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Original poster

18yo dd, A levels and going out

21 replies

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 09:09

No sure if this belongs in teens or in relationship so ended up here instead

dd is preparing for her A levels. Obvioulsy she should be full on in the middle of her revisions. Her mocks were ok but not as good as they could have been. She also has a bf and wants to spend time with him. She is doing a competitive sport so is busy a lot (most) of the weekends because of that.
That's for the background.

DH and I have a difference of opinion on how what to say to dd when she wants to go out (lets say friday evening with friends or staying at her bf).
I think she is 18yo. it's up to her to decide what to do. The most I can do is ask her if she has done x and y or is feeling up to speed with her revisions. I know she can put her head down and work hard. I am just worried that (like a lot of students!) she'll leave it too late to do everything.
DH thinks it is disgraceful she is going out like this. He has an issue with her going out (and take a couple of cans of cider!). He has an issue with her staying at the bf. All because he thinks she doesn't work enough. Basically telling her she is lazy. But doesn't have any issue with her doing her sport and spending all the weekend doing that, even taking time out of school. He is actually encouraging that! .

It's creating lots of tension at home. Between dd and dh, between me and dh...

So how would you handle it?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 10:33

Anyone?

OP posts:

EmmaStone · 17/03/2022 10:38

I think I'm inclined to agree with you - she's an adult, and (with your support) needs to make her own choices. What are her plans for next step, are her mocks in the right ball park for Uni (if that's what she's doing)? Is she coasting as a result?

Perhaps the 3 of you can sit down, ask where how she's feeling, where she's at, what she needs from you and DH by way of support, how she'll be managing her time.

I think going out at the weekend (as long as it doesn't eat into studying time too much) is fine and normal at that age, but she might need to rein it in from Easter (potentially same with her sport). But she needs to be the one making that decision I'd say.

thebellsesmereldathebells · 17/03/2022 10:38

DH needs to unclench before he loses her altogether.

It is difficult having a young adult who isn't quite mature enough to make reliably good choices, but who is too old to be told what to do by parents. I have one. He flies by the seat of his pants with college work, goes out far too much and too late, does too many hours in his part-time job to the detriment of college work...he's young, saving for a car, his priorities are very different from mine and I worry about him, a lot.

The time for laying down the law has passed. She's 18 and her choices are her own. The best you can do as parents (imo) is be there to offer support and advice, try to keep the relationship going and the lines of communication open so that she will at least value your views and take them on board when making her decisions. If your DH keeps stamping his feet and doing the Victorian Dad schtick, she will simply close down on him and refuse to consider anything he says - and that will be her legal right. Hard as it is, we have to transition from "authority figure" to "critical friend" at this age, and if they make cock-ups, we're there to support them back onto their feet as many times as it takes.

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SnaccidentsHappen · 17/03/2022 10:39

At the end of the day all you can do is try to make her see how important her exams may be for her future.

She is technically an adult so can make her own decisions, wether they are right or wrong.

Your DH is unreasonable to allow her to take as much time as she wants for the sport but not for her own time.

Maybe pull back a bit on the sport until after exams so she has more of a balance.

drawingpad · 17/03/2022 10:40

DH thinks it is disgraceful she is going out like this. He has an issue with her going out (and take a couple of cans of cider!). He has an issue with her staying at the bf. All because he thinks she doesn't work enough. Basically telling her she is lazy. But doesn't have any issue with her doing her sport and spending all the weekend doing that, even taking time out of school. He is actually encouraging that!

So; it's not about him wanting her to achieve the best she can with A levels - it's about him exerting control over her when she wants to, quite reasonably, socialise.

Has he ever been controlling towards you OP?

hedgehogger1 · 17/03/2022 10:44

As the teacher of 18 year olds doing a levels I wish some parents would step up a bit more. I've got kids that don't turn up/ don't complete any assignments and no one at home seems to care. I can provide everything needed to succeed except them putting the effort in

Bagelsandbrie · 17/03/2022 10:47

Dh needs to let go.

She’s 18, my dd is 18 and at university living away from home and I have literally no idea what she’s up to most of the time! All you can do is guide your dd and encourage her to study but at the end of the day it’s her life and to be honest what she’s doing sounds perfectly normal. When I was 18 I was working 30 hours a week in a pub, doing 4 a levels and getting in at 4am and going to get the train to college at 7am! Best years of my life!

balalake · 17/03/2022 10:48

Weekdays not, weekends go out.

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 11:04

@drawingpad yes it’s a lot about what dh thinks is ok or not ok to do.
Going out isn’t ok
Spending your time outdoors (eg DoE), doing a sport, working, all ok activities.

