Son won't come home (kind of)

[Notoschool]

Not that long ago I had a thread about my son refusing school /mental health issues etc. So there Is some history on that thread.

So now we are still waiting on camhs. Early help closed the case. My son had some counselling sessions but skipped the last 2 sessions. We were offered family therapy it was meant to be that my son would have 2 sessions on his own . I would then join in the last 4. My Son had 1 session. Then refused the rest. So that's now been stopped as well. As I said we are waiting in camhs but I have a feeling my son won't engage.

So the latest thing is he will barely comes home. He tells Me things like he has not self harmed for 19 days etc. And he's happy staying at his mates house the problem is at home. There's nothing going on at home. Everyone is happy apart from him.

I keep telling him that he's 15. He's a child and he has a home to come to . I have spoken to the parent of his friend. I have said to her things like. You need to stop telling C that he can stay at your house. I'm his parent you are not . And I said how would you feel if your child never came home and was at my house all the time? She said yes she understands.

I also told her that he has implied to me that he's drinking and smoking weed . She told me no that does not happen she's very strict and won't allow smoking /drinking in her house. My son told me its in the garden.

Am I wrong in thinking you don't just let someone's child stay at your house without checking with the parent especially after i have spoken to her on several occasions. And it not just being now and then like teenagers like to do but he's practically moved in.

I have said things like I will get the police/social services to do a welfare check if it comes to it. As I don't know what environment he's actually in.

I'm not able to go to where he's staying and make him come home he's over 6ft tall and stronger than me. So I physically can't.

I have taken ages trying to word this to make sense I have found it very hard to put into words. It's so hard to explain. But will answer anything best I can . I just want my son home. And things to be normal.

Do you pay for mobile phone contract etc? Do his washing? I'd stop all of that and make life harder for him if he's away from home. I'd also tell the other mum that if he isn't at home you will be calling the police as he is a child and is missing (don't call them but this may scare her into saying he isn't allowed to stay any longer)

It's a really tough situation and I sympathise.

@suzysays

Do you pay for mobile phone contract etc? Do his washing? I'd stop all of that and make life harder for him if he's away from home. I'd also tell the other mum that if he isn't at home you will be calling the police as he is a child and is missing (don't call them but this may scare her into saying he isn't allowed to stay any longer)

It's a really tough situation and I sympathise.

He never asks for top up for mobile. He does not care about his washing either.

I have said to the mother things like I will get the police /social services to do a welfare check.

Is he happier? Sounds like no self harm for 19 days is a move in the right direction. I moved out when I was 15 I couldn't stand living with my mum (for various reasons). Get the police to check and if he's happy there and the parents are happy to have him I'd let him stay for say 30 days then review.

My DS left home at 15 just before the summer holidays! He went to live with his best friend's brother and his girlfriend. I regularly knocked at their door to check a) he was still there b) he wasn't outstaying his welcome and c) to give them money to feed him. Occasionally he would come to the door, mostly he didn't but the girlfriend reassured me he was fine, she made sure he went to school and she would let me know if she was worried. She reassured me she always told him I'd called. This carried on for 2 months; not long but, to me it was agony. My DS is now in his early 30s. I asked him "Why?" about 10 years ago. Our discussion came down to: 1. He didn't really know, 2. He wanted a bit of independence and trust 3. He discovered I loved him more than he realised because of my regular trips to ensure he was safe. It was this realisation that made him come home!
You must do what's right for your son, he is on the cusp of adulthood. Don't drive him away. He is safe and fed. He will come home.

Who else is in your home apart from yourself?

@CharSiu

Who else is in your home apart from yourself?

Ds whos 19 he works full-time spends 50% of his time at his boy friends. Nothing going on with him.

Dd who is 11 and the 2 youngest who are ds who are 5 and 6. Just typical kids. Nothing going on with them

I'd be livid in your shoes, just wanted to come on and say I'd be angry at the other mum too. Weed and alcohol can be a common self medicating strategy for teens and it can make mental health a lot worse, not everyone appreciates that. Not got any great advice other than you're right to be concerned and to be angry and the other mum is a liability.

If he's genuinely happier and healthier maybe it's what's best for him.

My mother would have also said that there was nothing wrong at home but opinions vary, maybe there is something that isn't good for him personally.

I'm not sure what to suggest, apart from the ideas for the police and social services welfare check sound sensible. In contrast to the poster above, I don't think I'd be getting angry with the friend's mum. From her pov, she's looking out for him, even if you see it as enabling, and she probably doesn't want to run the risk of him choosing to go on the streets instead of home, if she gives him an ultimatum. Blaming her is going to stop you from solving the issues around WHY your son doesn't want to be at home.

To clarify, in contrast to Knittingchamp.

@CremeEggThief

I'm not sure what to suggest, apart from the ideas for the police and social services welfare check sound sensible. In contrast to the poster above, I don't think I'd be getting angry with the friend's mum. From her pov, she's looking out for him, even if you see it as enabling, and she probably doesn't want to run the risk of him choosing to go on the streets instead of home, if she gives him an ultimatum. Blaming her is going to stop you from solving the issues around WHY your son doesn't want to be at home.

She does not even communicate with me unless I contact her. When she eventually says he cant stay he comes home . He also has his sisters house to fall back on. But he comes home. When that parent tells him he cant stay there.

I think the reason why he does not want to come home is because there's no boundaries where he is . There's several teenagers some older than him around 18. And they are buying him alcohol. Possibly smoking weed. The mum told me that she is very stricked she does not allow that in her house. Yet ds has sent a pic of him drinking to my older daughter.

When I can get him home with me he's been ok . He sits with me in the living room and we watch TV joke about ect have general chats.

But he does play up when the younger kids are about an example could be dd is in her bedroom she will laugh at something and he will start aggressively shouting and banging on her door/wall really hard . Even though he's on ps5 shouting with his friends. He will also nag when the 5 and 6 year old are playing . Yet he's OK when he's at his mates house who have alot of people in the house.

He told his social worker that he does not know why he is that way at home. He said that there's no real reason for it . But he does not mean to.

All the help counselling/family therapy he's either refused or cut it short and refused to do anymore .

@Knittingchamp

I'd be livid in your shoes, just wanted to come on and say I'd be angry at the other mum too. Weed and alcohol can be a common self medicating strategy for teens and it can make mental health a lot worse, not everyone appreciates that. Not got any great advice other than you're right to be concerned and to be angry and the other mum is a liability.

Thank you for understanding. Its also the case of all she says is the words yes I understand yes I understand. At (everything) I say . Even when I said I epuld get a welfare check done at her house. She just said the words I understand. There's not even a discussion.

I think the drinking and smoking at hers is a red herring; teens will do that anywhere, probably safer in someone's back garden. Also if he already has a social worker, send them round to speak to the mum ?

I said already that I don't think the social welfare check is a bad idea, so not sure why it's being used as a bit of a threat to her. Maybe it would reassure you?

I don't think there's anything at all any parents can do about drinking or smoking or taking drugs once they're past 15 or 16 either. It's far more normal to use than to not partake in your late teens.