There are large sections of the last 12 months that I just don't have and recollection of

[DetailMouse]

DH died 9months ago and was very ill for a year before that, so it's fairly to say I've been distracted, but I'm finding my memory is awful.

I've had to deal with a situation today where a staff member has made a major cock up. Not really through inability, she just hasn't done something she should have, over a long period of time. It's something that if she'd mentioned it to me or any one of our colleagues we'd have supported her to get it sorted but she didn't

Anyway, it's on me, I'll sort it and everything will be OK. However when telling my boss about it, she said this has happened before quite recently and found the email trail from October, including what I did to support the staff member and supposedly stop it happening again.

I honestly have no recollection at all of any of it. It's a bit scary actually There have been a few examples where I clearly haven't had my eye on the ball, but so far I've managed to pull things back just in time, this one has really shaken me and I don't know what to do!

I know losing your mum isn't the same and losing a spouse must have a huge impact. So I am not comparing. But mum died 3 months ago. I have e experienced the same.

I think its because these things, in the grand scheme, don't seem to matter as much. You do it, move on and your thoughts ares cluttered with so much more going on, they push it out. It must be even worse for you than it is for me.

I have read that it's quite normal. I am clinging to that wether it's true or not

I am so sorry for your loss.

Oh bless you, no wonder. Thats all very traumatic, in a very real sense. Be gentle with yourself xx

I am so very sorry for your loss....

You haven't done anything wrong here. People will understand.

I am constantly surprised by old emails as it is, and I know my vagueness gets dramatically worse when I am under stress. Losing your DH is about as much stress as one can imagine. So I would say this is entirely understandable and to be expected. Did you take enough time off in terms of compassionate leave? Maybe at the time you just wanted to plough on and keep busy, but you may need time to 'regroup' - or you may just need to take a compassionate approach to yourself now, and be given it by others.

Really sorry for your loss

OP, I wonder if you might be experiencing dissociation (a relatively common response to trauma). It may be worse speaking to your G.P (to rule out anything physical) and considering some trauma-focused therapy. In the meantime, if it is dissociation and it's causing you difficulties, "grounding" strategies can be helpful. Things like noticing your feet on floor, tasting or smelling something strong, reminding yourself of the date and the time. Listing five things you can see, touch, hear etc. Anything that helps you to feel present in the here and now. Take care