Really struggling with DS1's 21st birthday

[DetailMouse]

I've found it very difficult and handled it very badly. I need to get a grip of myself and stop putting this on him.

DH, his father, died less than a year ago. We had just begun to dream about this new phase of our lives when DH was taken ill. He died a week after DS2's 18th birthday, but before he was ill we had so many adventures planned once we were only paying for 2 and DC were off living their own lives iyswim. We were looking forward to setting them free and having more freedom ourselves.

Then DH died and all that freedom is now loneliness. DS1 has gone away for his birthday, which is great, I'm thrilled that he's enjoying life and pleased for him that he's found away that DH isn't obviously missing from his celebrations (I.e he wouldn't have been there anyway). However, I feel devastated to be all alone for it. If DH was here we'd have probably got tipsy celebrating that fact that we'd "made it".

I don't know what to do with all this spare time and money I have as a result of DC's independence.

I could do some of the trips on my own. It's not that I don't want to be on my own, m happy to travel alone it's, it's that I can't do "our" trips without him.

There are people I could go away with but I work in school and no one who doesn't need them wants to go away in school holidays. Also I can never do a long weekend, which is what a lot of "friends" trips seem to be.

I want to see this as an opportunity as DH and I did, but it seems to have broken me. I'd been coping quite well until this week. What can I do to pull it back?

I really need to stop putting my neediness on DC. I've never been needy with anyone in my life until now!

Hi DetailMouse,
I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but hope that things have eased nearly a year on for you. Have you had counselling? It doesn't work for everyone, but might be worth a try if you haven't 0 I'm not a counsellor but have benefitted from it in the past.
Take care xx

It's not needy to feel like this. If there's ever a time you need support from friends and family, it's now. Do you have any close enough friends to actually ask if they would like to do a trip somewhere? You've just assumed no one wants to travel in school holidays. What about organising some great meals out together with friends in the meantime to talk about it? You need to surround yourself with people and don't be afraid to say that's what you need.

Hi - am in a v similar boat to you (DH died 5 months ago and I work in a school!) you are still in the early stages of grieving and I have read that our DC although teens 'puddle jump' their way through grief whereas we adults don't.
I am having counselling and have found it useful, even if just to be able to talk about DH to someone who (due to human nature looking for shared experiences) will listen to me - it can feel self-indulgent at times!
I actually went away recently with DD (17) and then came home feeling so guilty
I also am having problems wanting to go to places that he had picked out - as if I am betraying him somehow
But it is good that you have friends you can go with- this is a mistake I have made! Maybe they would like to go but don't want to suggest anything as they think you would say no? Could you start small - a one/two night trip somewhere?

I see this thread is from last year. How are you coping now op, I really hope you are in a good place.