I feel there is a lot if judgement behind that that isn’t warranted.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 11:10

The best you can do as parents (imo) is be there to offer support and advice, try to keep the relationship going and the lines of communication open so that she will at least value your views and take them on board when making her decisions.

@thebellsesmereldathebells yep. I can see dd drawing back and avoiding to talk to her dad because she knows he’ll ‘grumble’.

As @hedgehogger1 said, I think it’s essential for me, as a parent, to stay involved (even though dd is always turning up/up to date with homework etc…). So I want to keep repeating to her that she needs to think about her exams. And she doesn’t want to end up disappointed with herself if she doesn’t get what she wants Uni wise because she didn’t make the effort when she needed.

OP posts:

WorkEvent · 17/03/2022 11:16

She’s an adult. You’re only 18 once. Going clubbing, making mistakes, having to cram and revise hungover are all par for the course as far as I’m concerned. If she messes up, there’s re-takes or clearing. Unless she’s desperate to go to Oxford or get into medical school, I don’t see it as a huge issue.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 17/03/2022 11:18

Does your DH work every night and all weekend? She needs a break or she will burn out.

TheAbbotOfUnreason · 17/03/2022 11:31

It could also be that your DD has a different learning / revising style than your DH.

We were always worried that DS wasn’t putting in the hours - and I did as you are doing, checking in that everything is on schedule and going OK, whilst DH was getting grumpy. Turned out DS's learning style was completely different to ours (lots of past papers and not lots of churning through notes) and he did really well.

Satsumaeater · 17/03/2022 11:38

@hedgehogger1

They're adults, it's not about parents stepping up, it's about the students making their own decisions.

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 12:02

@Duracellbunnywannabe

Does your DH work every night and all weekend? She needs a break or she will burn out.

Yep that's another worry for me.

She didn't do well with the lockdowns last year and got somehow depressed from being at home all the time. She missed her friends and she probably overcompensated at the start of the year by going out more (they all did from what I can see too).

For me the risk of burnt out and exhausted or her getting fed up with it all and just stopping is too high.

OP posts:

SpikeySmooth · 17/03/2022 12:43

She's 18 and entitled to a life outside of exams and work. If she studied all the time she'd go stir crazy. I have a daughter who is doing GCSEs, and she goes out every Friday night with her friends, as well as birthday parties and other social gatherings. She has her hobbies. As long as she's getting all her work done and she's doing her best, why can't she gave fun? Your daughter is 18 and old enough now to make her mistakes without being checked on constantly by her parents. Your DH needs to calm down, a lot.

Gherkingreen · 17/03/2022 12:52

My DS is 18 and doing A levels. He's working hard (finally!) and getting good grades, he's had a p/t job for a year but swapped to a new one to do fewer hours (was in fast food place, expecting 14 hours+ a week, too much).
He has a gf and his own car (old car generously gifted by family) which he fuels himself, and he's out a lot.
But he still always asks permission to go out which is thoughtful, he's got that balance we want him to be able to enjoy and he manages his time well.
God knows they've missed out on two years of normal teenage life and many are just now spreading wings and working out their own ways of doing things. It's so important that they work it out for themselves (with support and a steer if needed) otherwise they'll be at uni or in work with no idea of how to even begin to adult.

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 13:45

The next question though is what the heck do I do with DH?

I've tried to talk to him, highlihted what I (and all of you) have said but nothing changes.
If dd is asking me if she can go out (and I always say yes), then I am the one who gets the flack and DH grumpiness too.... I end up feeling like I am walking on eggshell :(

OP posts:

Elsiebear90 · 17/03/2022 13:50

I don’t think an 18 year old adult should be asking permission to go out, so I would start with that, he sounds very controlling, is he controlling in other areas of your lives too?

Original poster

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 17/03/2022 13:58

He has an issue with dd.
Somehow I think DH is feeling threatened by her (academically and on the type of interests she has - More the nerd type vs DH who is very hands on)

I agree that she doesnt need to ask for permission. I expect her to let us know, if possible a bit ahead of time (eg so we don't cook for her if she isn't in).

OP posts:

Gherkingreen · 17/03/2022 21:40

@WhyIsEverythingSoHard it's really hard to let our DCs go and maybe your DH is feeling that keenly right now. It's okay for him to feel nervous and protective but not to the point where he's controlling what your DD does and where she goes.
Maybe he just needs time. Has your DD asked him why he feels the way he does? Is he willing to explore it to understand his reaction?

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