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Original poster

9 year old DS lonely

17 replies

ThinksALot · 18/03/2022 23:05

Help!

My 9 year old DS has broken down in tears tonight because he is lonely at school. He's been down for a while now (ever since the first lockdown in March 2020).

He's a sensitive boy with a girl only friendship group (ever since he was 3/4 years old). He finds the girls frequently fall out with each other and often cause drama in the playground but of late it seems like perhaps the gender divide is starting to come into play and the girls are off doing their own thing and he's left on his own. We've encouraged him make new friends, to join in any organised activities at lunchtime or make friends with the boys but he hates football which the boys play every lunchtime. He is quite shy and tends to sit back in social situations, so I suspect he finds this hard.

I've spoken to the teacher about it before and I've emailed them again to see if he they can encourage him to buddy up with someone. I'm absolutely heartbroken - he's such a kind and caring boy, he doesn't deserve this.

We had a friend over last weekend and the one before that but we both work full time, so playdates are difficult to fit in and are very rarely reciprocated since covid. He does activities outside of school but again, seems to hang back during these. I've just signed him up to the cubs waitlist but it's probably very long.

What more can I do? I feel helpless!

OP posts:

HRTQueen · 18/03/2022 23:48

Aww I’m sorry to read this

Ds too was like this when he was younger. I remember we went to a birthday party and he just didn’t know what to do and just stood there it was so upsetting to see. He joined a local performing arts group he wasn’t that excited about it at all but they also played games and very much got everyone to encourage. I’m not saying he changed over night (and certainly not a reformer) but it did seem to help a little.

Is there something in particular he is interested in ?

HRTQueen · 18/03/2022 23:49

He is not a performer…

Original poster

ThinksALot · 18/03/2022 23:54

Thanks for your message. He loves gymnastics, so he started at a club just before Christmas. It's mainly girls and there's a handful of boys but my son still tends to hang back. I try to make conversation with the boys' parents to see if it spurs my son into talking but it doesn't! I might need to bite the bullet and just see if one of the boys and their parent want to hang out afterwards...

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9 year olds Families

HRTQueen · 19/03/2022 00:03

Yes I would do that.

Unfortunately it was often pointed out to ds that he was shy (it’s not expected of boys) so we would have conversations about how some people like to watch and listen more before they talk

And I’m not so worried about ds now he has found his way and has friends. It will happen and he is coming up to an age their playing changes (sorry but it’s gaming next we all like to think no not our child… ) and many certainly bond over their love for a particular game

Whatinthelord · 19/03/2022 00:04

Ah this is heartbreaking. I was similar as a child but managed to always have 1-2 close friends as most points.

I would ask the school what they can do to help. Maybe
Pair him with different people for activities, or get him involved with some small group social skills type activities.

I think it’s hard, because we can’t make friends for our children, we can only do so much. I think play dates are a great idea as I imagine it is easier to build a friendship 1-2-1 than in a busy play ground.

littleblackno · 19/03/2022 00:05

My DS was the same at primary school. He had mainly female friends and was very shy and awkward in social situations. Cubs really helped, he started with beavers (a bit younger) and left at the end of scouts when he was 14 with a lovely group of friends who he is still close to now (he's 16).
He didn't really come into his own until he was at secondary school where he found his tribe as it were. So a group of boys who didn't like football! He is now a very popular year 11- who still hates football and is awkward in social situations but getting better.
I would keep speaking to the school and encouraging the after school clubs where you can.
I had to talk to my son about sometimes having to compromise, so if everyone is into football, it may help if he has a conversation about it just to be polite and then that may lead into talking about other things rather than ruling out talking to anyone because he doesn't like football- if that makes sense.

Original poster

ThinksALot · 19/03/2022 00:18

Yes, he does have a tendency to not want to compromise if someone's playing a game he doesn't want to, he says he'd rather not play at all. I explain that this then means he's on his own and maybe it's better if he just plays their game for a bit bit he doesn't seem to get it, or want to get it.

I'm going to max out the playmates this next few weeks. I might see if a friend can join us on a trip out tomorrow afternoon st short notice and I've got a day off next week so I could organise a playmates that evening.

He absolutely loves gaming; minecraft and Mario kart - might have see if there's something we can do there. Over lockdown we got pretty got at getting him to ring friends on a videocall so they could chat and play computer games together. Maybe I need to encourage him to do that more.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThinksALot · 19/03/2022 00:19

Sorry, loads of typos there!!

