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Original poster

Why do some people suffer from stress when others wouldn't

20 replies

DetailMouse · 23/03/2022 18:10

I have a staff member who had what can only be described as a melt down at work today.

It's a junior post, 4 hours a day. She does a good job, it's well within her ability and I genuinely believe we are a supportive employer, I have often told her to bring any worries to me and I always act on them. The hours are plenty to get her work done, in fact she's sometimes looking for something to do (which I understand can also be stressful, but she's not saying that).

She has some issues with her assistant who can be difficult and she's blaming this entirely for her outburst today.

I'm struggling because I feel we should have protected her better, but there's also a part of me that thinks it was her job to manage this member of staff.

I've arranged counselling and OH and sent her home today. We shall see what tomorrow brings, but on the face of it there may be more to her worries. What can I do if she won't share? I strongly suspect some of it originates with her homelife, which we could also support in some ways, but she's not telling me what the problem is there.

I am thinking, in part, that if she can't manage this staff member, perhaps the job's not for her. Is that completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 23/03/2022 18:23

Do you know what the issue with the member of staff is? , is she an experienced manager?.
Ultimately i think she needs to tell you what the issue is so you can help

Rainbowshit · 23/03/2022 19:14

YABU to think that based on this one incident. You have no idea what else she has going on.

You say the staff member can be difficult, how have you supported your employee in dealing with this difficult person?

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 23/03/2022 19:20

Stress is cumulative. Often the thing that prompts the outburst is just the straw that breaks the camels back and possibly not even that big of a deal

ufucoffee · 23/03/2022 19:24

I think work stress can affect those staff who are more conscientious than those who turn up, do the bare minimum and leave. Is your member of staff worried about doing a good job and unhappy when she can't manage it?

Crazykatie · 23/03/2022 19:31

We all have different personalities, being able to control emotions and cope with stress is essential if you are to do many jobs, particularly interacting with others.
Some are unable to follow even simple instructions or do any repetitive jobs, while others have no problem.

Fordian · 23/03/2022 19:36

@Crazykatie

We all have different personalities, being able to control emotions and cope with stress is essential if you are to do many jobs, particularly interacting with others. Some are unable to follow even simple instructions or do any repetitive jobs, while others have no problem.

...and we all know who make better employees!

BoodleBug51 · 23/03/2022 19:38

Thing is, having issues with her assistant shouldn't lead to a meltdown... it's horribly unprofessional and pretty horrible for the person on the receiving end and anyone witnessing it. No matter what tripped it off.

GruntGruntSnifSnif · 23/03/2022 19:52

Stress is cumulative. Often the thing that prompts the outburst is just the straw that breaks the camels back and possibly not even that big of a deal
This

Reading between the lines your workplace is maybe not quite as supportive as you think it is. You do sound concerned and supportive but posting on MN about an employee's difficulties including speculating about problems at home is unprofessional. I have worked in jobs like this where management are blind to how unhelpful and unprofessional their behaviour is.

I think you shouldn't expect her to share her home life situation with you.

This stand out
I'm struggling because I feel we should have protected her better, but there's also a part of me that thinks it was her job to manage this member of staff. Being junior, how come she is managing a member of staff?

TheSunIsStillShining · 23/03/2022 20:07

I am going to get flogged for this....
you are not her mother, she is a grown woman. Either handle the stress or quit. But do not bring personal level drama to the office and have others have to clean it up.
(Yes, there is a level where companies have a duty of care - eg not sacking ppl with genuine mh issues while they are off and working through it.)
I've worked with young "professionals" who have "issues" and "stress". no, they just want their mum to hold their hand and they like/need drama. grow up and then take a job. Also the general consensus that kids need to be awarded and praised just for showing up is not helping our future generations.

Part of growing up is to realize that you have an issue that you can't solve and going to your managers with it. Not saying anything then blowing up is childish and unprofessional.

LizzieSiddal · 23/03/2022 20:13

She has some issues with her assistant who can be difficult and she's blaming this entirely for her outburst today.

She’s told you what’s causing the stress and you need to act on it.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 23/03/2022 20:18

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diathesis%E2%80%93stress_model

OllyBJolly · 23/03/2022 20:26

Totally with you, @TheSunIsStillShining

GruntGruntSnifSnif · 23/03/2022 20:29

Part of growing up is to realize that you have an issue that you can't solve and going to your managers with it. Not saying anything then blowing up is childish and unprofessional. Not all managers deal with issues. OP, what steps are you taking to address the situation with the difficult assistant? You need to deal with the workplace issue not ask intrusive personal questions about home life. Managers make or break a team and there are many ridiculously incompetent ones. The OP has several issues in her team what is she doing to tackle these issues? Posting about an ongoing work place issue on Mumsnet and idly speculating what might make this employe suffer from stress when others wouldn't is not going to help.

