Historic Forced Adoptions

[BastardChild]

I couldn't see this having been discussed elsewhere. I was adopted in the mid 1970s and so much of this resonates with me.

The more I reflect on my life and the conflicted emotions and pain that has come out of forced adoption in those days, for all concerned, the more angry it's making me.

Not posting for any sort of traffic, just needed to say it. Hopefully some sort of catharsis will emerge if the government do the right thing.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/mar/20/we-were-human-beings-uk-families-seek-apology-over-historic-forced-adoptions?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other

Difficult, though - in the case in that newspaper it was the birth mother's family who forced her into it really. How much is the government to blame? It wasn't impossible to be a single mum in the 70s, or even the 60s.

(NB I was adopted myself, in 1970.)

I was born and adopted in 1980. My birth mother wasn't forced, but was very strongly encouraged to give me up. Stories of forced adoptions affect me viscerally.

@Ellmau

Difficult, though - in the case in that newspaper it was the birth mother's family who forced her into it really. How much is the government to blame? It wasn't impossible to be a single mum in the 70s, or even the 60s.

(NB I was adopted myself, in 1970.)

It was never impossible, that's true. I was born in the early 1970s to unmarried teenagers. They kept me. My great grandma was an unmarried single mum in the 1920s.

My parents pretended to be married. My great grandma invented a husband and a married name.

It wasn't impossible but it was bloody hard and society was so so cruel and judgemental and it must have been horrendous. People did what they thought they had to. Particularly if they had no way to support themselves.

Many of these unfortunate girls were sent away by their families, because of the "shame" They miraculously reappeared months later and to all intents and purposes "carried on as normal"
So in many cases it wasn't really down to the government. Back in those times it was considered bringing shame on the families to be an unmarried mother, so an apology from the government is somewhat meaningless .
Nobody can truly apologise for something they had no part in and probably weren't even around when it happened

@EishetChayil

I was born and adopted in 1980. My birth mother wasn't forced, but was very strongly encouraged to give me up. Stories of forced adoptions affect me viscerally.

This is a perfect description of what it's doing to me today

Adoptees always have their experience minimised. Societal mores drove it all, the government let it happen. The child as a commodity, a transaction. Still going on today, surrogacy and overseas adoptions.

The Governments of the time did encourage adoption, as it saved them money not having to pay out any welfare benefits. The churches were more directly involved in forcing adoptions. Grandparents of young pregnant women would not have forced their daughters into adoption if the state and church had not considered it the right thing to do. It was very patriarchal with no rights for children or women.

I think the church were the driving force, it was all about shame and immorality. A family friend that I've known from childhood confessed several years ago that she'd had a baby at 16 in the late 70s. We literally had no idea (neither did her DH or grown up dc). She had sex one time, got pregnant and once her parents found out she was "sent to help a sick aunt" for four months. It was a church run home for single mothers and they treated them appallingly. Thankfully her story turned lovely in the very end and her ds is now very much part of the family (he tried to find her after his parents both died, he'd had a lovely childhood).

I saw this on Twitter today:

I wonder why Yvonne’s parents didn’t just suggest she got married?

Sorry for what you and other posters have gone through OP

My dad was adopted in the 50s and sent to the other side of the world. It’s had a profound impact on his whole life.

I was adopted in 1979, my biological parents were sent to England and I was adopted. Apparently they wanted to stay together but that wasn't good enough for the family.

My sister was adopted in 1981, her birth mother was not with the father, she was sent away for 5 months, had a baby and then was sent back home to carry on as normal.

@OP, this must be a very emotive issue, but I don't think a single person in the world thinks that putting a child up for adoption is a minor issue, let alone akin to rehoming a dog.

I was adopted in 1963.

I’ve met my birth mother. It was a big non event (for me) she supports Trump. I’m glad l was adopted into my socialist feminist family.

Unfortunately it was common in many countries, I was adopted from a home for unmarried mothers in Ireland in the 60s. I guess I have always thought of myself as very lucky, I had loving parents and a happy upbringing and am now living the kind of life in another country that I don’t think my birth mother could ever have dreamed off. So much pain and sadness though and for what, the dictates of cruel, narrow minded societies.

[quote homeedregret]@OP, this must be a very emotive issue, but I don't think a single person in the world thinks that putting a child up for adoption is a minor issue, let alone akin to rehoming a dog.[/quote]
Puppies aren't removed from their mothers until 8 weeks old in order that they are "stable", trainable and will make suitable pets.

I was removed from my mother the instant I was born and not given away to the people who adopted me until ten weeks later.

How much bonding, skin to skin time or basic human contact do you think I must have had in that time?

