What if anything can I do for my dd?

[Igottowondering]

DD is 11 and started secondary in September. She is quiet and shy. I knew she’d have problems making friends and this week she told me she is so lonely. She is friends with a girl she knew in primary school but I think this girl has made new friends and now dd has no one.
She tells me she spends lunchtimes sitting on her own. She says she does chat to other girls during lessons but feels she can’t go up to them at lunchtime.
I emailed her form tutor who suggested she attend a lunchtime club. DD refused to attend the club. There are homework clubs at lunchtime but again DD refuses to go.
I don’t know what to do and it’s breaking my heart.
Her school is a large girls only school and many of the girls seem quite “streetwise” and full of confidence. My dd is neither.
I don’t know if I should contact the school again but really what can they do?
My eldest dd is 14 and goes to the same school and tells me the teachers can’t make her sister have friends which is of course true. I just feel so hopeless and it’s starting to affect me now. If dd has a bad day then I have a bad day. I just think of her being on her own but then get annoyed with her for not helping herself ie why can’t she just join a club!
Any advice, I’m so miserable and so is dd.

my older dd struggled to make friends. Joining a club was the thing that did it. One person she connected with and then the rest started to follow.

Can you talk to her about why she won't join a club. Is she scared of walking in on her own?
Could school help with that, perhaps engineer it so that 3 of the class try out a new club?
I would talk to her again, and try and explore it more. Take her concerns seriously (it must feel terriying to walk into a room of people she doesn't know)
I would also ask tutor again if she could support dd in finding a club and going. It actually might work better to talk to student services rather than tutor? At dds school they are really good at the pastroal care, tutors not so much

The first year of secondary school is always the hardest. My DD also goes to an all girls school and had similar trouble finding friends in her first year. I agree with pp, a lunch time club is the best. That is what helped my dd find her little gang of like minded friends. She spent her first year complaining that she had no friends but she is year 8 now and has found her feet. If your dd is worried about being the newcomer to an already established club then maybe she could hang on till the next term when everyone picks their clubs again. Lots of girls switch out and in of clubs especially in their first year when they don't really know what they like and dislike.

Oh OP I do feel for you. You're only as happy as your least happy child.
Maybe try to stop solving the problem for her; if the club isn't for her then it let it go. Emotion coach when she tells you she's lonely ( label and validate). Open up an opportunity for her to problem solve for herself - maybe she'll join something, sit on a table with some other girls for lunch or maybe she'd prefer to download an app to play on her phone to pass lunchtime. activities outside of school.
Keep her self esteem up- don't let it define her. And slowly she'll find her tribe.

I appreciate the responses, Thankyou. I just don’t know why she can’t allow herself to go to other girls & sit with them. There are a few other girls from primary there that she’s friends with but though she’ll speak to them to say hi she says she feels unable to go over & sit with them. She has this idea they wouldn’t “want her”. As a 40 year old I can’t get my brain round that & I’m pretty sure these girls wouldn’t reject her.
I know I need to not let it affect me so much, I mean I have a full time job & two other kids but this issue with dd is taking up all my headspace.

@Igottowondering

I appreciate the responses, Thankyou. I just don’t know why she can’t allow herself to go to other girls & sit with them. There are a few other girls from primary there that she’s friends with but though she’ll speak to them to say hi she says she feels unable to go over & sit with them. She has this idea they wouldn’t “want her”. As a 40 year old I can’t get my brain round that & I’m pretty sure these girls wouldn’t reject her. I know I need to not let it affect me so much, I mean I have a full time job & two other kids but this issue with dd is taking up all my headspace.

Really? Can you not remember the agony of wondering if you can walk over and join in? Will they laugh at you, will you look stupid, will the conversation stop and everyone look at you?

Even as adults we sometimes feel that.

She needs to walk in to lunch with someone else. Maybe talk to her about saying things like - do you want to go to lunch together? with someone in the lesson before, so she isn't facing the whole dining room alone.

This is my big fear for my dd with ASD. She is crippling shy and has struggled badly to make friends at primary school. I'm dreading secondary as I think she will flounder, she has no self confidence or self esteem at all.

It is so hard watching them struggle. Are there any out of school clubs/ activities she would enjoy to practice making friends in a different way? What does she like? Art/ sport/ dance/ scouts/ gaming/ etc? One thing that massively helped dds confidence was speech and language classes- LAMDA. She was not a natural but she credits it with building her confidence and helping her land a v good career!

Do you know any of the other girls parents? Could you ask them to discreetly help?

@jowly

Do you know any of the other girls parents? Could you ask them to discreetly help?

I think this is good advice. Many 11 year old girls will be happy to help and it will make them feel important! Or perhaps invite her to choose one to join you on a family trip out, cinema or something?