Abusive mother is terminally ill

[HenBob]

I am a long time poster but have NC.

Please help me square this in my head.
After a lot of therapy in my 30s I realised my mother was a covert narcissist. I would describe her behaviour towards me as abusive, and have always struggled to set any boundaries that she respected. I did reduce contact because I was physically unwell with stress and anxiety a lot of the time and this eased when I saw less of her.

When she stopped being able to control me so easily, she bad mouthed me to family and told them I was withholding my children from her for no reason whatsoever and that I was the abusive one. In reality, I regularly tried to set time up with the children but she always made it difficult. I was the only one who ever reached out to sort her to see the children - she never asked after them or made any attempt to set something up. However my two siblings believe that as her children, we should do anything she says. I believe they are very under her thumb. My mum told them to stop seeing me and we have not had a relationship since. I thought we were good friends before this and I realise that was never the case. In our family, if mum falls out with someone we all ignore them, that's how it's always been.

My dad saw through all this but was very much controlled by her. When I fell out with her, he would have to sneak out the house to call me up as he wasn't allowed to talk directly to me without being on speaker. I'm not exaggerating. I loved my dad, he did everything for us and I know he could never have left her as he wanted to be near us and bring us up, she would have villanised him and cut him out of our life if he hadn't done what she wanted. I am sure of it, and I'm sure he was too.

I was always really close to my dad, but my mum hated this and put so many barriers up to stop me seeing him. She told everyone I cut the children out of her life, while cutting my dad out I mine. It broke my heart. I always hoped I'd be able to build a relationship with my dad again, and that maybe he would outlive her, but a couple of years ago he died suddenly. I have been in therapy since, trying to work out a never ending amount of anger I have towards my mum. I feel like she has ruined my life and relationships and that realising it and putting steps in to protect myself have only made my relationships with other family members worse. I hardly spoke to my dad for the last year of his life. I can never get that back.

A few months ago she told me via text she was terminally ill. I'm very confused about everything again. I have avoided seeing her the last couple of years which is easy as she lives a few hours away and we've had the pandemic as an excuse. Now I am thinking, maybe I should do my best now to try and create some nice memories for her and my children (they have no idea what she's like, I've protected them from all this). I wish I had got the time to be able to do this for my dad. Will I regret not letting it go and at least trying with her?

I feel conflicted about what to do. On one hand I want nothing to do with her and blame her for ruining my family relationships and my mental health. On the other hand I know I can't change the past and perhaps I should try for the children's sake, and so I don't end up feeling guilt over it.

It's all an awful mess, and I never know what the right thing to do next is. I'm conflicted every day. What would you do?

Sorry, OP but firstly I would carry on with low/no contact.

I have no experience but I've seen several threads where the abuser 'suddenly' is very ill and expects contact, only for no illness to be apparent. I think it's called hoovering? I'm sure others will be along soon to advise better.

I'd certainly keep your children well away from someone like this.What 'nice memories' do you hope to create when she is a nasty narcissist? She's already shown what's she's like with spreading lies etc.

Your dad was a different issue as he showed you a different side except of being an enabler.

Keep your distance, she won't have changed just wants more power over you same as your siblings.

good luck.

Firstly, are you even sure it's true? 'Terminal illness' is a classic hoovering tactic from abusive parents.

You ask if you will regret it? Nobody knows but you obvs, but I'm on very superficial/low contact with my mum and can't see myself changing this when she gets ill. Knowing her, she'll not be interested in forging a last minute genuine relationship, on the contrary, she's likely going to be very difficult. So unless the announcement came with a sincere apology and request to mend things, I'll keep things superficial.

I would stay NC with your mum and siblings, op. Put yourself first. You deserve a happy and peaceful life with your children. When they're old enough you can explain why you don't see your mum. You've got nothing to feel guilty about at all. So sorry about your dad

Keep your kids away. Ask your mum why she’s so vile?

Is it actually true that she is ill at all? Or is she just trying to be manipulative? Have you any way of verifying it independently?

Thanks for the replies.

@billyt @onthegrindbaby @Topseyt you make an absolutely valid point about the hoovering tactic, but this is absolutely definitely true this time. First of all she looks extremely, extremely unwell and I would be more suprised if she was not ill, and second I took her for the procedure that would give her the prognosis (as the golden children were not available to do it!).

I think perhaps it's best to carry on, I think I am just yearning for a a genuine relationship with a parent or relative and losing her means that hope that I might one day have it will be gone forever. I know it's unrealistic. I just feel lost and alone.

NC with DM who is now almost 90. She is not ill but I don’t intend seeing her again. Sorry I can’t advise but I’d err on the side of caution OP. Leopards don’t change their spots. You will grieve when she passes, but only for what you never had, rather than for her- if you know what I mean. Watching with interest.

I would do nothing.
There are no nice memories to create.

I had a very problematic relationship with my mother. An expert also told me she was a narcissist.

I had also gone low contact, and had decided to wait and let her contact me. We only did telephone calls, and usually I was the one who made the call.

Then my brother called to say she had died (a stroke).

I was very shocked, and in amongst the anger felt sad and guilty.

However, over time (weeks not months), I just came to the realisation that it was the relationship that I had wanted that I was grieving.

Her death helped me enormously. I feel awful even writing that. But all the what ifs, should I’s, etc just faded away. All the endless thoughts about how I could reconcile my anger at her became pointless.
No I’m not proud about my behaviour towards her (but it was the best I could do)

She took up a lot of space in my head when she was alive, but now rarely ever.

I am NC with my family for similar reasons to you and sometimes wonder how I would feel if I found out one of them was terminal. I think your mum is so toxic (like mine) and has done so much damage to your relationships that I would not give her this final opportunity to mess with your head or your current relationships with your own DC. Your dad was a different story, there was another side to him. Reconciling with your mum won’t undo not seeing your dad. You are also highly likely to end up with just more bad memories. She is who she is, that’s unlikely to change if she’s terminal. In fact she might end up being nastier towards you because of it.
Only you can decided what to do though.

Your duty is to protect your children from your mother, not create nice memories for her! Either she's abusive or she's not. If she is you keep your kids away.

Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts. I'm taking it in. I appreciate it. I think it's hard to stick by my boundaries at times as she obviously still lives in my head, telling me I am making it all up.

Like @Porcupineintherough said, withers she's abusive or she's not. She is... Although I desperately wish she wasn't. Or perhaps I wish she wasn't so good at hiding it and making me look crazy.

I'm very sorry that you've had such an awful relationship with your mother. 100% you don't owe her anything. You certainly don't have to see her if you don't want to But she's a long time dead and there are no second chances.
So my attitude to things now is that if I think there's a possibility of feeling guilt, I just bite the bullet and do stuff. I don't do it so the other person feels better, I do it so I don't feel bad later on. As a result I carry very few regrets around with me now and feel quite concent in my head.
But the decision hangs on how you might feel if you do or don't go. To be honest, she sounds a very unpleasant person but only you know your relationship and how you'd like it to end now you're faced with her death.

I took her for the procedure that would give her the prognosis (as the golden children were not available to do it!).

How did she behave towards you on that day?

@Feedingthebirds1

I took her for the procedure that would give her the prognosis (as the golden children were not available to do it!).

How did she behave towards you on that day?

@Feedingthebirds1

She was okay, neutral and superficial. It feels like she sucks all the oxygen out of the room. She doesn't have any warmth towards me. Thankfully I didn't have the kids with me, so I wasn't as stressed as normal as I didn't have that worry.