Damn right it's an emotive issue. All because

...once every other option has been exhausted, natural Conception, ivf and every other thing, people are told "well I suppose you could adopt".

Why not go exotic and fetch one from overseas, keep those tills rolling in adoptions agencies!

The fact is, despite what people will tell you - the adoptee is very much at the bottom of the priority list. Stolen, identity erased or changed, given to their saviours to whom they must appear eternally grateful. "Ooh weren't you LUCKY to be chosen!".

Adoptees always have their voices minimised and shouted down by everyone else, they are everyone's solution, then everyone's problem, but the only ones that never had a choice in it.

Do you know how many registered adoption counsellors (for adoptees) there are in this country? Go on, guess... do you know the stats for suicide and self harm amongst adoptees? No idea I bet, but it knocks most others into a cocked hat. Look them up. Do you know how previous identities are erased? Covered up as dirty secrets, do you know what that does to a person? Do you have any idea?

I share your anger, OP. I really do. So little heed is paid to adoptees. I have a lot of residual anger over some complete lies I found in my adoption file, implying that my birth mother was of low intelligence when she's quite the opposite.

Probably be flamed for this but I have never seen the point of the current government apologising for something an entirely different government did fifty odd years ago.

Yes it’s awful what went on. Also surrogacy is being legitimised more and more with once again the child being bottom of the pile in terms of rights.

@Auvergnewater

Probably be flamed for this but I have never seen the point of the current government apologising for something an entirely different government did fifty odd years ago.

Because having your pain, or your families historic pain over something that you had no control of, acknowledged, along with an admission that institutions got it wrong in the past can be very cathartic. It's symbolic and may help people to move on.

See other injustices such as Hillsborough for reference.

I agree that it would be helpful for the Government to apologise.

The fact is, despite what people will tell you the
adoptee is very much at the bottom of the
priority list. Stolen, identity erased or changed
given to their saviours to whom they must
appear eternally grateful. "Ooh weren't you
LUCKY to be chosen!"

Adoptees always have their voices minimised
and shouted down by everyone else, they are everyone's solution, then everyone's problem, but the only ones that never had a choice in it.

Do you know how many registered adoption
counsellors (for adoptees) there are in this
country? Go on, guess... do you know the stats for suicide and self harm amongst adoptees? No
idea I bet, but it knocks most others into a
cocked hat. Look them up. Do you know how previous identities are erased? Covered up as
dirty secrets, do you know what that does to a
person? Do you have any idea?

Not my experience at all. I was adopted at 6 weeks in 1963. I had a voice. I met my birth mother. I never felt my identity was erased

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

The fact is, despite what people will tell you the adoptee is very much at the bottom of the priority list. Stolen, identity erased or changed given to their saviours to whom they must appear eternally grateful. "Ooh weren't you LUCKY to be chosen!"

Adoptees always have their voices minimised
and shouted down by everyone else, they are everyone's solution, then everyone's problem, but the only ones that never had a choice in it.

Do you know how many registered adoption
counsellors (for adoptees) there are in this
country? Go on, guess... do you know the stats for suicide and self harm amongst adoptees? No
idea I bet, but it knocks most others into a
cocked hat. Look them up. Do you know how previous identities are erased? Covered up as
dirty secrets, do you know what that does to a
person? Do you have any idea?

Not my experience at all. I was adopted at 6 weeks in 1963. I had a voice. I met my birth mother. I never felt my identity was erased

You're one of the "lucky" ones, then?

Adoption has had no negative effects on you at all?

Have you not suffered with poor mental health, addiction issues, attachment problems?

Did your mother not end up traumatised, having to hide her secret (ie you)? Are sure that there were no negative consequences?

I was only 6 weeks old when l was adopted. I’ve never known anything but a family who loved me and wanted me.

I was different to them, different talents, but I’m really glad l didn’t end up with my birth mother.

And actually, although it's certainly easier to be a single mum now, I'm not sure attitudes have changed all that much. It's just that nowadays the young woman/girl with an unplenned pregnancy is likely to be "persuaded" into having an abortion whereas in the 60s she would have been "persuaded" into adoption. It's not a coincidence that the availability of babies for adoption went down after abortion was legalised, and stil more once it became widely accepted.

Look at all the threads on here about how to cope with a pregnant DD - a lot of advice is to encourage her to terminate, and even if she keeps the baby, not to help too much with childcare. There's a new one in trending right now, and I can remember lots of others.

I do wonder if some of the young women pushed by their mum into an abortion may end up resenting that as much as those pushed into giving up a baby for adoption in the past?