I’m worried I don’t love my mum properly anymore (caring)

[worried98076]

FT carer to mum, also studying . Posted on here for years but prefer to name change in case family recognise .

I love my mum - I think - but I’m struggling enormously with who she’s become . I miss her very, very much even though she’s still alive and sitting five feet away from me . She’s very mentally unwell, all the bits of her personality I love are still there I think but they’re so hard to find now . She doesn’t communicate with me much, she doesn’t cuddle me, she can’t advise me on anything, we can’t have a proper conversation or have fun really . Won’t do anything if I don’t prompt it . She doesn’t remember much about me most of the time . She doesn’t talk to my sister much at all - goes weeks without two words to her . It’s like she doesn’t care about us at all - I know it’s illness but it hurts .

My family are aware and are now trying to help and huge medical and social work team involved as of Christmas, but I’m scared and so lonely . I actively want them to admit mum to hospital . Because I want a break .

I keep thinking there’s obviously something wrong with me because I just feel frustrated, hurt and angry . My GP said my anger is misplaced because it’s not mum’s fault so who do I get angry with? Me?

I went out for lunch the other day with a lovely friend who’s like a mum to me - we went shopping, had lunch, split a bottle of wine, and I loved every minute of the time we were together and absolutely heartbroken when had to say goodbye again, and realising going home to the same old situation .

Am I daft for thinking there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way? I do care about mum and I love her very much but I don’t enjoy her company any more - what’s causing that? How do I fix it? I’ve tried finding things we can do together - films, cooking, TV, baking, crafts - but mum’s so ‘flat’ that she doesn’t respond to anything really, or can’t join in properly so it’s not the same . I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t want to tell family how I’m feeling in case they think bad of me, and GP has permission to discuss Mum with them, so I can’t talk to her confidentially either .

You aren't strange.

The Mum you love has all but disappeared and left a stranger in her place. That's difficult and very sad

Hi Op,

I'm in a similar situation Myself.

Feel like I'm grieving for the parent I've lost even though she's very much here.

I don't have any words of advice but just wanted to let you know, you're not alone and your feelings are absolutely valid

You can talk to the GP, they have permission to talk about your mum, not about you. Try to get as much help as possible to give you a rest. Can you get some carer's in to give you a brea

I have similar feelings, but in my case it's reversed and it's my son who is still here as a young adult, but mentally far away.
The difference is I have never known him any different.
It doesn't stop me longing to hear his voice and struggling to accept that I never will.

I sympathise, I feel exactly the same when I go to see my sister in a care home she is also very cross the whole time there is no light and shade in her personality any more. For me its like looking at a physically different person although she is only five years older than me one of the newer members of staff asked if I was her daughter!!
It is so sad, we were so close, she helped me so much when my DC's were little, now I feel there is nothing I can do for her, as I can't cure her, or make her life easier.

I don't enjoy my mums company either . Why are you your mums carer? Did you choose to be ? You don't have to be . Can't you get help ?

It sounds a bit like when I see people out with their Mum having an adult conversation and I realise I will never have that (DM died when I was a teenager). It’s grieving for a lost relationship because the reality is not what you imagined it would be.

(I think I would find it harder to deal with what you are going through than my DM dying. Having the person there but not really there at all must be so hard to deal with every day).
Don’t be hard on yourself - it’s a big thing you are dealing with.
to you and everyone struggling on this thread.

I think it is that you quite understandably hate the situation and the grief you are feeling, not that you don't love your Mum. Take all and any help, support and breaks offered and don't be afraid to insist on this

Your feelings are completely normal, I was the main carer for my mum after her stroke although we had carers in and I didn't live with her.

The mum I had previously known was not really there any more and she became very child like and kind of forgot how much if a demand this wax on my time.

I used to feel guilty for finding her irritating, I knew she couldn't help it but I also couldn't help how I felt. It's awful you are grieving the person while they are still in front of you.

@gunnersgold

I don't enjoy my mums company either . Why are you your mums carer? Did you choose to be ? You don't have to be . Can't you get help ?

There isn’t really any other option just now, the only other option we were given was a nursing home and I worry if I agreed to that she’d never recover . They said if she gets the right help and meds she could recover, but it all takes such a long time . You get told they’re going to do xyz, and it never happens .

Yes, it’s like grieving for someone who’s still alive . It’s exceptionally hard, every so often I think of something and I think oh, I’d love to tell mum, and then remember she won’t react any more . Or she reacts inappropriately . It’s hellish and I end up feeling so lonely, but too scared to contact anyone .

I’m so sorry to read everyone else’s stories , I worked in NHS and remember hearing relatives saying same but it’s so hard to empathise until you’re in that situation, it’s so, so difficult .

Hi op I'm in a similar situation like you, I care for my mum and my young DC, the mum I know is no longer there instead I have a mum who's soiling herself and having accidents on the carpets as she refuses to wear incontinence pads. I've no help and non of the services listen to me. My daughter has finally opened up to school and safeguarding is being put in place.. I started to care for my mum with a good heart and now fear I'll loose my children.