she is ruining your mental health. If your mother ends up alone it's because of her actions, not yours.

You're not being a bitch, you just need to draw boundaries. Suggest that she get treatment for her anxiety. Set limits on how often you bring the kids over. If she wants to see them more often she can do a zoom or facetime call with them. If her being judgmental is wearing on you, call her out on it. If she continues anyway start reducing contact with her and tell her why.

You need to reclaim your agency in this situation.

Thanks. I know it will make her more lonely and more miserable if we back off.

If she'd come to us it would help - it wouldn't add an hour on to a visit. And weekends are precious!

Maybe I can move to after school visits instead. Brief ones!

I think I'd ask her if she's depressed and when she says why, give her the list you gave us and explain that's not normal. If she poo poos it I'd have to go LC.

I'd also be calling her out every single time.
'That's very unkind, did you mean to be so rude' etc

You're all so right. I'd tell one of my friends the same.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, or misery. She is. If she is unhappy she can change things. She is choosing not to and that is not your fault.

You have your own life to lead. Don't try to mend your Mum's life - let her get on with it. Maybe if you back away it will force her to be more active and deal with her anxiety.

Stay strong. Stay away. Go LC.

My mum is also miserable. She is like a dementor who sucks the joy out of every situation and leaves me defeated. I know a large part of it is depression and 6 months ago, after I insisted in going to the doctor with her, she started a course of antidepressants. They worked very well and she was a different woman. So much so she decided she didn't need them anymore and didn't replace the prescription and soon was worse than before.

It doesn't help that she is widowed and very frail physically so needs a certain amount of care and attention (with housework, hair washing etc) which she wants me to do. I have refused. She is very well off and can comfortably afford carers and cleaners but she is so unpleasant to them that they will only stay a few weeks before finding other work. So she lives in squalor. She freely admits that she wants it to get so bad I'll be forced to visit more often and take care of things for her. Again I have said no but it's very hard to walk into a filthy flat and not at least put the bins out or clean the loo.

She is currently in hospital with respiratory problems. She has been very clear to the doctors that she wants minimal intervention and would be happy to die of her illness. But she wants me to visit every day. Which I have done despite it being a massive chunk of time and a total misery.

Today I tested positive for CoVid so can't visit for the time being. I'm torn between feeling guilty and sorry for her in there on her own and a horrible relief that for the next few days she won't be my problem.

And before anyone starts with the "oh, but she's your mum, you only get one mum' just remember that not all mums are kind and loving. Mine was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our childhoods. I do what needs to be done for her out of fear, obligation and guilt.

@Everydaydayisaschoolday I think you're allowed to feel relieved. It's so difficult isn't it?

I really hope my children never feel like this.

Just popping in here to make sure you know about the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board. You will find yourself with people navigating similar situations.

I think there’s a point where you need to accept that you can’t change her, and you’re not obliged to cope with or tolerate her actions and behaviour. the only thing you can change is what you’re doing. I would set some limits on how often you see her and contact her, for your own sake.

It’s not unreasonable to want to spend your time and efforts in a good way and not on people who are unhealthy for us.

I didn't. Thank you. That's really kind

FrustratedodSwindon wanted to say you’re not alone. I could have written your post about my mother. Her anxiety is money - doesn’t stop her spending money on cigarettes almost daily - and loneliness - yet hasn’t tried to even volunteer never mind get a job. I used to feel guilty and that it was my responsibility to fix her. I have realised now it isn’t. Enjoy your life and don’t let her bring you down and if it takes backing away and going LM then do it. You are not responsible for her happiness.

Thank you

I think you have had good advice on here. I spent years trying to help my mum and make her happy but she was determined to be unhappy. Realising that and accepting it was a big relief for me as I didn't have to strive to achieve the unattainable any longer.

Yes. I don't want her to be miserable. It upsets me that she is. But it's become too much for me to carry

I am now separated and 60 . I know that I went down into a deep depression, crying , etc . Found other people's happiness hard to bear , although I did not say so, just avoided them.
I am a great believer in being honest and telling the truth and have tried to tell my kids this. My son is like me so when he turned around and said to me " Mom , I hate seeing you so upset all the time , it makes me not want to be around or cone visit you ".
It was the wake up call I needed. Perhaps if you told your mother that while you sympathise that her life dud nor turn out as planned, her negative attitude is pushing you and your DCs away . Can she at least make an effort when you visit ? Otherwise, the DCs will no longer want to come and you won't force them to.

You have said that she has no one else. She does have other people, she has friends that she chooses not to see. This is not your responsibility. There is plenty on the internet about Fear, Obligation and Guilt and parents. It's very hard, isn't it