Drunken mistake

[Abcdefu2]

At the weekend whilst drunk, I told a friend/ neighbour about the tricky start to my relationship with my now husband. I was in my late teens when we met and was just out of a violent relationship. I also suffered emotional abuse by one of my parents throughout my childhood so safe to say I was pretty messed up at this point.

When DH and I became a couple, it was a long distance relationship and I basically carried on acting like I was single. I treated him so badly at this time because I genuinely never believed anyone truly cared about me. I suppose I was self destructing.

A few months into the relationship, I realised how stupid I was being and that in fact, this person was the first person who had shown me that they really cared. I sorted my life out at this point.

I’ve since told DH everything and he forgave me so it’s not a secret as such, but I told my friend everything when I had too much to drink. She’s also a friend of DH’s and I feel like I’ve somehow betrayed DH all over again.

Bump.

I don't think this is a betrayal - as you've said, it wasn't a secret. Would you feel better if you told your DH about the conversation - not making a big thing of it, just saying you feel bad because you drunkenly over-shared.

Thanks for replying. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t tell anyone but I’m obviously human and it’s hard to keep these things shut away 100% of the time.

I think bringing it up would make DH unhappy. I don’t know whether to bring it up so he can potentially be upset with me or whether to say nothing, but would that be deceitful?

I don't understand why you feel you've betrayed your DH IF you told your friend you behaved badly, but you DH forgave you. I can see where it would be a betrayal if you were bragging about your behaviour & what you'd 'got away' with.

I just feel like I’ve overstated and I know DH probably wouldn’t want me to do so.

*overshared

@Abcdefu2

I just feel like I’ve overstated and I know DH probably wouldn’t want me to do so.

To a certain extent, it’s your story to share or not share, so why do you think he gets a say?

I suppose if you were cheating on him and he forgave you, he maybe has the right not to be subjected to other people having opinions on whether he should have done that.

But generally - this is your story.

I’d stop drinking though.

I get what you’re saying. That it’s my story to tell. Half of me feels that way but the other half of me just feels guilty to DH that someone living on our street knows all this and he doesn’t know they know.

Maybe I’m being dramatic. I’m not sure. This all happened about 13 years ago so it’s all long in the past now.

I’d be very grateful for any more replies/perspectives on this. It’s really eating away at me.

I think I would tell him. Try to keep it as light as possible without minimising how sorry you are. Don't go on about how it's eating YOU up, say you're sorry you feel like you've let HIM down.
Something like "I'm really sorry but I did overshare a bit with x the other day when I was a bit drunk. I told her about how we got together, what a mess my life was then & that I treated you badly. I know you don't like talking about it & I feel that I've really let you down by oversharing. I'm very sorry my love & I'll never do anything like that again."

Look you told your neighbour something your husband already knows. There’s no requirement for you to tell him you’ve told her. Take care

Have you spoken to anyone on a professional level about what happened to you in the past? It could be that you find talking about it cathartic but only have the courage when drunk. You need to stop beating yourself up about a drunken conversation but it might help to address how you feel to be able to move forward. Your neighbour will most likely let it in one ear and out of the other I wouldn’t worry don’t let it eat away at you.

The problem is not you but the friend as they are now armed with private information which could be used against you.

If they are a decent person they won’t pay any heed to what you’ve said whilst drunk.

If they are a gossip they could tell others and embellish it or others embellish it as the gossip spreads.

If they are malicious they could twist things and be spiteful towards you and your partner.

I would start damage control by asking the friend what you were waffling on about as you remember bits and feel embarrassed as it was a load of cobblers. Minimise what you told them.

@LaraDeSalle the friend told me things in confidence also. For this reason, I’d be really surprised if any of this was ever used against me. She’s always been trustworthy in the past also.

Ok - not me but a friend of mine - actually ex-girlfriend of my DB's when they were in late teens/20s - she had a very rough childhood and not much parenting.

When she got together with her now DH she was a bit similar to you, had been hurt by my DB and she also was a bit nasty to her DH until after about a year she calmed down, got more mature and was far less selfish. I recall speaking to her a few years ago (in 2019) and she said that not many people know about her past - apart from her DSis who she's now estranged from. But e.g. her stepdaughter knows a bit, as she's done similar to you, when drunk has admitted stuff which her DH knows or part knows.

Her stepdaughter was great and said 'just tell DH' so that's what my friend did, just sat him down one evening and laid her cards on the table. He said he completely understood and they actually arranged for her to get long needed counselling which helped brilliantly. He was great in that he didn't ask about her counselling but he also encouraged her to do a hobby she'd long wanted to do and after the counselling he told her he could see she'd changed for the better.

Could you do that? Honest conversation and therapy if needed?

[quote Abcdefu2]@LaraDeSalle the friend told me things in confidence also. For this reason, I’d be really surprised if any of this was ever used against me. She’s always been trustworthy in the past also.[/quote]
@Abcdefu2 - most decent people who are your friends won't say things about you. If they do, then let them. But if you and she have shared things in confidence then just trust in each other that this won't be betrayed.

Maybe even go shopping/for a coffee/spend some time with her to show your appreciation for her friendship.

@Gonnagetgoing thanks so much for your reply.

I have actually done all of this. I have done counselling and opened up to DH and told him everything.

I suppose I just feel guilty for confiding in someone else about mine & dh’s private lives. It’s just sometimes tricky to keep such big mistakes buried away completely. The mistakes I’ve made have hugely defined the person I am now as I am able to show compassion to others who have maybe not always made the best life choices.

[quote Abcdefu2]@LaraDeSalle the friend told me things in confidence also. For this reason, I’d be really surprised if any of this was ever used against me. She’s always been trustworthy in the past also.[/quote]
It sounds like she is a good friend to you, I think your just embarrassed after getting drunk and sharing something that you feel should be private. But if you trust her, then that's part of friendships, telling them things you wouldn't tell others.

You could always call her and say that whilst DH knows everything, you would prefer it if she didn't bring it up in front of him as you don't want to bring up negative feelings for him?

It sounds like you suffer from anxiety. Honestly this is just anxiety talking its really a non issue. Stop worrying nothing will come of it.
And there is nothing to tell your husband just get on with your life.

It’s your behaviour you talked about not his. I think this is fine but I know what you mean I hate accidentally sharing too much.

Is the guilt in that it’s nothing you would have shared when sober?

I have had a similar backstory to yours and used to get very annoyed with myself if I shared information whilst drunk or if by circumstance people found something out.

I realised it was because I was embarrassed by what happened even though it was out of my control. I’m much more open with it now as by hiding it I feel I’m giving my past undue power over my future and I refuse to do that.

[quote Abcdefu2]@Gonnagetgoing thanks so much for your reply.

I have actually done all of this. I have done counselling and opened up to DH and told him everything.

I suppose I just feel guilty for confiding in someone else about mine & dh’s private lives. It’s just sometimes tricky to keep such big mistakes buried away completely. The mistakes I’ve made have hugely defined the person I am now as I am able to show compassion to others who have maybe not always made the best life choices.[/quote]
@Abcdefu2 - that's great.

Honestly I would not feel guilty at all about opening up and confiding to someone else about your and DH's private lives. I think good friends can do this and as long as you and she realise it's not to go further, no judgment etc then why not share?

My friend I think was very much the same, she'd had some friends betray her in the past if she did confide so she kept her cards close to her chest and confided mostly in her stepdaughter.

Be kinder to yourself!