Do I need to get my 3 year old tested?

[softtfos]

He is 4 in October, an only child. I love him with my entire being but I just really don't like him right now, his company is painful.

He can be cuddly and affectionate. But he does not listen. Today we went on a trip put together and he was constantly running off, shouting when he didn't get his way, touching mannequins and refusing to stop, not listening on the train when I was telling him to sit down.

We are now at home, anything I tell him to do, he doesn't listen. He has hit me. I ask him to apologise, he blatantly ignores me.

Last week whilst I was in the shower he poured an entire bag of dog food on the floor, two cartons of milk, chilli jam, put cereal and maple syrup in the toaster, poured juice everywhere.

When he doesn't want to go to the childminders he says that if I make him go he will be naughty, so I should keep him hope.

He often it funny when he misbehaves. He recently made me cry and found it hilarious that he had. He won't go to bed. He gets up 5+ times before he goes to sleep.

He has completely ran off in the supermarket before, to the point I can't find him.

It seems his behaviour is the worst when he's with me. I feel like I've googled every parenting style known to man and tried and tried and tried but his behaviour is just awful.

I hope you get some better answers soon.

I'm not sure he needs testing from what you've said, but it does sound like he needs some boundaries. That said, I wouldn't have taken a 3 yr old on a train to go shopping in a big city - it would likely have been a disaster as my kids wouldn't have been interested for long. Ditto with a supermarket trip. It's hard work keeping them focused so they don't get restless.
What does the childminder think? What is he like with his father? Or grandparents?
What is he like if you take him to a park or farm or somewhere aimed at preschool aged kids?

Tested for what?

Has he hit his developmental milestones? From your post it doesn’t sound like he needs testing, it just sounds behavioural. I would never have left my 3 year old unattended while in the shower, and misbehaving on trains etc is normal. Have you got anyone supporting you?

Tested for what? I have a child with autism - nothing you’ve written particularly sounds like that and I’d have thought three was too young for an ADHD assessment.

How does he behave for other people or with the childminder? When you say you’ve googled every parenting style known to man - have you consistently implemented one? Because, and I mean this kindly, honestly my first impression just from what you’ve said was he’s a fairly typical naughty three year old who needs some firm boundaries and consequences for misbehaving- did he clean up the big mess he made? (That said I wouldn’t have left a three year old unattended with access to a kitchen, much less long enough to make that kind of mess in the first place - he could have electrocuted himself on the toaster!) How do you discipline him when he runs off or hits you?

He sounds, and I say this with the most sympathy in the world... very three.

Honestly, they're awful. Funny and delicious but also wilful and difficult and absolute little sods.

Firm boundaries with immediate consequences are the best way to deal with it. Messes need to be cleared up immediately, children who can't hold mummy's hand and walk nicely will have to have their reins on, if you're not going to listen then we're going to go home right now - count to three then consequence. It takes time and perseverance but doing this now will help all of you, including him.

Testing for what?

He sounds just like my eldest DD at that age, she's always been a real handful and like you say painful to be around at times. Could never take an eye off her and very willful and defiant. She's older now and calmed down a fair amount with schooling. I'm pretty sure she has at least some mild form of adhd, I've toyed with the idea of taking her for private assessment as I worry how it will affect her as she moves into secondary. I looked up a private referrer online who's website had a long lost of symptoms, I could think of examples from her typical behaviour for every single one of them. It's harder to do that with a 3/4 year old though as most of the behaviours are normal for preschoolers. You may have to wait until he's a bit older. I personally wouldn't rely on the school to know or tell you though, just from my experience

I don't think he needs testing, he needs boundaries and clear, immediate consequences. Three year old's forget what they did earlier, or do not necessarily have the capacity to link a punishment to an earlier action.

You need to be firm and follow through on consequences. It takes time. It won't happen immediately, but you need to be consistent and not back down so that he understands what to expect.

I just wanted to add that often what looks to us as toddlers ignoring us can be due to inability to focus/filter out other stimulation.

Until they learn the ability to focus AND tune out distractions they can find it difficult or impossible to pick out your voice amongst other things like radio/tv noise or if they're "busy" engaged in something. I find I get better results from a gentle touch on the shoulder if my child is engrossed in something, and a greeting and talk on their level. They often get cross because they don't yet have the ability to control how they feel, even as an adult it can be difficult when you're interrupted during an activity you're enjoying, more so if it becomes frequent.

I agree with the others that any testing may be premature unless there's a number of developmental delays etc. because I have been promised that most grow out of a lot of their undesirable behaviours.

That said, it is bloody tough! Good luck op.

Sounds like my two boys when they were young. They did end up with asd/adhd diagnosises. I feel for you, as it it a joyless grind. I would get help sooner rather than later to be honest.

He needs strong boundaries and you need to enforce them... EVERY SINGLE TIME. Three year olds are so hard and it sounds like yours is particularly!

They need to be busy, but they also need rest, they're such clever little things and beginning to have amazing skills of manipulation!

By all means talk to your HV or GP even if it is for support or to start a ball rolling. But even if it causes tantrums insist on hand holding when you go out, every single time. He makes a god awful mess when you're in the shower, he cleans it up with a cloth or whatever, every single time.

Check out why he doesn't want to go to the childminders, is something going on there? Would he be happy to do a picture/take something like a shell or something special to the CM to show her?

Good luck OP. Boundaries will help and make them feel safe too.