The fact that you even have to ask "Why do some people suffer from stress when others wouldn't" tells me that you are not able to put yourself in other people's shoes and may lack empathy. There may be the actual issue your employee has at work.

Op what did the 'meltdown' entail anyway?

TheSunIsStillShining · 23/03/2022 20:47

Not all managers deal with issues
yes, true. But in this country the number and level of issues I have had to deal with in my many teams is ridiculous. Like being in a kindergarten.
There are far too many people who are being precious and bringing their drama to the office. one employee: can't get a job done by the deadline which she agreed to a few weeks before, because the stress of the deadline makes it impossible for her to focus on her work. Another (actually multiple cases in recent years): broke up with BF/GF and could I please do his/her job for a few days as s/he is so stressed. or extend the deadline.
And when I said I'm possible going to divorce my H and have a primary aged child, don't know how I will manage, where I will live,... and I am already working 12 hr days the person was offended that I "downloaded" my problems to her, as she should not be burdened with my personal life. Totally agreed with her and asked, then why should I be with hers? Ps. didn't divorce, still happily married if anyone is interested :)
This is no way to act as a grown up. Suck it up or take paid leave.

Atm I work with 2 eastern european countries, team compromises of ppl from both. out of about 25 there is 1 who is a bully, and one manchild, who is "bored, doesn't see the need to do x/y/z task as in his opinion it is not useful". And he throws man tantrums, keeps going to my bosses every 2 weeks. Unlucky for him by now his expertise does not outweigh the trouble he is causing.
With the bully, many came to me asking for support - but on a professional level. Not one person came to me stressed or on the brink of a meltdown. They came and told me that his behavior is unacceptable and either I do something about it or they will quit. Fair enough. Situation brought to light, explained, and I dealt with it. Now everyone is happy. That's the manager's job, not to handhold and figure out what's going on.

GruntGruntSnifSnif · 23/03/2022 20:57

Situation brought to light, explained, and I dealt with it. Now everyone is happy. That's the manager's job, not to handhold and figure out what's going on. Agree 100%.

I thought the OP focused too much on the stress and mental health aspects, many workplaces are doing this now. While becoming more and more unprofessional. Employees and managers alike lack a lot of basic professional skills. Drama should stay at home, employers should focus less on mental health and more on training everyone and getting rid of slackers. Slackers bring the whole team down.

BotterMon · 23/03/2022 21:02

Well said @TheSunIsStillShining

Crazykatie · 24/03/2022 19:50

Some are good managers some are awful, a good manager will see a difficult situation developing, just watching body language and normal interaction can indicate problems. These days I don’t choose to manage others, it’s nice place to work the managers we have are good and the general manager is always visible and approachable.

ChiefInspectorParker · 24/03/2022 20:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Babyroobs · 24/03/2022 20:17

@GruntGruntSnifSnif

Op what did the 'meltdown' entail anyway?

Have had this situation recently. One member of our very small team doing very little and an absolutely lazy arse. Gave wrong advice to vulnerable people who would then ring back in tears and distressed and the other two of us would have to sort out the incompetent staff members messes as well as a huge workload of our own. I approached the manager about it numerous times over 2 years, giving examples time and time again, yet nothing was done. It created huge stress for me as these poor clients were in a difficult enough situation and being receiving poor advise. It got to the point where I was worrying about everyone, worrying what had been missed. So I left, it was obvious nothing was going to be done and my manager did not care enough to intervene.

MargaretThursday · 24/03/2022 20:55

You probably don't know the whole story.

I'd have said 3 years ago that I handle stress well. I can let things wash over me, and am able usually to keep calm and carry on. I'm fairly good at live and let live and being able to see other points of view. I don't cry easily, and tend to appear happy and chilled most of the time. I would have said little could really get to me.

Six months ago I walked out of a meeting in tears and took time off with stress.
I'd had since March 2020 working up to triple my normal hours (for no more pay), hadn't had any time off/holiday since December 2019 due to others being furloughed.
That was what people thought had got to me.
It wasn't.

I was being bullied by a new member of team who was using another member of team to also bully me. On paper I should have had almost nothing to do with him. In practice it wasn't that.
When I spoke to my line manager I knew she believed me, and was on my side. But there was very little concrete evidence.
Things like after he'd been pulled up for something (not to do with me) my work email was signed up to porn sites. The work email is only known internally, which is less than a dozen people. Another time a big order I had made was "cancelled" -almost no one knew I'd placed the order with that company because historically we've used a different one.
Lots of things that on their own seemed petty or like I was pointing a finger with no evidence, but they'd never happened before.

It wasn't really even that that got to me. It was the fact that my line manager, much as I knew agreed with me, seemed to be bending over backwards to accommodate the other person. I felt I wasn't listened to and my feelings etc came second place to keeping this other person (who many people had issues with both as a worker and personality) happy.

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