Suspected SEN in toddler feel like a crap parent

[CowboySong]

I'm not trying to suggest any parent with a child with SEN is a crap parent but this is absolutely how I'm feeling. It is evident that there are development delays with my son. He is 2.5 years and he stands out from all other two year olds I know. He has no interest in adults or children. He doesn't talk (but can make himself known!) and doesn't point. Everything is a battle. Trying to go for a walk leads to multiple crying throwing on the floor as he just wants to run up and down the same patch of grass/pavement/bridge. I have to physically carry him always whilst being kicked and him screaming. I look like the worst parent and people stare. It gets me down. Every day is a battle. He is incredibly affectionate towards me. Sometimes it can be a bit much but it's those moments where I know it is worth while but when I'm trying to do my best and he is trying to lie in a puddle screaming I literally want to die. I feel like the worst parent. That I have done something to cause these issues. That I haven't tried hard enough. I'm getting to the point that we're on waiting lists but in the meantime I have no idea how to handle it any more and I worry he'll never talk or go to school. I have no idea where to start. To top it off my life has fallen apart and most days I just want to disappear and pretend my life is all great and perfect. Sorry for the pity party but just writing it down has helped.

Us he having assessment,s ?
My son was diagnosed with autism and learning disabilities when he was three ,the early years are particularly hard as you can feel all alone
My son is 12 now and has severe autism and learning disabilities is at a special school I have met lots of people with children with similar disabilities and found their support invaluable
Find out what's going on in your area
I'm not going to patronise toy and say things will get better .but you will find your new normal .

I have been there OP. He absolutely will go to school. He could probably go to nursery now as there is special funding for two year olds with SEN - you could talk to your GP or health visitor or any health professionals you have contact with at the moment about how to get started to arrange that, and it would give you a bit of respite. He probably will talk but I understand that feeling. Do you do any Makaton signing or PECS? Honestly, I know it sounds daft, but Something Special on BBC iplayer is a really good place to learn some basic Makaton if you don't have any Speech Therapy involvement yet. We resisted but both Makaton and PECS helped our DC communicate surprisingly much. I can chat more if you want later and share some tips and tricks I remember from the toddler days but I have to make tea just now. Hang in there

Thank you both. Any hints and tips would be incredibly helpful. I'll check out the iPlayer program. We're waiting on hearing test, salt, community Paediatrics and portage. Nursery have confirmed a delay as have the HV. GP wouldn't take me seriously which was annoying but thankfully HV did and she referred him.

The thing is at two and a half it will be very much wait and see,see if there are any special needs groups in your area is there a specific Sen nursery ?
It's good they are getting the ball rolling ,honestly the first few years are the hardest .

The nursery he goes to have a sen specialist I believe but I'll research to see if there is a specific nursery in the area.

Hi @CowboySong, how’s it going today. Good selection of referrals you’ve got coming. Portage we’re excellent for us, we felt well supported and they taught me stuff to do with dc to do ‘physio by stealth’, ‘turn taking by stealth’ etc so it just felt like playing to dc. Salt were also excellent once we got in- they ran workshops on makaton and communication games that really helped me feel like I could support dc. Great he’s in nursery already, how do they feel like they cope with him?

In terms of tips to keep dc moving in the generally right direction, we find the Idea of ‘first and then’ super helpful. First put boots on, then jump in puddle. First come to the bus stop, then you get your fruity bar. Really breaking it down into the next two steps, supported with signs or pictures if necessary. Also choosing- red coat or blue hoody, you choose- of course you have to be happy with both choices you’re offering! Also countdowns- ten more jumps in the puddle, then finished. 10, 9, 8… 1, finished! Well done let’s go to the shops now!

We had a ‘waiting board’ - a piece of card with Velcro dots that we moved gradually from left to right. So, you can leave the table when waiting is finished… and you move the dots at the pace you need to gain time to finish your toast or whatever. Our dc actually ended up enjoying waiting as an activity and moving the dots when I said!

Also we shamelessly used the pushchair to the age of 5 and we also practiced dc walking at the side of the pushchair holding on which gave better control than fighting over hand holding.

Hope some of that might be useful. You are not a bad parent. But I do understand.

