Feel like I need to creep around in my own flat

[jellyjellyjellyjelly]

Our downstairs neighbours are lovely - we aren't close, but always say hi and make a bit of small talk. They've never said anything about the noise levels proactively - I've asked a few times and they've said things like "oh we can barely hear anything," "I'm sure we're much worse," or "the banging door was quite bad but we can't hear it since you got it fixed."

In spite of this, I live in a constant state of paranoia that we are too loud and that they secretly hate us. Reading mumsnet probably isn't very helpful in this respect, but still, they must hear quite a bit given how old the building is, and based on previous conversations.

We don't play loud music, host parties, or do jumping exercises, but I've become paranoid about doing "normal" activities as well. It doesn't help that I have a slightly antisocial work schedule. If I get home late or have an alarm go off early, I am wracked with guilt the next morning, and dread seeing them because if it. Having friends over for dinner practically feels criminal - although of course the neighbours in question have never even said anything! I'm quite a noisy and chaotic person however hard I try not to be, and I'm probably annoying them in some way or other.

I know I should probably just get on with my life, but I feel so inconsiderate doing anything that's not ultra-quiet. Anyone else? What do we do?

I think you need to relax about it! Your neighbours said they hardly hear you so just get on with normal activities and stop creeping around your house. You sound very considerate but it's gone a bit too far - relax and enjoy your home!

I could hear my neighbours on both sides when I lived in a terrace and I have neighbours downstairs now in my flat. I can hear them going about their lives, coughing, chatting on the landing. I can hear my grandchildren from the moment they get out of the car, shrieking all the way up the stairs until they burst through the door.
It's all fine, I don't mind knowing that people live around me and nearby. Why do you think it's so awful for your neighbours to know you are alive upstairs? If people want to live in complete silence they wouldn't choose a flat.

This is why I love living in a detached house! I've had a mortgage for over 30 years and I've finally moved into a house that I don't have to worry about how much noise I make. I am exactly like you op, I've had wonderful neighbours, but if they ever commented on my noise, even if joking I'd stress about it for weeks and change my behaviour. I've nothing useful to add as I never really got over it myself.

You're being paranoid

It's normal in flats and terraces to hear your neighbours - as long as the noise isn't antisocial I really wouldn't worry about it.

In my opinion there’s a huge difference between the sounds of people living their lives, and antisocial noise. I don’t mind the former at all. My neighbours often apologise to me for making noise but I honestly rarely hear anything. I think you can relax!

If it’s any consolation I feel the same and I’m ‘just’ in a semi detached… combination of anxiety, being brought up as a people pleaser (thanks mum ) and reading too many MN posts about this stuff.

But what are the below neighbours doing whilst you tiptoe - sitting in silence listening????
No they are moving around, banging the odd door, probably have tv or radio playing, clattering plates, chatting......... They will be in different rooms, at different times. Really you need to stop worrying.

Don't worry about it! You are doing normal things in a normal way and you have the right to enjoy your life. I've lived in flats for nearly 10 years and some adjoining noise is to be expected. Just as long as you aren't playing your drum kit with death metal backing track, you should be good

Stop worrying about it.

Anyone in a flat can here the people above them. Just keep it down at night-time (no washing machines going etc), but during the day just live your life.

You have to take your neighbours' word for it, and stop creeping around! We can hear next door in our terrace, their baby often cries, but we wouldn't dream of mentioning it! They often apologise for her crying, we often apologise for our dog barking, and we all pretend to each other that we can't hear the things everyone is apologising for. Because we know we can hear it, but that's what you get in a Victorian terrace, and unless they start blasting music out overnight I'm not going to be a dick about their day-to-day noise.

Most people share boundaries with someone else and hear normal everyday noise all the time. Your neighbours have said they aren't bothered by it. The only time it gets annoying is when it's anti-social.

But you know this and yet you seem overly anxious. A 'constant level of paranoia' is excessive. You know rationally that they don't mind normal noise but your anxiety is getting the better of you. Maybe you need to get to the bottom of your fears with some therapy?

I wouldn't worry about it. I can hear my neighbours most days but it's just normal life noises so it doesn't bother me. Their dog barks when someone knocks on the door, I can hear muffled voices if they have people round, I can hear the odd door accidentally closing a bit too hard, they play music when they cook dinner. I'm sure they hear similar from our house. Neither of us have ever complained to each other and I can say with certainty that I've never been bothered by the noise. They don't have an antisocial bone in their body and that tends to be the key difference.

I agree with a PP, I think this is something you should seek treatment for - this is not a normal way of living or thinking.