My mother never listens to me

[StandUp17]

She will say to anyone and everyone that she listens to her kids, and yet she has never listened to me in her whole life (she's 80.)

Within a minute of me trying to explain something, she talks over me, won't let me finish what I'm saying, finds a personal comparison and hence turns the convo to herself, tells me to stop being so angry, stop being so stressed. And then will say how hurt she is that I've been brusque, or how it upsets her to have to listen to my distress.........and so it goes on.

I'm a very strong person and deal with most things completely on my own, but 8 years ago my life collapsed when I found out that my husband had a mistress who was pregnant with his child.

Of course, I was left in a very, very dark place.

I've done so incredibly well in rebuilding my mental health, but those years have been a struggle (financially as well as emotionally) and currently I'm in a legal battle with him over my flat as he is in breach of the consent order. That legal battle is of course costing me money, and looks as though it will get worse before it gets better, if ever it gets better.

And this is what I try to talk about with my mother.

Today, I was trying to explain that I have to fight for my flat as it's all I have in life (I'm 50, I have no personal pension other than my state pension and I'm a low earner) and she immediately said yes, well I mean I don't have very much, and now that the electricity is going up......

She's been married to my father her whole life. They have a very nice detached house and garden paid for a long time ago. Together, they have about £1800 a month coming in, more than enough for their needs, and in fact she's just paid for all new carpets and re-decorating.

I don't begrudge her a bit of it. Not one bit. and I have never so much as had a £50 loan off my parents, and would never expect or want that either.

But when I try to explain to her that when I'm 80, the way the UK is going, I will be far poorer than her and hence, I'm trying to make sure now that I can keep warm and well fed for then, she comes back with, well you shouldn't be thinking about when you're 80!

I said, I have no choice but to think about when I'm 80. Because if I'm on my own when I'm 80 (I don't have children and my sibling isn't remotely interested in me) I will be totally alone and this country won't look after me.

But this is typical of any convo I have with her. She has a very narrow life experience, and cannot let me finish a point without cutting me off with what she thinks, and frankly struggles to imagine an hour in anyone else's shoes.

I also have non - stop ongoing problems with my roof leaking (a drawn out battle over 4 years with the managing agent.) Dotted around my flat are many brown patches caused by the damp ingress, and two areas run water down the wall when we have very heavy sustained rain.

She had a leak for about 4 days recently, which was fixed fairly simply for about £280, and I never heard the end of it, she was practically crying on the phone, said she had to go to bed early because of how it had stressed her out.

I allow for her age, I allow for her different character - I allow for everything. But really the bottom line is that she's myopic and I really can't talk with her at all.

I can say things out loud to her, but there's zero chance of a considered, sensitive, wise, helpful reply from her. Ever. About anything.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I suppose because I just don't feel heard really. I've never felt heard.

Sorry. Just needed to vent.

I hear you. Both my parents are the same, and if anything they are getting worse over time. They either go stony faced, or talk over me, or change the subject as if I haven't spoken. It's so hurtful, really painful, and makes me so angry

I have given up all hope that they will change. It's awful, but it brings me a kind of peace to deal with reality, rather than longing for things to be different. They live in a different country so I rarely see them, and I stopped phoning them years ago. I don't tell them much at all about my life. I really don't think they care

Do you have other people in your life who do make you feel heard, and make space for your feelings?

It's very upsetting when your parents don't care enough to listen

I’ve got one of those too. I hear you.

I've got one of those. She talks AT me, not with me.

I joke that she transmits but doesn't receive but it's not actually funny.

I don't feel heard, cared about or that I matter. It's painful.

I rarely call her now, and luckily we live far apart. I've accepted this is her and she won't change, and I seek love and support from others instead. I wish I had a mum like most of my friends' mums, it does make me sad.

Nothing to offer I'm afraid except to say I am listening and I understand.

Yeah and it's not going to get any better is it? Sorry that your Mum has always been like this. Honestly you have to write her off as a person who will listen to you as I am sure you have done. Even the best of them end up like this imho, as their worlds get smaller so does their focus. Plus they just don't want to hear stressful things. Good luck, sounds like you are doing okay without her support.

Same and it’s awful. Makes you feel like crap!

Thanks for understanding.

Must admit I ended up crying and felt awful for it as - at my age and with my history - I should have moved beyond it.

It's true - she's never been any different and she will never be any different. But I do yearn for that parental relationship that you can lean on, even at my age. When I see others that can truly have a heart - to - heart with their parents, how I envy that but I've never had it.

I do have a couple of good friends, so I am lucky.

I wonder whether it's just a complete lack of tact on my mother's part, or zero emotional intelligence, or narcissim.....but it would help if, when she realised that her words had upset me, she'd just say "Sorry, that was a bit clumsy." Instead I get, "You've always been haughty/over-dramatic/you've hurt my feelings/I won't bother listening then/that's life/you're not as badly off as some/you shouldn't get so stressed out/......... which makes everything even worse!

