Husband won’t look after child who is shouting Mummy

[Donra]

I breastfed our son for years which meant I was the one who saw to him at night because he wanted milk. The result is that he now yells Mummy when he wakes up. My husband thinks this means he doesn’t have to see to him, because he’s shouting Mummy not Daddy. If I ask my husband to go to him he says “he’s shouting for you not me”. It’s a vicious circle - he yells Mummy so I have to look after him, which reinforces the idea that it’s Mummy he has to shout for. Help?

How old is your son?

Four. I breastfed till three. Getting very sick of having to be the one who gets up repeatedly. It was understandable when I was breastfeeding but now it’s just unfair.

I agree. I did all the night wakings until 2. DH has done most after.

When it's daytime, can you suggest you share?

How is DH the rest of the time - is parenting generally left to you? I don't think most men realise how not being involved in the day to day parenting when DC are growing up has a massive knock on effect later in life. If one parent is the go to for all practical/emotional needs, why would a young adult turn to anyone but the person who has provided all the support?

I’m constantly complaining that he isn’t doing his share. DH for his part constantly complains that he can’t do stuff that needs doing such as gardening and decorating, because I keep wanting him to look after his son.

Do you mean waking up at night?

Gardening and decorating are tasks you fit in around child care. Your DH does know that right?

So he's basically complaining that child care gets in the way of other tasks? Well that's called having children. I'm sure it gets in the way of other stuff you'd like to do as well!

He's also just using your son shouting for you as an excuse not to go to him. Did he even want a child? Because it certainly sounds like be doesn't want to look after one.

Don't have another child with him.

Explain that whilst it’s lovely for him that when ds shouts mummy he feels he can step back it’s not sustainable for you. That ds needs to learn mummy and daddy will come to him in the night. In order to break the cycle dh will be going more for ds to get used to this change!!

Time to book yourself a couple of nights away and leave him to it

Refuse to get up. Tell your husband that from now on you will take it in turns fairly and when it's not your turn, don't get up.

Me and my husband have a system. I do night waking but he does anything from 4am, he likes to get up early anyway so I get a lie in. Would something similar work?

It does sound like there are bigger issues than the night waking though to be honest.

Is this a frequent occurrence? I'm only asking because our daughter (just turned one) ALWAYS wants her Dad when she needs somebody and that used to upset me. One day, she called for him, he asked me to go and I burst out crying as I felt that I wouldn't be enough for her. Is your husband maybe feeling the same?

You need to go away for a night or two. Ideally with some friends or relatives, but alone is fine too.

He will learn a lot while you are gone. You'll probably learn something too...

Smother your sperm donater with a pillow perhaps?

I agree that he should be doing his share but at the same time if it's always you that goes in during the night I would expect that you'll get hysteria at him going in, so there will have to be a lot of teeth gritting. I realise that the nights are probably making you feel desperate but I wonder if it's the best place to start if he's not doing much childcare in general. Does he put DS to bed or is that always you, too? He needs to get more comfortable with dad being the one who comes to him in general before you brave the upset of changing what DS sees as the routine in the middle of the night.

So, if you weren't in the house and he was shouting mummy...would be really ignore the lad?? Or would he step the fuck up a d sort it out?
Lazy, selfish twat.

@LadyPropane

You need to go away for a night or two. Ideally with some friends or relatives, but alone is fine too.

He will learn a lot while you are gone. You'll probably learn something too...

This. Book yourself a premier in, take a good book and a bottle of wine and have 12h of uninterrupted sleep.

"He's shouting for you not me"
"Yes we need to break him of that, not reinforce the idea you are not as important to him"

I did extended BF and my DD who is now 6 will still shout for mummy not daddy if needs us in the night. We just take it that she needs 'a' parent and one of us will respond, often my DH. Yours is being a twat & id absolutely expect him to step up.

Fool proof birth control. Dont decide to have another child with him and then keep complaining. You have seen who he is. Its unlikely you can change him.

But he isn't looking after the ds. He is being his df
..
Sounds a real catch.

Why aren't you doing the gardening and the decorating?