I’ve had mental health problems for a very long time; sort of like a generalised anxiety since about age 12 or so but also issues around separation anxiety as a child, emotional dysregulation, self harm, very low confidence and depression, binge eating .
I had a challenging childhood, I don’t know if it crosses into abuse as such - my GP in my twenties said it did . My dad left when I was very small . Both mum and dad cite domestic violence . My dad was a very unpleasant man . I remember witnessing violence and sexual abuse if that’s the word for it .
My mum has severe mental health issues . Has needed varying amounts of support my whole life, has been hospitalised, lots of suicide attempts . I was/am her emotional support and was told details of things I should never have been told .
We were always heavily involved with social services and other professionals (eg family support workers, young carers, private care) . There was abuse on a few occasions .
I was also badly bullied at school, and sexually assaulted in my teens and again in my twenties.
Since age 16 I’ve had to see various mental health folk . Have seen two psychiatrists, a psychologist, dozens of counsellors in different environments (eg school, Uni, NHS, my employer) . I’ve seen a GP at least every 4 weeks since 2007 .
I have held down a job and lived alone, I’m good at what I do . it’s just I’m socially very isolated - very lonely - and find it difficult to do the stuff I want to do eg I’d love to go to the pub, or go on holiday, or go for a walk outside - because I’m always too scared . When my mood changes it’s a bit extreme and I’m either very very low or self destruct mode - I struggle to recognise emotions and to deal with them without losing control - at both ends of the scale . I feel like I’m missing something that the rest of the world has in terms of friends and relationships, I feel very alone and behind everyone else .
Psychiatrist 1 said it’s just generalised anxiety; psychiatrist 2 said I’m probably autistic with overlay of mental health condition but said as I function reasonably well NHS won’t do much, unless I wanted to start quetiapine .
Went through a 9 month bout of very intense therapy last year - NHS, via GP referral - and the therapist’s conclusion at that point was that I had complex PTSD and OCD, had been abused by parents (inadvertently perhaps, she said the term is emotional incest) and said she thought I would probably need long term support and might always struggle/need to manage my mental health more than others .
Moved house and started with a new GP - they sent me back to community mental health (CMHT) .
CMHT said nope, it’s not for them, I fall under bracket of mild anxiety/depression and said to see primary care therapist .
She phoned last week (new therapist) and said we can start again with more CBT, when I said I was told its CPTSD she said ‘oh right, GP says it’s mild anxiety’.
She said off the back of that she can do some work but said CPTSD needs a referral to CMHT again, and them to accept it - because said I need trauma specific support . She said not sure if that’s likely to happen - so said the help she offers might not make a big difference, because I need longer term and more time etc.
Is it the case that the NHS doesn’t tend to diagnose mental health with a label and just go by treating the symptoms? I feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over again and never really getting any better and so frustrated - just a wee improvement, see a therapist, then slip back into old habits . I’m not sure what to do and scared it’s me doing something wrong that means I’m never getting better as such !
Apologies for the huge post, well done if you’ve finished it ! Is there anything I could/should do differently ? I’m at a bit of a loss . I feel like I’m going round and round in circles and never changing my life to be the way that I want it to be - and I’m so frustrated/angry with the world !