And I say again. I'm never on the phone complaining about work, or can't afford a new sofa, or such and such has let me down. The only thing that I really do take badly and struggle to rationalise is the ongoing fallout after my husband was found to have this whole other secret life in London that ripped through my life and prospects. And even that I get on with the best thing I can.

Anyway, thank you all. Life isn't always a bowl of cherries is it?

However old you are, she is still your mum, and it's entirely natural to want her support and her attention. Please don't force yourself to try to 'get over' this - it's seriously painful to be rejected by a parent

It's also entirely natural to wonder WHY she is like this, and to long for answers. However, whatever her reasons, the impact of her behaviour on you is serious and really hurtful. That's the really important thing

Lots of us on here with similar parental issues have found therapy extremely helpful, to make sense of the experience and the impact it has on us.

What happens if you talk to your dad?

If she'd said "Don't worry about what happens when you are 80", she should have followed up with "you'll be okay as you'll be living in my house" for example. She does sound self centered and unempathetic.
I have a similar type of communication with my mother - she doesn't show much understanding, when it comes to my feelings in particular. If I mention that another person has mistreated me/was rude/mean etc, she wouldn't try to sympathize or even properly ask about the situation. She would either be completely neutral with nothing much to say, or she'd be on their side! Recently I'd mentioned an issue with a family member (that they have caused for no apparent reason). My mother's response? "I really like her", not even an acknowledgment to what I said and how that relative had made me feel. Took me right back to my childhood, when both my parents always put me last and always chose to believe everyone else's word over mine.

I’m sorry, my mother is similar. I think because she doesn’t have the life experience to empathise. She’s never had to earn the money to pay bills, my father was the main earner and took care of everything for her. She doesn’t know what worry means really. She’s never lived alone until she was widowed. If you think of it like that it might help.
She simply can’t relate to your concerns.
On the other hand, your problems are yours, not here. She is elderly and it’s too much to expect her to take on your issues at her time of life.
Confide in friends rather than your mother.

I've just got off a 30 min call to my Mum, so understand 100% The only subject I've got her to concentrate on is when she'd like to come here for a meal for Mothers Day (I'm working a long day on Sunday). The rest of it has been all about her, talking in detail about people I don't know, oh and she mentioned the Chancellor's Statement doesn't benefit her (I gave up saying to her we're in the same boat).

I also can relate to this. I think it’s a common thing when they get older - as someone else said, their worlds get smaller and my DM just can’t relate to my life.

I think also it’s a way of not becoming stressed themselves so they try to ignore it and change the subject/over talk. My DM does this when she has had enough of what I’m saying (I presume) or just doesn’t get it.

I find her less tolerant/patient so sometimes I just give up. I try not to tell her my problems tbh as I kind of know I won’t really be supported plus I don’t want her to worry at her time of life.

The trouble is, I guess we don’t have much in common (not that we ever did) and I too find her conversation boring, so I guess I switch off at times too. She probably thinks I’m not supportive to her but I feel she over stresses about things that I wouldn’t even feel was a problem.

It sounds like your DM doesn’t want to acknowledge your problems as maybe this causes her some angst or she doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I know it’s upsetting but try not to take it too personally.

I get this. I had a conversation with my mother the other week where she criticised my personal appearance and then said We've not seen you for a while. I said bluntly, You've just told me how overweight I am. I'm aware of it, and wouldn't dream of saying that to someone. One of the reasons you haven't seen me for a while is that I always leave here feeling a bit shit about myself, thanks to you. You do it every visit. Is it absolutely necessary?

She was really taken aback and actually said, No. I don't suppose so and I just changed the subject. I don't imagine she'll change - but I felt better for having said it.

To be honest I really don’t talk about my problems with her. I mask an awful lot, but there are times (when an enquiry is made) that I do.
“Have you heard anything from the solicitor?” for example.

I’ve body swerved it a lot, but then feel as though I’m not letting her in (which she also hates) and it does mean that frankly, our convos are otherwise very one dimensional. We share little common ground at the best of times.

Her favourite dating by the way is “You know we’re here to supper you” [but can’t be bothered to actually listen to you!]

I’m sorry to hear you have the same issue. It’s painful isn’t it? Quite a lonely sort of place to occupy.

TBH, her age may well have exacerbated it, but it’s a characteristic she has always displayed.

I just so wish I had everyday, mundane problems and then could deal with her manner easier. Actually must of the time I do cope with it.

But today, feeling under a lot of stress (and having just paid yet another legal bill that seems to have got me nowhere) I just couldn’t.

Thanks for your reply.

Your words are wise. Thanks for replying.