How do I get out of this social situation?

[Blueskyorchid]

We have a lovely couple in our neighbourhood, who we like seeing, but who have quite raucous parties. We enjoy socialising with them one-on-one, but don't have the money to throw around when they go out for a meal.

We have been invited to celebrate a birthday with them (with a big group of people) and they have generously offered to provide taxis to the meal, plus champagne. But DH and I aren't hugely gregarious, and don't have the money to spend on a (undoubtedly) expensive meal at the restaurant they've chosen.

We told a white lie and said we couldn't get a babysitter, but hoped they have a lovely time. So far, so good.

Completely separately, and unconnected, a few weeks later, my parents offered to take the children for those days. Again, I didn't worry about this, as our lovely neighbours wouldn't be aware of this.

Until yesterday when lovely neighbours texted me and asked if we'd like to go to their house for drinks before they go out for the meal - and we're very welcome to bring the kids. Normally we'd absolutely say yes to this, but the kids of course won't be there!

So our excuse for not attending the birthday would be shot out of the water if we turn up without the children, and of course we can't bring them with us because my parents have the kids!

At this stage, I'd be happy (or not) to attend the pre-drinks, but still don't want to attend the expensive dinner. But I can't think of a way of doing either without causing offence. (What a tangled web we weave, etc. etc.) Help!

if you want to decline the drinks too, maybe one of the kids has a play / football match / party etc.

or again, one of you could go to drinks if the other is collecting kids from said football match

or you all suddenly get covid?

No reason why the kids can't be out somewhere without you (or with someone at your house) early evening, but would still need a babysitter later on. I doubt your friends will interrogate you on your arrangements or give it much thought. They will be too busy enjoying the birthday celebration.

However, if they are nice people and you want to continue the friendship, you may want to consider coming clean about the cost issue later on.

How old are the kids? Could you say they have an activity? Party? You promised them a movie night? They have a friend sleeping over?

You could just be honest and say you did manage to get a babysitter after all, didn't think you could, so you can make their drinks.

You're away obviously. Arranged since first invite. In fact, because your parents are having the kids book it now! Make yourselves scarce OP!

Think you might have covid perhaps?

Wouldn't it be best to be honest?

We love seeing you but we really aren't party people and find large groups a bit overwhelming. Can we stick to getting together just us?

Someone surely can't get offended by saying you want to spend time with them but not do big gatherings.

Oh yes there's always covid!

@IncompleteSenten

Wouldn't it be best to be honest? We love seeing you but we really aren't party people and find large groups a bit overwhelming. Can we stick to getting together just us?

Someone surely can't get offended by saying you want to spend time with them but not do big gatherings.

Completely agree with this. Just tell them you can't afford it. They sound really lovely, I'm sure they'll understand.

Thanks all. We've already all had covid so that might be a stretch (and would also involve letting them down at the last minute which seems unfair).

I don't really want to disclose the fact that we don't want to spend money on it - we choose to use it for other things that we save for - eg we're going on holiday the following week so it would look disingenuous to say we couldn't afford it.

The idea of the kids having an evening play date is possible (they are 6 and 8), but worry we will enmesh ourselves further if lovely neighbours see us coming and going without the children over the next few days. (They overlook our house and definitely notice our comings and goings!)

'Oh lovely! My parents can take them for a few hours but not the full evening so that would work great'. I don't think they will scrutinise that too much. Or you could come clean- 'we made a bit of an excuse as readies are a bit too tight this month for the restaurant and didn't want to bore you with the details but pre drinks would be great'.

I don't think it's a huge deal. I think most people would understand if you glossed over not being able to stretch to a fancy meal.

People are getting Covid more than once. How long ago did you have it?

That doesn't mean you don't have the money necessarily, just that it is earmarked elsewhere.

If you use the first, your parents changed their minds since they were having so much fun and decided to keep them. Don't add any further details that aren't true, you'll only trip yourselves up.

Oh lovely! My parents can take them for a few hours but not the full evening so that would work great'. perfect or if you want you can even say, we're so busy trying to get things sorted for our hols next week it'll be nice to get out of the house! We'll have to have a catch up properly when back and invite them to you?

Just say that you've asked your parents to come and sit with the kids for the hour or two that you're over having the pre-drinks but that they couldn't stay for the whole evening allowing you to go to the restaurant too, so you'll pop over for 1 or 2 but then you have to leave (if you want to go to their pre-drinks at all).
If you don't want to go, just be out! Leave before the pre-drinks (probably to drop your kids to your parents) and don't be back until they have left for the restaurant. Go to the cinema yourself and only return to your house when you know that they are supposed to be at the restaurant.

Thanks! There's a further complication (sorry to drip feed) that my parents live a couple of hours away (which lovely neighbours know), so the idea of impromptu babysitting isn't really feasible as we'll be dropping the kids with them the day before.

I am fairly sure the neighbours would feel offended if we fessed up and said we didn't want to go. They have fallen out with other neighbours in the past so we want to tread carefully!

Ok then: 'brilliant! My parents have said they'll have them. Thinking about it though, with the holiday etc etc I think we'd best give the meal a miss but can't wait to join you for drinks!'. Not really a biggie, you just tried to give the simplest reason for not coming but there's actually a bit more to it. If they're that volatile as to fall out with you over something like this, sod em, it'll happen sooner or later. You can't skint yourselves or walk on eggshells.

It's not that you don't want to come, sometimes you just can't afford to do everything at once.

Can you say you’ll pop over for a short while but need to “get back for x time as the kids will be back- they’ll need to be up early to go to my parents as well!”

@Onthetoadagain

'Oh lovely! My parents can take them for a few hours but not the full evening so that would work great'. I don't think they will scrutinise that too much. Or you could come clean- 'we made a bit of an excuse as readies are a bit too tight this month for the restaurant and didn't want to bore you with the details but pre drinks would be great'.

I don't think it's a huge deal. I think most people would understand if you glossed over not being able to stretch to a fancy meal.

Perfect response

I think lying that you have Covid 19 is wrong, but the increased numbers who have it is a reason enough not to go to a large group event. Especially as you do not want to give it to your parents and deny them the opportunity of seeing their grandchildren.

Doesn’t the holiday give you the perfect excuse? Everyone I know who is having any sort or break, UK or otherwise is basically withdrawing from society for a week or two beforehand to ensure it can still go ahead Covid-free.

I can't think of anything other than D&V OP but this is exactly the kind of mess I get myself into when I tell a porky. Good luck!😆