I don’t have anything helpful to add as far as assessments and school placements but as a practical matter, why not just let them run around on the patch of ground instead of going for a walk? Save yourself the struggle over something that will eventually change. Find a safe area that they enjoy and let them do that. If you have the space, maybe get a very small trampoline they can jump on and work off some energy. This particular issue is bound to go away in the next year so why get upset about it.

@SilenzioBruno thank you so much for this. It really makes sense. I will have a look to incorporate those into the daily routine. It's a great idea. I'm not sure I fully understand the waiting game. Would it just be numbered one to ten. I feel that I too will use a pram until an older age tbh.

@Boxowine I understand what you're saying and I do allow this on the garden and other places but sometimes it is nice to go out with people and be able to walk along nicely. Of the path is narrow and cannot be run off then he will do so well walking along. However, if he can go 'off piste' he will. It's incredibly frustrating.

Sorry I had another thought. About the 'not trying hard enough' feeling. Again I really understand and I feel this often myself.

But the thing is you are probably already trying way harder, more of the time, than a parent of a typically developing two year old. I didn't realise this with our dc as I had nothing to compare it to. I was shocked to finally realise when our younger dc 'helped' getting dressed at around a year old - really trying to push arms through sleeves, cooperating etc - when I was still entirely dressing eldest dc who was 4.5 and in Reception at school.

Also, I suspect you will find as you go on that a lot of the advice and 'help' you get can sound like an accusation that you aren't trying enough yet, or that you need to do more. This course! Learn that! Do it this way! Plan everything ahead! I definitely feel like if I go to dc's school with an issue I will get a new list of stuff to do at home to fix it, and it can be really tiring. I expect what I said above sounds like a new list of stuff to deal with and I'm really sorry if it does. At best, the techniques to do at home can be a more effective way of communicating with your dc and more efficient that a 'standard' way that doesn't work well. But please do remember that you are already carrying a much heavier load than most and the problem is definitely not down to a lack of trying on your part.

I don't think I explained the waiting board very well... If it's an activity of theirs that you want to limit, the counting to ten out loud and then finished usually works. We even did sitting on a bench for ten and then finished, which let us pause on a walk for a very limited space of time.

If it's an activity of yours that you need to finish, or something you are literally waiting for like a bus or the timer on the oven, you don't want to hand full control to the dc to count because they will just rush you! So on the board we had the dots on one side labelled 'waiting' and a place to move them to labelled 'finished' on the other side and we would move the dots one at a time to the finished side of the board. We didn't bother to number the dots. So if I needed three minutes to finish a cup of tea I would move one dot every 20 seconds roughly. Or if you had the patience to make that many velcro dots you could make dozens and get the dc to move them himself - enough that it takes him several minutes to move (and it's good fine motor skills practise too) and once he's moved them all you'll do his choice of activity. Some dc respond well to an egg timer but the benefit of the dots is you can expand and contract the time you're measuring out.

Some other thoughts... I used to pack a bottle of bubble solution and a board book and some little snacks so that I could say 'when we reach the bench' or whatever landmark we can do x y z treat. To have some bribes on hand that weren't all food. We also developed routines of familiar places that we would visit where the route was known - so a particular park or National Trust site or route into town or whatever which we usually did in the same order. DC would know what landmark was next so eventually I could say 'meet you at the tree with red leaves' and they could run ahead (in my line of sight) but stay on the route. I know you don't always want to go the same places but if you pick a few nice routes you'll always have an option you can do with a friend and be pretty confident of getting around the whole walk. It also means dc can eventually be 'the expert' and show your friends' kids the route/the next landmark etc.

I understand completely, my first son was the same way. We could only go to fenced in areas because he could run faster than I could and would dart into traffic or other dangerous areas given the chance. If we went somewhere like the zoo I would put him on a leash ( fully prepared for the backlash but unless you have one, you can’t appreciate). I still envy parents who can walk about simply holding their child’s hand. So this particular period is tedious but the walking will eventually change. Until then, you may be better off accepting that they are not ready for that experience and save yourself the frustration of wrestling with them and how that makes you feel. It won’t always be this way with the walking, even if you continue to have challenges in other areas.