How much should DP contribute for the time he's here?

[mindyourownbiscuits]

I'm finding it really difficult to work out what is reasonable and appropriate.

I rent a 3-bed house in London Z5 with 3 DC. I work part time and receive a top up of Universal Credit which helps with my rent and bills. I have a small amount of debt after divorce which I am paying off (under £10k).

DP and I have been together for 3 years. He met the children 2 years ago. We do not live together and he has a flat which he owns and pays a mortgage on. Last summer he was made redundant and has not found a new job since. He has been living off his redundancy pay out but I think that it must be nearly used up now. He is actively job hunting. In November he sublet a room in his flat to a lodger. This covers 75% of his mortgage. The lodger doesn't contribute to bills as that's included.

Since last summer he has been spending more time with us as he's not been in the office. This has been great as it's helped his mental health improve after feeling isolated during Covid, and he helps out with school runs and kids activities. My preference would be 3 days a week but before Christmas it became more like 5 days a week. I found it tricky as it's a very small house, and I'm an introvert - I do need a certain amount of alone time. I communicated this and it's helped a little although he seems to be spending more time here again recently.

I need to ask him to contribute financially. He spends a lot of time here. He has a healthy appetite. Although he doesn't buy many snacks himself, he certainly helps himself and enjoys them here.

It doesn't feel quite right that while he spends so much time here, his presence is costing me more, whilst he continues paying off his mortgage. He has a big asset there and I don't have a house or savings, only debt. However, I don't know how to calculate a fair contribution, when our heating and lights and TV and internet would all be on anyway, whether he was here or not.

Re: food, he often offers to cook us all a meal, but doesn't select meals the children will eat, so I end up adding side dishes myself to make a full meal they will eat a combination of. If I ask him to shop, he always buys the cheapest of everything. Whilst I understand that my income is low and he is not earning, I would prefer to buy less and slightly higher quality so we all still enjoy the meals.

I think it would be better to ask for a contribution, but I don't know how to calculate a fair amount whilst acknowledging that he's not earning at the moment. But overall, he is still in a better financial position than me and I will end up resenting the situation.

Any opinions would be gratefully received, thank you

How much extra does he cost you?

If he cooks, he needs to make something that everyone will eat. Write him a list of safe dishes.

An friend of mine stayed for a couple of months and doubled my food bill, my water bill and added 33% to the council tax bill. It worked out at about £300 a month so not an insignificant amount.

How hard is he really looking for another job? Unemployment is really low at the moment and everywhere I go (also live in London) I see signs for people wanting staff. I appreciate that being a waiter or working in a store may be a job he's overqualified for, but he needs to bring some money in and pay his way while he looks for the sort of work he really wants.

Is he being picky about the type of jobs he will do? If so then not earning is a choice.

You need to get tough here. Tell him when he cooks it’s a meal for everyone or he doesn’t cook. He can’t exclude the kids. And tell him he needs to pay for his share of the food, do a calculation of what that is.

Stop messing he’s jist using you to eat for free and save on bills.

Not worked since last summer? He’s either not looking very hard or he’s being extremely choosy about what he applies for.

Ask him for for £300 a month.

I think you’ll find he suddenly wants to respect your need for a bit more space and starts spending less time at your place once he realises the free ride is over.

Congratulations on your very own cocklodger..
He needs kicking to the kerb imo.
He is effectively eating food that should be for your dc and you.
And using your utilities.
Cf alert op!

I agree, when he realises he’s not getting free food and board you will see him less. And as for the using your money to cook meals only he wants to you need to supplement so your kids can eat, that’s nothing short of shameful

Whatever amount you ask for (and I agree you should absolutely ask for something) you must make it clear that this doesn’t allow an increase in the 3 agreed days he stays with you.

What you don’t want is for him to start thinking “well I pay my way here so I can stay as much as I like” and he ends up moving in and living full time with you whilst paying a pittance of £300 a month.

@BornIn78

Whatever amount you ask for (and I agree you should absolutely ask for something) you must make it clear that this doesn’t allow an increase in the 3 agreed days he stays with you.

What you don’t want is for him to start thinking “well I pay my way here so I can stay as much as I like” and he ends up moving in and living full time with you whilst paying a pittance of £300 a month.

Agree,

So do it per day op. Twenty quid a day he stays or something.

You surely need to be careful if claiming Uc as a single person. He should not be financially contributing to your household or it should be a joint claim surely ??

@Babyroobs

You surely need to be careful if claiming Uc as a single person. He should not be financially contributing to your household or it should be a joint claim surely ??

Well yes, this is also a consideration. I don't want him to go on the UC claim as I don't want him living here. Weekends should be it.

As I said, the rent, heating, TV, WiFi, water etc would all be in use anyway so I don't really feel the need for him to pay for that. He pays for those things at his flat, and sometimes we stay there when the kids are at ex-Hs house. He doesn't live here, and I wouldn't want him to. This house is too small for 5 people to live in full time.

I think probably it's the food shopping that's bugging me and I'm noticing it more now that all the prices are sky rocketing.

I think I will have to remind him that Fri-Sun nights are all that's appropriate- 12 nights max in a month. Maybe a £10 a day contribution to the food kitty so £120ish.

He's always keen to split family holiday costs 50/50 (even though maybe I should pay 4/5) and contributes to petrol when we use my car. He's also paid for a whole holiday for us two years running. He'll often pay for tickets or meals out/coffees. It seems to be grocery costs / household where there's a big blind spot.

V specific about jobs. Was in agreement with this until Christmas (only 4 months and he had some illness) but now we're in March it's pushing it. However two interviews next week which is brilliant.

Thanks for the input. Talking about money was a huge flashpoint in my marriage and I absolutely hate bringing it up as a result. But needs must

When I got with my now husband he went to a cash point and shoved £100 in my hand after about 3 weeks of going out. I'd been making him meals about three times a week at my home, doing his laundry with mine, and he'd been staying over. He was working part-time at the time but living with his parents.
He wanted to ensure I knew he was genuine, not trying to take the p**s out of me, cared about me, and wanted to make the effort because he wanted to marry me from day one.

Men will walk over broken glass to impress the woman they are serious about.

I think you should ask your DP specifically for a contribution to food (not bills) so it’s more clear cut to not impact your benefits (& it’s not a free licence to move in)

I agree that’s a LONG time to be out of work in the current market - I was made redundant in 2019, was working again within a couple of months in a much less active market

Why is he not considering temp work etc - not necessarily low skilled work but easier to get vs a permanent job