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Original poster

How to make peace with your life when it didn’t turn out as expected

23 replies

Changeafter40 · 22/03/2022 07:23

Just that really. Have been up all night ruminating about a big decision. Without drip feeding but not wanting to out, have gone through a lot in the past five years. Now have a chance to move on - but ending will not be how I thought it was.

I guess question is when you feel wronged, how do you hold head high and walk away and not look back, even if on one hand you may feel you didn’t get justice.

OP posts:
Brunosaiditlookslikerain · 22/03/2022 07:27

Sorry you've had a tough time. All you've got is the future, the past is out of your control. If you want the last 5 years to lose their power to hurt you you've got to focus on yourself and building a better life. Being contented and fulfilled is the best outcome you can aim for.

Phineyj · 22/03/2022 07:31

Your post really resonated as I'm in a similar position. I don't know if it's a work thing, but my younger sister said something very wise once about such situations: "It's important to get out before you start believing their assessment of your capabilities is correct."

Original poster
Changeafter40 · 22/03/2022 07:32

Thanks both. I feel immensely sad but really don’t want the past to always overshadow my future.

OP posts:
PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 22/03/2022 07:47

when you feel wronged, how do you hold head high and walk away and not look back, even if on one hand you may feel you didn’t get justice

Your post really resonates with me.

I hold my high by doing a few things...

An element of 'fake it til you make it'. I refuse to let others see how much they've impacted me.
More importantly though, in walking away I'm taking charge of things and removing myself from their control. Their opinions and perspectives are beneath me and in walking away and building myself a new life, a fresh start, I demonstrate strength they don't have.

memberofsomebadclubs · 22/03/2022 07:54

I don't know if this is useful advice but hopefully something practical. I've been through some very difficult years myself, and one thing I did while trying to put my life back together was think about the things I'd always wished I'd done but never had. And I decided to do it (for me it was learning the piano but could be anything). Life is still extremely hard and upsetting, but at the very least, I'm now doing this one thing I've always wanted to do, and that actually feels enormously good, and brings me a lot of joy. I'm sorry if this sounds trite compared to what you're going through, but I just wanted to share something that's really helped me.

2DogsOnMySofa · 22/03/2022 07:56

I know it sounds really corny, but being thankful for the things you can be thankful for is always a good way to look at things.

Holding your head high is about being the bigger person, the moral high ground. They've wronged you, but that's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on what an awful person they are!

DameCelia · 22/03/2022 07:57

I was in your position a couple of years ago. The thing that got me through was reminding myself never to look back because that wasn't the direction I was going in.
I acknowledged the past but only really thought about the future.
Good luck

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 22/03/2022 08:03

You have to try and let and go of that 'wronged' feeling, and I promise I know exactly how bloody hard that is as I'm in a similar boat and it still comes up and bites my arse on occasion.

You can't change the past, you can't control other people and you can't control fate...so focus on what you can control.

@memberofsomebadclubs makes a really good point about finding something you love. I write in my spare time and it often gets shelved as I think there are 'more important' (i.e. mundane/challenging) things to do. But actually making time to write helps me cope with the other stuff much better.

Also, whilst it's good to plan for the future, look back at the positive experiences and achievements in your past. It can make your future plans seem less overwhelming.

Accept that moving on might not be at the pace you wanted, but congratulate yourself for every small step.

Good luck...you got this Flowers

MissyB1 · 22/03/2022 08:12

It’s a difficult one. My life was going swimmingly until 5 years ago, since then some really serious health problems have happened to Dh and I. It’s affected our work/ home life/ future plans.
We’ve had to let go of the future we thought we would have. It’s hard not to feel bitter and resentful.
I try to look for the positives and be grateful for small things. It’s not always easy though.

Original poster
Changeafter40 · 22/03/2022 09:29

Thanks all - some great advice. Nail on the head is trying to get rid of that wronged feeling.

Essentially I need to be able to walk away, stick two fingers up and not look back. The not looking back and wondering what could have been will be the hardest.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 22/03/2022 09:32

You say not looking back and wondering what could have been is the hardest but that is like saying the future don’t Ed not have better things in store for you?

Why doesn’t it? Why can’t you create that plan? Be ambitious

Also forgiveness is the best form of self interest and resentment is like drinking your own poison

Being happy and creating a better you is the best way forward

pippinsleftleg · 22/03/2022 09:36

accepting you can’t control how others think feel and behave helps - as long as you know you have done your best, whatever the situation and outcome, you can walk away with your head held high

novacancy3 · 22/03/2022 09:41

For me walking away was the easier bit. I could walk away from the situation and the individuals, but I couldn't walk away from my own feelings.

Working through the wronged feelings took time. About 2 years in my case. It felt similar to a grieving process.

BeanAnTae · 22/03/2022 09:55

Flowers OP for whatever you are going through. I've had to deal something like this related to family - it's very hard and like a grieving process. This is not where I thought I'd end up.

"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are in"

“I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now.” - Edna Mode

“Letting go is hard but being free is beautiful.”

I wish you the very best and remember that you are not alone.

BeanAnTae · 22/03/2022 09:58

Another favourite is “Let Go or Be Dragged.”

Vampirethriller · 22/03/2022 10:05

I was an addict and homeless for a long time after being forced into prostitution. I got out, but never got justice for what was done to me by the first pimp.
The way I see it now, is that I won. He lost, because I got away. I won freedom and peace and I've got my daughter, my dog, a little flat, and I'm clean and sober.
It took me a few years to see it like that but I used to tell myself how much better life was, how much I had to be grateful for, every day.
It is very hard but it is possible, like someone up thread said, Fake it till you make it.
And I refuse to be what he wanted me to be. I'm everything he took away from me now. Even though he never had any legal repercussions, I still won. You'll get there Flowers

52andblue · 22/03/2022 10:16

I clicked on this thread as I am also struggling with how to 'let go' & move on (in ALL areas of my life, it's a perfect storm atm).

There has been some good advice already. I would only add not to try to make yourself 'forgive' to a timescale. Becoming at peace with things will happen naturally in time if you allow it to. Meantime, focus on yourself - things that bring you quiet joy or satisfaction.

@Vampirethriller _ I hope you don't mind me saying but you're an extraordinary person to have overcome that. Your Dd is lucky to have you.

Jonny1265 · 22/03/2022 10:27

I'm a big fan of ritual( must be the Catholic in me😂). When I've been in similar positions, which has been a few times🙄, I've utilised some form of ritual to help me lay to rest any feelings of resentment and plant the seeds of a better future. The most simple of these has been writing my negative emotions down on paper and burning it and then planting and nurturing a plant to signify new growth. A bit hippie I guess but it works for me.

Vampirethriller · 22/03/2022 11:03

@52andblue thank you very much!

Mysticguru · 22/03/2022 12:28

Don't judge yourself by the past, it was a lesson not a life sentence!!

hamstersarse · 22/03/2022 12:36

The serendipity prayer sums up how you move on:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

riverpebbles · 22/03/2022 12:41

One thing that helped me come to terms with chronic illness/disability was realising that I would never assume another person in my position was worth less or not capable of having a good life. So if you can think to yourself, 'I wouldn't judge anyone else for being divorced/changing career/stopping work to look after a parent/having a disability, etc, why would I judge myself? I would think that they can still have a good life, so I must be able to.'

colouringindoors · 22/03/2022 13:18

Sympathies OP, it's hard to make peace with the past and accept a future that's very different from the one you expected.

I think self compassion is really important. I think pp suggestion of taking on something you've always wanted to do is excellent. If nothing else, try some new things - people, places, activities and see what takes you.

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