Husbands ex has messaged me WWYD

[islathepaella]

Wondering what peoples thoughts are on this? I’ve been with my husband for 11 years now, married 2. We have 2 children as well. Before we got together my husband was with somebody else for a few months, it was never serious and was more of a friends with benefits type of thing. We got together 6 months after they broke things off. She didn’t take it well as I was friends with my husband before we ended up getting together. They never seen each other again or spoke.

A while ago my husband noticed this woman had been messaging him on messenger but it was going into the request section so never seen them until last year. She had been messaging him many times including her address throughout the years until this year. Yesterday I got a message from her saying I’m a bitch and I’m with the person she should be with. She also messaged him saying “you’re married now?”

My husband has blocked her and has never replied to any of her messages. It’s quite clear looking at her Facebook profile she has issues & posting very bizarre things.

The thing what is worrying me is that she’s escalated to messaging me now and I worry if I seen her out with my children she might approach us. She does live local to us. Half of me is thinking I should just block her and not reply but what if these messages continue and we do end up bumping into her? Am I best replying so she finally has a response? Or should I just block her? Its still as a message request so she doesn't know I've seen it as I've not accepted it.

I know some husbands cheat, but it’s just as likely she is just the ‘brave behind a screen’ type OP

I have another friend who got contacted by a high school ex (we are now in 40s) when she was getting a divorce. People look to recreate the old times when they are going through something- it’s pretty common

It’s good your DC are young: she’s much less likely to ever try to speak to them!

Try not to worry too much

[quote islathepaella]@DetailMouse
Out of my husband and I, I'm the only one who's called her deranged I wish I was able to share snippets of her profile on here. My husband isn't bothered by her, surely if something was going on - he'd be insisting on me to block her and acting differently. He's only said to me I'd just ignore her.

The messages are very random. We last heard from her around a year ago when my husband discovered all the messages.

Thanks to the posters about the counselling thing. That's made me feel better and explained it well. She posted a big thing on her profile yesterday morning and then messaged us both a few hours later.

My children both are under 3 so very young which makes me anxious if we did see her.

@SexiestDogWalker that's awful so sorry that happened to you. That must have been so scary!

[/quote]
I think you've done the right thing screen shotting, blocking. She's not made a threat to you even if she's being unpleasant / name called - so try not to worry about the children and yourself being threatened in real life.

People who become obsessed and harass/stalk others don't respond to polite messages telling them to stop. If you message her back she has learned that the price of getting a response is messaging you. Basically no matter what she writes, don't respond. Screenshot it all but then block. Any future contact, do the same. In terms of any other risks - does she live near you?

@Lurking9to5

You've been together 11 years and she still thinks they should be together? That level of not letting go is scary.

I would block her.

DH's stalker (we'll call JL) appeared out of the woodwork after 15 years. They'd never seen each other after they had casually dated for a couple of months as teens.

It went from a short polite catch up when she messaged out of the blue one day via messenger to outright crazy shit within weeks. Ranting messages, her contacting our children to tell them that DH wasn't their real dad, her calling DH's work pretending to be the police and she even invented a fake teen child.

It ended in her arrest and she was found guilty of stalking in court.

Screen shot everything and block. Keep a record of everything. You have two choices, ignore completely and block or tell her once that you do not wish for her to make any contact with you, and then block, the police advised the latter as you have made yourself clear.

I agree with @DetailMouse.

Something has happened to initiate this which may or may not be linked to hubby.

Block/ignore/delete is the only way to go.

Sounds like she’s been obsessed with your DH for a long time.

I would be tempted to contact the police on the non-urgent number and ask them to have a quiet word with her reminding her that stalking is illegal now.

Ps I totally disagree with the people saying thst something happened to initiate this. That mught be true but we have nonidea if it is. Or the ex could for example have had a vivid dream about the DH and that could have set her off again.

Hmmm not that it's an excuse for her messaging years and years later, but men tend to down play friends-with-benefits situations when more often that not, the female has been dangled for a considerable amount of time and it shocked that when the man setled down , it wasn't with her!

It's always 'they dated a couple of months as teens.'

So many women are strung along for years.

@RandomBasic

It's always 'they dated a couple of months as teens.'

So many women are strung along for years.

You do realise that in some cases that is actually true? There actually are women suffering MH issues and do turn into stalkers? My DH had to ask his sister if she recognised the FB of the woman who sent him the initial "hi, long time no see, it's JL from X town! Remember me?" message. They figured out who it was, he asked me if I minded him replying back (I of course said, no problem) and I was aware of all the messages, more so when they escalated to random accusations of my infidelity (" so, are the three kids yours?......... It's just I heard that cctvrec was been cheating on you. I thought you might want to get DNA tests or something...") It turned out in court that she had a history of stalking before she landed on DH.

So no cheating DH stringing me along, thanks.

@Thewindwhispers

Ps I totally disagree with the people saying thst something happened to initiate this. That mught be true but we have nonidea if it is. Or the ex could for example have had a vivid dream about the DH and that could have set her off again.

Then that dream is the initiation. Whatever triggers it doesn’t need to be anything the OP’s husband does.

@DetailMouse

I'm sorry but I'd say DH knows a lot more than he's letting on. She hasn't been messaging for 11 years without getting anything back

If they've been going in to his message requests and never into his active conversations then she has been messaging for 11 years with no response.

Messages don't go back into your requests or spam if you've engaged in conversation.

As I've said earlier we were friends (my DH and I) before we got together so I know how long they were together. I only met her once as it was that short term. She was messaging him a lot after they broke things off and he blocked her then. He showed me the messages while we were still friends. She even resorted to contacting his friends after he blocked her. She made a new account when sending the messages through. Im pretty sure she has a few different accounts.

I don't think he's cheating, he didn't need to tell me she messaged at all last year. If it was his ex of a few years I'd be concerned but I know this was not serious at all.

Anyway thanks for the advice I've blocked her.

@cctvrec

Obviously, sometimes it is going to be true that it was a brief connection. But it's the standard line cheaters trot out: 'i barely know her'.