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Social services, child and dv

18 replies

Shannn · 19/03/2022 14:51

Hi, I need some help from mums who have been through social services with suspected dv can someone please help me, private message me please x

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 19/03/2022 15:02

Depends what you want to know...experiences will vary massively

Relentlessrose · 19/03/2022 15:05

Who is suspecting DV and who of? DV on child? Is there police involvement? Who reported to SS? Too many variables for anyone to give a helpful answer really.

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2022 15:06

Sorry not how this works

Kite22 · 19/03/2022 15:13

If you want actual support and advice, contact
Women's Aid
Refuge
or Gingerbread

Or people here will have a more generalised discussion.
It isn't really the done thing to ask people to start messaging you.

Shannn · 19/03/2022 15:16

I've never used mumsnet and I have no one to turn to. My child is well looked after she has everything she needs always has food, nice clothes, nice trainers she's more than loved I absolutely adore her and so does my partner. I could not love someone as much as I love her she honestly is my bestfriend. Me and my partner had a argument and the following day I had my window put through and had been hit I blamed my partner as I wanted to move and get away from everyone I didn't know what to do. after I had said all these nasty things while in shock and being so angry I realised what I had done my partner would never hurt me and he would never ever dream of hurting our child I've explained it wasn't him and he has proof of where he was and there's proof of the person who's done it social services are involved and a risk assessment is needed I don't understand what one of them is and the social worker seems to be against me please can someone who's been through something similar help me

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 19/03/2022 15:27

You need to take a breath...what you've posted is very jumbled...have you been referred to SS?....by who? Have you been allocated a SW? Are they completing an assessment? Who is the alleged victim? Who is the alleged Perpetrator ?

Theunamedcat · 19/03/2022 15:27

The social worker thinks your defending him not protecting your child

the person who actually did it needs to be arrested or whatever

you need to apologise and say you believed it was him because you had argued the day prior which is why you said it (obviously)

Go to womans aid ask about the freedom programme and engage in protective work how to protect your child create space between you and your partner so you can work on yourselves

GrazingSheep · 19/03/2022 15:29

They don’t believe you.

GrazingSheep · 19/03/2022 15:30

Who hit you ?
Why would you say if was him if it was someone else?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/03/2022 15:31

Did someone else hit you and your lied and said your partner did it?
Or did your partner hit you and you're now lying about someone else doing it?
Which is more likely to be true?

girlmom21 · 19/03/2022 15:32

So you told SS your partner hit you and smashed your window but he didn't?

So who did?

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 19/03/2022 15:33

@Shannn

I've never used mumsnet and I have no one to turn to. My child is well looked after she has everything she needs always has food, nice clothes, nice trainers she's more than loved I absolutely adore her and so does my partner. I could not love someone as much as I love her she honestly is my bestfriend. Me and my partner had a argument and the following day I had my window put through and had been hit I blamed my partner as I wanted to move and get away from everyone I didn't know what to do. after I had said all these nasty things while in shock and being so angry I realised what I had done my partner would never hurt me and he would never ever dream of hurting our child I've explained it wasn't him and he has proof of where he was and there's proof of the person who's done it social services are involved and a risk assessment is needed I don't understand what one of them is and the social worker seems to be against me please can someone who's been through something similar help me
So your partner didn’t put your window through and hit you? But you reported him (to police? Social services?) saying he had?

Why do you think the social worker is against you? A risk assessment is just that- they assess the risk to the child. I don’t doubt you love your child, however feeding and clothing your child adequately is only one part of being a good parent. If social services are under the impression your child is or could be, the victim of DV they absolutely should act upon it.

My advice (my kids and I have been the victims of DV previously) as one parent to another is don’t treat social services as the enemy. There are some proper dickheads (like in every profession) social workers, but don’t assume yours is- most of the ones I’ve met are at least ok. Even the dickheads had my kids best interests at heart. Be truthful, don’t be evasive.

Hoppinggreen · 19/03/2022 15:33

SS obviously don’t believe you and I can see why
Either you have a dangerous partner and are lying about it or you know the kind of people who will attack you and your house and you lied about it
Doesn’t look good either way, even if your child has nice trainers.
Your best option is to tell the truth whatever it is and work with SS to protect your child

Clareyck · 19/03/2022 15:33

Hi OP I work for ss. They will probably be doing a risk assessment and an assessment. What they will be looking at is your ability to keep dd safe. They will be looking at where dd was when you argued, what triggered the argument and what happened when the window was put out etc. Tbh, where I work, this as on isolated incident with nothing else unless there is a massive drip feed would probably result in no further social services action and possibly a referral to a domestic abuse charity to work on impact of arguing etc (freedom program). Try to work with the social worker, their job is to check that dd is safe.

Papayamya · 19/03/2022 15:40

They don't believe you as you haven't been honest one way or the other- either lying about him doing it or lying to say he didn't. Before anything else you have to be absolutely 100% open with them and tell the truth, your children deserve that. Hopefully no one here is going to give you advice on how to get around the system.

SpicePumpkin · 19/03/2022 15:44

SS don't get involved just because someone has an argument and a window gets smashed. You need to be more honest with SS that you've been here.

Relentlessrose · 19/03/2022 15:53

Either they think he is abusing you, but your now trying to cover it up so you can go back to him (which happens an awful lot! Minimising, backtracking, changing stories, reunions after big bust ups including police, it's really common). So you are a liar.

Or they think that you lied about him doing it because you were pissed of at him after arguing, because you really did think it was him or because you have something else dodgy you were trying to cover up (like drug dealers or loan sharks). Then you have wasted their time, police time, dragged an innocent man through the mud and blown up your family, your kids safety and security, for what?

There is no way you come out of this well. There might be a way of him proving himself (if somebody else really did do it and it can be proven) but either way you've lied and risked your child's well-being.

If I was you, I would apologise tell the absolute truth to them. The actual truth. Even if it makes you look bad. Even if it makes him look bad. Even if you're worried it might mean your parenting and judgement and mental health are bought into question. Give them the truth, and then ask them what hoops they want you to jump through. Do every course, make every change.

Honestly I think in this scenario there will probably always be question marks around your relationship, even if he is proven innocent of the window and hitting, there is the rowing and lying. It does seem like a toxic relationship, and so I wouldn't reunite with him as it may have any impact on the outcome of whether my child stays with me or not.

NoFriendsNoEnemies · 19/03/2022 15:56

My partner would never hurt me or my child is classic dv victim talk after an incident.

It seems obvious that you are in an abusive relationship but that you’ve had second thoughts about reporting your partner. Has he threatened you if you do?

The kind of person who smashes windows and hits his partner isn’t the kind of person you want around your children.

My advice would be to cooperate with social services and to get rid of your violent partner.

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