Parenting - Boarding Schools

[AllyKaneT]

Hi All - I have a burning question I would like your help with. In light of what we have seen happening in Ampleforth College and Windermere School, why is there so much censorship around boarding schools?

In particular, people calling out the negative impact they have on children. And why is there such a reluctance to give the children in these institutions a voice?

why is there so much censorship around boarding schools?
I don't think there is.

people calling out the negative impact they have on children
Because for a lot of children this is true - though sometimes boarding school is the best option

And why is there such a reluctance to give the children in these institutions a voice?
Is there?

I don’t think there is ‘censorship’, there are plenty of people, in real life and the press, willing to say you’re ruining your child’s life if they board.

Children have plenty of ‘voice’ in modern boarding schools, there’l should be no place for schools who don’t listen to their students.

I think there is, when you look at the bullying, suicides etc. that have been reported you would think there would be a wider and more complete investigation, commentary online is heavily restricted, multiple comments have been deleted from the Daily Mail article covering Ampleforth?

Homesickness and abandonment are normalised in these places when in reality this is emotional abuse. There is a refusal to talk about this from all quarters, parents, the schools, child protection services.

The fact that these abuse are still happening would suggest these children don't have a voice.

I have myself suggested children in these institutions be appointed an independent liaison officer, I have seen other people suggest it too and we are either attacked by parents or the posts are censored by the website host.

Seems to me if the parents really loved their child and valued their mental health they would have no issue giving them a voice and having that voice heard.

@VariationsonaTheme

I don't agree they have plenty a voice I mean some boarding schools still enforce a "No Contact" policy for a number of weeks to break the bond between the parent and child and stop the child complaining of homesickness. Children are generally banned from social media and many boarding school websites advise parents not to contact their child daily, they claim it makes homesickness worse. Accepting and normalizing homesickness, abandonment, bullying etc. is cause for grave concern but the children are silenced by limiting contact, filling up their day to distract them and a conscious disregard for their feelings. That doesn't seem like much of a voice to me?

What is so wrong with an independent child liaison officer that would interview each child once in each term?

[quote AllyKaneT]@VariationsonaTheme

I don't agree they have plenty a voice I mean some boarding schools still enforce a "No Contact" policy for a number of weeks to break the bond between the parent and child and stop the child complaining of homesickness. Children are generally banned from social media and many boarding school websites advise parents not to contact their child daily, they claim it makes homesickness worse. Accepting and normalizing homesickness, abandonment, bullying etc. is cause for grave concern but the children are silenced by limiting contact, filling up their day to distract them and a conscious disregard for their feelings. That doesn't seem like much of a voice to me?

What is so wrong with an independent child liaison officer that would interview each child once in each term?[/quote]
That’s some boarding schools, not all, and those that have moved with the times do have independent visitors and telephone lines that the students can contact at any time. I don’t know any schools that have a no contact policy and they would almost certainly fail any safeguarding inspection with such a policy. I’m not saying all boarding schools are suddenly perfect but there has been a massive shift in the last few years.

To clarify, I mean they have a no contact policy for an inital number of weeks - to break the bond with the parents.

Below is a link to independent boarding school advice website, you can see here they outline that many boarding schools have no contact for the first few weeks, an extract and link is below. I have seen it on a number of boarding school websites too.

"Try not to contact your child too often during their first few weeks. Some boarding schools do not allow phone calls to and from home in the first few weeks, but even if the one your child attends does, try to resist the temptation to do this too often."

You can also see the additional advice they give to parents, drop the children off quickly, don't call the child daily and don't give in to a child crying with homesickness and sadness. Pretty horrific really and worse that we as a society allow it. It is emotional abuse and it definitely doesn't support the view that these children have a voice that is listened too.

I just don't see why people don't champion the need for an independent state managed child liaison officer, somebody that would interview the child independent of parental and school influence. I do not understand why the suggestion of such a representative seems to anger parents or warrant censorship? Why are parents and the media so against putting a child's voice and wellbeing first when it comes to Boarding schools?

www.independenteducationconsultants.co.uk/tips-for-supporting-your-homesick-child-at-boarding-school/

What's your beef OP? Did you go to a boarding school? Or do you work in one? Or what?

I worked in one and was horrified. I was also party
of a research group on boarding school syndrome. I felt so so sorry for the poor children, some of them begging to go home or complaining about bullying and their parents ignored them. They went all out to normalize the isolation, home sickness and abandonment. In my own personal opinion that is emotional abuse.

I just think if the children had a direct independent state representative, if they were monitored and their voices heard there would be no issues, if the children were genuinely safe and happy then fine but for the ones that aren't they could be saved. The media, the schools and the parents seem to have a real issue with this. If you raise it your comments are deleted or blocked. I also seen a lot of comment on other media outlets advocating for the same over the weekend on the back of the Ampleforth investigation and they were blocked or deleted. I would just like to know why this is and why people accept it?

Do you not think it's very sinister, ask to give a child a voice and you are censored ?

I have some discomfort with the idea of boarding schools, so I don't use one. I am not naive enough to think they aren't the best option some dc have, though. The reality is that, in our country, we accept a wide range of parenting decisions providing they do not cross a (very low) bar. I am certain all boarding schools are preferable environments to some of the homes I see dc living in without meeting the bar for the dc being removed.

I think your focus on an "independent officer" is rather odd. Do you think unhappy teens would open up to an official they saw once a term? And what would happen if they did, and said they were unhappy? Ofsted already listen to young people's voices in assessing schools.

Yes I take your point in terms of the standard of dc homes vs boarding school but I still believe in an independent state officer appointed to each child. Desperate children would open up. I mean the two children who took their own lives in Windermere School, one complained of horrendous bullying and the other their plan. I would expect in that instance the independent office remove them from the site immediately. Let's face it, Boarding school aren't cheap and if the parents can afford them surely they can fund a child minder, a day school or some kind of alternative to meet the child's needs and satisfy their own.

**Also mumsnet seem to delete the posts when you reference examples but the instance I list above has been widely reported and both inquest published accross the wider media. Denying cases like this happened only makes it easier for them to be repeated.

I work with children in care and my experience is that dc do not open up to people they do not have a relationship with.

You clearly have an agenda you wish to pursue and perhaps whip up in public discourse.

Why have you placed the conversation in ‘Chat’?

It is good that you gave set out your bias. You aren't here to understand why merely to stand on your platform.

Whilst I never went to boarding school nor did my children it is a case of different strokes for different folks.

I went to a mixed boarding school post-13 and can honestly say that the only person who wasn’t happy there was the one day girl.

Obviously not saying that some people don’t have issues, but there’s often too broad a brush used to paint the whole concept of boarding.

I actually found the comprehensive school I started at for a year 7 far more traumatic due to bullying/gangs/fighting/intelligence being mocked and lower sets being “cool”.

@TottersBlankly I am sorry you feel like that, I don't have any agenda I was just genuinely looking for input on why children are silenced in the way I listed above and why the media and these online chat forums seem to be censored, you know? I do feel what is happening to these children is horrendous and for some reason nothing is being done about it, you don't really see that anymore and I am interested in why it is allowed to happen in boarding school specifically? That was all

@Stompythedinosaur in the school I mentioned above both children did speak out. I have also been approached by children and it was a raging battle with the parents and the school to have the children's needs met. I just couldn't understand it.

@Eloise666 certainly not all children are negatively impacted by boarding school but the risk is far greater in residential institutions and my stance is why take that risk with your child in the first place. I also believe many children can appear happy but the impact can manifest in their adult life and have dreadful consequences for them.