How to make things better for DSD?

[Jammybadger]

DSD (12) had a bit of a cry yesterday about her life being split in 2. She knows there isn’t anything anyone can do about it, she loves both families but she hates that all her siblings have permanent homes with their mum and dad and she doesn’t. I think she’s also jealous of the younger siblings hobbies as she doesn’t really do much herself.

It’s heartbreaking because she is right. We have a 50/50 split custody, everyone gets on very well. She has younger siblings on both sides (quite a lot younger). She has a great relationship with me and her step dad and she loves her siblings. We are careful to give her time with just DH and don’t drag her along to her younger siblings hobbies etc. She dropped most of her hobbies over the last couple of years and is horrified at the thought of trying anything new so it is hard to give her time doing something that is just hers.

Any tips from an outside perspective? Or is this just as good as it gets for a child with divorced parents?

Why has she dropped her hobbies and why would she be horrified to try anything new?

I do think 50/50 is tough on kids, especially older kids. It may be the best of a bunch of non-optimum choices, where the relationships are strong on all sides, but that doesn't mean it's easy.

There's probably a bit of hormonal adolescent stuff creeping in here as well. I would just be very supportive and available to listen, acknowledge her feelings and the validity of them, and make it clear that she'll be supported if she does want to try a new hobby or social group.

Is she still truly happy with 50/50 split?

She may of course very well be in which case it does sound as if you are all doing as well as you could. Would it be worth just gently exploring with her if she is still - it could be she would never want to say as feel it would be hurtful etc. it might be that now she is older she would like one more permanent base, and need reassuring that doesn’t loosen her obviously strong binds with the other house. If it is still her preference then agree with others to reassure and support. If you could afford it and can find someone good ( and she was willing) a few sessions with a psychologist may help - she might want to express feelings towards her situation/younger siblings that are difficult to express to parents? Possible she is reevaluating her parents split etc again now she is older and her understanding is greater

Have you asked her if there is anything that would make it better with the promise it will not cause anyone any upset and will be properly considered?

I have no experience of this, but could she be seeing what she has missed out on - a family where everyone is fully related to each other.

I think it sounds like you’ve done amazingly well.
Do you get on well enough to all be together - so that she has experience of both her parents being together with her (and everyone else) - and feels it’s really all her family too. Not going from half her family to the other half?

Also would be good to build her interests again - maybe she’s a sensitive soul who sees how busy these new half families are with her new siblings, and she didn’t want to be a bother. I’m just saying that because hobbies can help keep them stable in their teenage years.
My daughter dropped everything for reasons of illness, and in retrograde it was a mistake.

That's a tough situation for her, I think most kids would struggle with this despite the best efforts of everyone. It sounds like she feels she doesn't quite belong anywhere.

Is the 50/50 set days? As kids get older custody arrangements tend to get more flexible. In, say, 5 years time I would expect she'd want to be moving freely of her own will between the two homes (ideally - obviously depends if you will accommodate that). Perhaps this is the start of moving towards that? Would she like a bit more choice in where she stays and when?

Something else to think about is what you do to make her feel at home when she's with you. Does she have her own room? Is it decorated how she wants? What activities do you do together, is she given a say in how you spend your family time? Does she have alone time with her dad? How much accommodating of her younger siblings does she have to do?

This situation is one of those where you can't make it all right for her and she'll always have to compromise, but there might be changes you could make to help her feel more at ease.

At 12 they often go through a self-conscious phase, and my lot suddenly went from "have a go at anything" to "no way, I'd die of embarrassment" so the hobbies thing might be that.

Would swapping the access plan around help her at all? My niece, at 13, said she hated half a week at one place, half at another and always felt she was unsettled. She swapped to one week with one parent, one with the other and was much happier and more settled. Might that be something your DSD could consider?

You sound like a lovely step mother, she is very lucky. I have no advice.

She has her own room (the biggest in the house), adorned with all kind of teenage girl nonsense. We do our best to find fun things to do that we’ll all enjoy- often this means letting her bring a friend along or meeting up with her cousins of a similar age. When the little ones have something to do I take them and DH takes her out for lunch/cinema/shopping whatever she fancies. Whenever there is an event we think she would like and it’s not on our time we ask her mum if she can come. We never go on holiday without her. All my family treat her the same as the other kids. She’s no less a part of the family just because she’s not here half the time.

We could ask her if she’s happy with the living arrangements but when on holiday with either family she gets a bit sad after a few days because she misses the other so I don’t think a week about would make her happy. Also her mum works shifts and her days are arranged around that so different days she would see her mum less.

Hobby-wise, she is in the early stages of puberty and finding herself so really just wants to hang out with her friends or watch TV. She left brownies because she was too old then refused to join guides. She’s not sporty and is too shy to join a new drama/dance group. She’s not musical. Doesn’t want to join in any after school clubs. I do feel guilty for ferrying around her siblings to their interests but I would do the same for her if she had one.

Would she be interested in doing something just with you? Hairdresser or nails? ( is a French manicure acceptable at school?) shopping trip with coffee somewhere nice. My grandchildren love a museum but probably not everyone’s cup of tea.

We don’t often do things just the 2 of us to be honest - although if DH is out and the others are in bed we do play a board game/watch a girly film with popcorn etc. I’d be happy to try and spend more 1 on 1 time with her but I don’t think that would solve the issue at hand really. Worth a shot asking her though!