Help me deal with Know It All friend

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I have a friend who I have known for years, lived together when younger at Uni and stayed in touch. She was very difficult to live with, fell out with me a lot, then has fallen out with many people over the years including close friends, also had various tribunals.

She can be so much fun, which is why we have stayed friends - we can have such a laugh - but over the last couple of years I have found hanging out with her to be so incredibly draining and I am not sure what to do about the friendship. She knows best about everything, even areas I actually work in. If you voice an opinion, she jumps in to tell you why you're wrong. She will make sarcastic cutting comments which aren't particularly pleasant. I also worry she might be bad mouthing me given what she says about others. It is knackering. I have found myself biting back a bit lately to challenge her but that just makes me anxious. A lot of the time things tend to centre around her as well - her dramas, fallouts etc. She doesn't tend to ask after me or my DCs (she does not have DCs) over and above a brief comment. I do not come away from hanging out with her with very high self-esteem.

I am trying to be self aware - is it a me problem? But I just don't think it is given her history. I do want to stay friends, we have a long history. How do I handle this? Keep her at arm's length? We live quite far apart at the moment. Have you had a situation like this?

bump

I manage someone who Knows Everything. It's quite difficult to explain how condescending it is, as this is deeply uncomfortable for Know It Alls to hear! They are more likely to say well what do you want me to say instead. If you want to keep up the friendship I would maybe go with being direct and unequivocal i.e. you rarely ask me anything about me.

I think its quite difficult if friends have children and you don't, as it can be hard to imagine what the friends with children daily lives look like if you don't see them often. Do you share updates? I don't have children but love hearing what friends kids did or seeing a photo and playing with them on a meetup.

Do you mean employment tribunals?

I have one experience with a friend who fell out with lots of people. I started to distance myself...then she started to criticise me as a response. Then she fell out with a long term employer over something very silly. It was a very niche specialism so word got out and she's not found work since.

She had been through an awful lot of personal trauma but even before that, her husband had some issues with her trying to start rows in public places.

We have sort of naturally grown apart because she moved away. But I am not interested in meeting with her again if she suggested it, because conversation is hard.

You could talk to her about it? Always worth a try for a friend you value?

Oh also don't agonise over it. Your DC are your priority and if you need to step back from her just do it. Life is too short and friendships sometimes wane, some come back to life, tis life.

Why do you need her as a friend?

You have given a long list of reasons why you don't like her, but the only thing that she has got going is that she can be fun.

Do you ever come away feeling better about yourself when you are with her? Good friendships are meant to lift each other up, not drain you. She sounds very self centred to be honest, but you are probably the only person propping her up.

How do you feel with friends who don't do the things she does?

Tell her! Bluntly! I used to be very competitive in conversations, everything someone said, I argued with or tried to top. That was how I was brought up to think conversations were. If you “win” the conversation everyone likes and respects you, right?🤦‍♀️

Then one day a colleague I didn’t know well replied “You know, you always have to top everything. And sometimes you make people feel like complete shit.”

I was 😱😱😱😱😱😱 and never did it again (I hope). Not to a friend anyway 😬

Tell her!

You're her supporting act. A bit player. You get to take part in her big scenes but the drama is all about her.

Fuck it

I wrote quite along post but deleted it accidentally, you don't need her. I've had similar experience, I just stopped contacting her

I second what the pp said- tell her. If she doesn't like it then so be it. You have nothing to lose. You're not sure the friendship is serving you anyway.

Give her a chance to change and if she doesn't well there you go - it's over anyway.

I'd do it on the phone. Call her for a general chit chat. Wait for her to say something that triggers you and then go in. Make sure you say something like - we go back a long way and I love you, but I've just reached a point where I have to say something now. See how she responds and then balls in her court.

Might not be the most pleasant of phone conversations but at least you haven't ghosted her!

Thank you this is some really helpful advice.

Dump her.

@LaraDeSalle thanks that has made my day ]grin]

?!

@Thewindwhispers wow that's a helpful perspective!

She will make sarcastic cutting comments which aren't particularly pleasant. I also worry she might be bad mouthing me given what she says about others. It is knackering. I have found myself biting back a bit lately to challenge her but that just makes me anxious. A lot of the time things tend to centre around her as well - her dramas, fallouts etc. She doesn't tend to ask after me or my DCs (she does not have DCs) over and above a brief comment. I do not come away from hanging out with her with very high self-esteem.

She isn't very nice and she doesn't make you feel good about yourself. In fact, she makes you feel worse.

Nothing else matters. That means you shouldn't be friends with her.

She's one of those people who sees life as a movie in which she's a main character and everyone else only exists in relation to her, not as their own complete person.

She's a prick, mate. Life's too short to be friends with pricks.

@youvegottenminuteslynn