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Original poster

Awake and sad

16 replies

Donut1211109 · 22/03/2022 05:24

I'm supporting my partner through a particularly hard time. It's a relationship only 18 months in. His mental health is on the floor. He's started therapy 2 weeks ago. He's got loads of big events happening in one go and he can't cope.

Some of his behaviours I understand are due to the pain he's in physically and emotionally. But it's all weighing down on me now and I just need to talk it through. I know he appreciates me. He talks to his therapist about me. He also tells people he speaks with on the phone how much I've helped. But there's just certain things this last few days I can't handle. Because his depressions getting a stronger hold of him. We are "bored" when I visit. This weekend he wanted me there but he was either staring at Facebook or something. He can't walk due to pain. He has no appetite so we didn't cook..I ordered myself takeaway and survived on toast.

He has a hatred for phones and is complaining about it constantly going off yet he's waking up in the night scrolling through his news feed.

He's falling asleep really early (by 7pm) sex is not a thing now due to pain and tablets.

He's communicating with another woman from his childhood that he's not seen for 30years but he's connected with her as she is a struggler like him. He's liking everything she posts on Facebook whilst I'm lucky if he likes what I post.

He's leaning on me alot for money and forms and calls. He does pay me back. But it's like he always wants something. Yet I get no attention really because he's too allover

He is scared of loosing me and I know he usually is good in relationships in regards to effort and enjoying life he's just in pain and unable to work.

I can feel myself going downhill. I'm due to go over there today and I feel like I want to say to him I'm feeling completely rubbish. I do everything I can to help you and it feels like you are more interested in some woman on Facebook than me. I can't see the point in coming around just to sit in your house awkwardly.

But I know it's unfair. I don't know what to do but I just feel defeated. Please help me balance supporting him with my own health.

OP posts:

LaraDeSalle · 22/03/2022 05:39

If you feel you are being pulled down then it’s time to put yourself first. You’ve already invested 18 months of your life, this could go on for years or even forever. That’s no life for you.

I’d end it, take some time to get over the relationship and build yourself up and then look to meet someone else who doesn’t have an albatross around his neck.

Original poster

Donut1211109 · 22/03/2022 05:46

It Just feels like the worst time to pull away because he has a history of suicide attempts. He's stuck without Me he's got no family. I feel so heavily responsible for him.

OP posts:

CrumpetStrumpet · 22/03/2022 05:47

All this after 18 months?😳

This man is dragging you down. It sounds like he is happy to use you as a free counsellor, nurse and companion. He is also showing you serious disrespect regarding the Facebook woman.

You don't have to go over and sit in his house being bored if you don't want to. Why can't you just message him and tell him you're having a day off to recharge? If he genuinely loves you then that shouldn't be am issue.

You should not be lying in bed feeling like this at any point in a relationship, let alone one so new and fresh. You deserve more op. People can have mental and physical health issues and also be dickheads.

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Relationship problems

CrumpetStrumpet · 22/03/2022 05:48

You are not responsible for him. Women are not rehab centres for men.

Why does he have no one else? Does he have no friends?

sweetbellyhigh · 22/03/2022 05:57

This is no sort of way to live for either of you.

He needs to take responsibility for his well-being and you need to prioritise your well-being.

And even if he's unwell, his behaviour is appalling. Don't enable this crap.

OvOvO · 22/03/2022 06:01

Stuff that for a game of soldiers. Bin him off - seriously ick inducing.

AchillesPoirot · 22/03/2022 06:08

That sounds really tough for him.

But. He’s an adult and you are not responsible for him.

You need to prioritise your own health and mental well being.

SandysMam · 22/03/2022 06:14

It is good he has this female friend, it means he has someone to talk to when you ditch him. Seriously though, it would be different if he had become like this after 20 good years together but the relationship is so new. Ditch him and enjoy life!

AlternativePerspective · 22/03/2022 06:15

He’s responsible for himself. And as harsh as it sounds, you can’t stay because of his apparent numerous suicide attempts, assuming they’re even true. Sorry to sound cynical but the script that someone would be suicidal if their partner left is all too common, and is often used as a tactic to keep them in a relationship.

While feeling ill and struggling because of that is understandable, he has no right to treat you the way he is. I have a serious illness and I’ve struggled at times. My sex drive for instance is completely non existent, and I know it frustrates my partner. But we communicate about things, being ill doesn’t mean one person calls the shots and the other one has to put up with being treated like crap in the name of the other’s suffering.

You need to look after yourself. End it now, and tell him why.

Original poster

Donut1211109 · 22/03/2022 06:17

That's it. I know he can't help it and for what it's worth he's fighting for better times. It's just he's unable to to give me what I deserve I guess right now. Its been 6 months of stress roughly and things got worse last week. I knew him before all this so I know how far he's tumbled.

I've just messaged him and told him I'm feeling abit rubbish at the moment as we are feeling bored in eachothers company and I worry that he's chatting to Facebook lady as they have more in common. I told him that makes me feel insecure and that's playing on my mind. See what he says. I feel childish really but its something I've noticed and it's affecting me.

OP posts:

HTruffle · 22/03/2022 06:21

I’d lay it all out for him and say he’s to put a stop to the phone use at least when you are there. See whether he can make some small habit changes for the better and then you might have a better idea of whether you can see if he’s capable of making some effort to help himself.

Spitspatspot · 22/03/2022 06:24

This is really tough, OP, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling
Is his pain caused by something temporary? Is he taking respond for himself in terms of getting help for his injury (if that’s what it is), and for his mental health issues?
As someone who has lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life, I say with conviction that you absolutely can - and should - voice your feelings. He will not have realised the effect this is having on you. Telling him how you feel might be what he needs to hear to spark a change. I know you can’t control it but him being in contact with someone similar on FB will not help him as it’s likely to just reinforce the negativity he is feeling.
It’s a lot to deal with 18 months in x

Mindymomo · 22/03/2022 07:08

No advice from me, but so sorry you are both in this situation, it can’t be easy on you both.

EishetChayil · 22/03/2022 07:20

Oh my goodness, please leave him. You weren't put on this earth to be a support human for an unstable man you barely know.

Inkanta · 22/03/2022 07:29

I can understand how you feel and don't want to go over and sit in his house like this. How attached is he to this woman on facebook. Was she a first love from school or something. You listen to your gut OP and take care of yourself first and foremost.

Holothane · 22/03/2022 07:52

Hugs lots of them I’m worn out now due to my marriage his mental health lack of sex (his part) especially earlier years (now not interested me that is)issues grumpiness weed, goes through one church after another. Always right, to be honest if I’d known then then what I know now I wouldn’t have married him. Please think about this very seriously your whole life is at stake.

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