What happened when you came out of hospital? What's normal?

[TunaTastic]

Just had a general anesthetic and day surgery on Saturday.
What's a normal level of support from a partner.

He's gone away to work, rang this morning, walking in so hurrying. Rang at 10pm after evening out with colleagues. That's it, we have two teen kids.

I can't work out if I'm a bit overwhelmed, trying to recover or neglected.

Neglected

Dh took a week off work when I came out of hospital last year and waited on me hand and foot which is very unlike him but I nearly croaked it so he was shook.

In your situation I would have expected a discussion at least from your dh about whether you could manage alone or needed help. Certainly I would have expected a discussion around a night out.

I hope you are feeling OK, hospitals are scary places and the whole thing can leave you feeling vulnerable and in need of extra tlc.

Neglected....Mostly because he went out after work.

Level of support needed dependent on the surgery you had - day surgery could include all sorts. But general also often effects mood for a few days, not that this means you're overreacting - but you might need more support for this reason.

With two teenage children, I'd also expect them to be helping support you too.

If you were OK to be alone during the day, you should still have had sensitivity from DH and been taking the day gently. He should probably be doing the 'heavy lifting' for the family (school runs etc) until you're recovered too .

Going out with colleagues for a jolly was a dickish move.

Oh actually...Do you mean he's staying away for work? If so, tricky one - ideally he wouldn't have done if left today, but sometimes these trips can be difficult to get out of. When did he go? If before today then definitely shouldn't have gone.

You definitely need support, if not from DH then from someone else.

Hope you feel much better tomorrow

I had my gallbladder out it was an outpatient procedure and I was under general anesthesia it was a Friday. My husband went to work on Monday. I didn't feel neglected or like I needed any additional support. I mostly just slept.

Depends on your circumstances I guess. If you've got little children who need care, yes I'd expect him to stay home and help for a couple of days, If it's just you at home ( or older/ independent children) no I wouldn't expect my partner to stay and look after me.

You don't say what surgery you had, but if it was a day procedure and you were OK to go home, I'd say that most people would be fine to look after themselves. I wouldn't expect DH to take time off work under those circumstances and I've had quite a few surgeries .

I wouldn't expect to need that much attention five days after day case surgery tbh, but I guess it depends what you had done.

Are you off your feet/unable to look after yourself? How old are your teens?

Have you discussed with him that you need help?

I had tonsils out two years ago, recovered at home on my own (was single though). I didn't see an issue with it it was absolutely fine to be alone and rest.

He wFH and stayed a week after surgery but had been there 4 weeks before it. I couldn’t use my arm and was in a lot of pain. He got stressed out and fucked off back to working out of state, leaving me with one working arm, 3 kids to organise and getting myself to physio. And he wonders why I have no respect for him.

100% depends what you had done.

After keyhole hysterectomy late dp looked after me for a week, I managed to go out for lunch 4 days after op.

After gallstones op came home, had a quiet night, managed to drive back to dp's house afternoon of day after.

After shoulder op, parents dropped me off at home, they had ds to stay, I was home on my own, slept & relaxed for 3 days.

Depends on the surgery....

But in the main I'm an adult, a grown woman and don't need my husband to sit and hold my hand 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mine went back to work after collecting me from the hospital but made sure I had everything to hand so I could stay in bed if I wanted.

It depends on what you had done but I didn't expect him or even want him to 'nurse' me afterwards.

If I had been totally immobile then that would have been different.

Depends on the surgery.

I had day ENT surgery. I stayed with family members for 36 hours then stayed on my own for 9 days. I couldn't go out during those 9 days and for the first 3 I slept a lot. For the next 6 I was well enough to WFH but had difficulty talking to people.

As your children are teens they should be old enough to sort themselves out including cleaning up after themselves and doing any basic household chores that need doing e.g. vacuuming. If they aren't then when you are better, you need to work on their independence skills so when they leave home they can manage.

Does anyone else prefer to be on their own when they're sick?

When I had quinsy (tonsillitis complications) on holiday I actually asked DP if he could go out as I wanted to lay in silence on my own
and not even have tv on, doors closing etc.

When I have a cystitis attack (with blood) I just want to be on my own either sitting in the toilet with a blanket, or in a spare room by myself.
I just want to be alone when I'm in pain, not have DP wonder around me like a scared /useless person

I had gallbladder out on a Tuesday and dh went to work Thursday. However he did keep in touch on his breaks.
I was mobile, capable of getting up and down the stairs and showering...I went for a walk on the Friday. So no reason for him to be off...I'd have hated it.

Depends on the surgery.

Something that has left you immobile and struggling, I'd expect support. However a small procedure then you're probably fine to be left.

Not super clear from your post but is he away on a work trip? If so I'd say going out was fine as it's not like he'd be helping you more by being at the hotel alone. If he's at home then yeah that's a bit off to go out without mentioning it to you in advance.

If you feel neglected then you need to talk to him about that. Personally when I've had day surgery DH has been back at work the next day or the day after that. Pre kids I just spent the week sat on the sofa playing video games, when we had a 1 year old I just took it easy with her - played at home, napped when she napped etc. I don't really see what help he'd be at home (especially as you don't have young kids) but of course it depends what you had done. If your teens are not very useful and your partner knew he had to work then I think prior to your surgery both of you should have thought about how to make life easier for you in the days after - meals in the freezer, make sure all the laundry is done and bed sheets changed, everything clean etc so you can just relax.

I've had multiple day surgeries under general, and had nobody to stay with me or even drive me home. The hospital insisted I stay in for 24 hours to clear the anaesthetic before I drove but otherwise was cleared to be alone.

Obviously you're feeling vulnerable and unsupported so you need a conversation with your husband about his emotional support or lack there of and your expectations going forward. But from a practical perspective unless the hospital gave instructions that you needed monitoring or specific help then I don't see an issue. Presumably your teenagers can mostly care for themselves?

I'm quite enjoying being Home Alone, till the kids get back. Bit vulnerable, signed off for two weeks, but should heal up and be driving next week.
It's just a long day when you are not 100% and no contact from DH from a hurried first call till a 10pm, been out having fun call felt rather long.
Thank you, those up in the early hours.

I think it really depends on how you feel. I was fine, up and running after my toddler the day after removal of a (8x5cm) benign tumor under GA. I did use paracetamol but that's it. It wouldn't occur to me that someone else would still need care or help days after without being told so, because that simply isn't my experience. But I would absolutely listen once told. Every surgery is different and people heal differently. He might just not realise that you need some extra care.

So I wouldn't call it neglect so easily, could just be a miscommunication.

I went back to work the day after my ERPC under GA the second time around. I was emotionally wrecked but wanted to keep busy, physically felt fine aside from a sort throat.

He shouldn’t have gone out after work, that’s out of order.

Depends what the procedure was I guess. I had a GA as a day case and within that time frame I was walking a couple of miles to go out for lunch.