OP posts:

LockUpAlone · 19/03/2022 05:59

He finds the girls frequently fall out with each other and often cause drama in the playground but of late it seems like perhaps the gender divide is starting to come into play and the girls are off doing their own thing and he's left on his own.
This seems to be totally normal at this age. I've a Dd and despite all the playground spats, refused point blank to join in playing football with the boys! One year later and it has settled down a lot.

I would say the whole football situation is going to continue for a good few years. Is it your DS can't play or won't play? You might have to have a straight discussion about being able to join in. Is there a beginners football course he could do? I found one for 7-11 year olds and it was full of kids in my DS's situation, not particularly sporty, at the older end of the age group who wanted to learn the basics for social reasons. He is not a great player, still doesn't like it but has enough confidence to join in if need be.

Westfacing · 19/03/2022 06:09

I second the suggestion to attempt to foster an interest in football - or at least a willingness to join in a kick around.

It's not compulsory of course for boys to like football but it's such an opener to making friends.

Divebar2021 · 19/03/2022 06:12

What I’ve noticed in my area is there’s no casual playing outside. No one plays in the street ( fair enough) and no one calls for my DD to play in the way that neighbours did when I was a kid. It means I’m required to do a lot of arranging for my DD to have someone to play with. I also find play dates aren’t necessarily reciprocated which is frustrating when a weekend stretches ahead of you with no plans.

Bickles · 19/03/2022 06:27

This was DS at his old school. Tiny class and he just played with the girls because he doesn’t like football. He changed schools in September and his new school doesn’t play football (rugby instead). There are loads of lunchtime clubs and he’s also allowed to go to the library at lunchtime. He’s made lots of friends because they are more into the same things as him.
In year 5 it’s difficult to move but maybe ask school about lunch clubs or having some break times where they aren’t allowed a football?

Original poster

ThinksALot · 19/03/2022 10:46

Thanks all. He went to football club after school in year 2 for two terms for exactly this reason - I thought if he at least had the basic skills it might help on the playground but he hated the tackling (he doesn't like anything remotely competitive/confrontational), so we stopped after the two terms but it does mean he can play a bit at least, he just won't! I'll try talking to him about this again.

Yes, no children playing out here too - I remember doing that day in, day out when I was his age!

OP posts:

Beaker12 · 19/03/2022 10:59

Hi OP - I have a DS who is the same but younger and I worry this will happen to him.

I’m not sure encouraging him to play football - which he doesn’t enjoy - is really the answer? if he isn’t interested in football he isn’t going to want to talk about it, and I’m not sure it is an opener to friendships tbh.

My eldest DS ( who has SEN) is football mad - however I’ve noticed in year 5 interest in football is starting to drop off with lots of the boys. The school has also instigated no football playtimes - it might be worth asking about this? And then just fostering his interests. It’s very hard to see them lonely

LockUpAlone · 19/03/2022 11:41

or having some break times where they aren’t allowed a football
But if anyone finds out the request for no football at break times comes from him (you) he would never be forgiven!

Can he take something in to use at break? Something he can do to entertain himself, juggling balls etc.

cheesenpickle · 19/03/2022 11:57

I agree, pushing him to play football when he clearly has no interest is not the thing to do.i have a 10 year old similar in that he hates football and only has a couple of friends who are girls. He feels very excluded by boys in his class because he doesn't share there interests and no amount of pretending he is interested is suddenly going to result in friendships.

We have just focused on him having interests and activities out of school that he enjoys and increase his sense of self worth. we stopped arranging play dates as it's clear they were forced and then he started saying he didn't want anyone coming round. He has lately asked to invite a couple of girls round and although as you have mentioned the dynamics of the friendships are different that doesn't matter. the main thing is he feels comfortable and we talk through any difficulties that arise .

Bickles · 19/03/2022 12:42

I think schools are wrong to allow games that then lead to this type of exclusion. It’s a form bullying if everyone is playing but one boy.
They should certainly only allow a football for a few break times a week. I had this conversation at DS old school- once I mentioned the B word football was off the playground fairly quickly!
DS still has lots of friends who are girls. Many girls of this age are really into Harry Potter, Lego, Dr Who, reading which are his interests. They don’t seem to do the clique thing as much which the girls who like make up parties etc seem to do.

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