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Original poster

Is this wrong ?

22 replies

Cookiecrumble22 · 11/03/2022 14:18

My sons are 5 and 6 . My 6 year old has autism. When at school in the playground he sometimes gets upset /scared etc he gos to his brother who's 5. Who gives him a hug and a kiss. They play together alot although now and then they play with different friends. My friend says this is disgusting and that it should not be the responsibility of a 5 year old to look after a 6 year old and they should have separate friends and no one is thinking about the 5 year old only the 6 year old. She says 6 year old should be going to an adult not his younger brother . Does she have a point ?

OP posts:

Babadook76 · 11/03/2022 14:21

No, of course she doesn’t. If the younger one was constantly latched onto the older one then I’d see it as a problem, they need some time apart. But I think it would be abnormal for a sibling not to comfort the other one if they’re scared or hurt. Tell your friend to mind her own!

Stompythedinosaur · 11/03/2022 14:22

I sit somewhere between. I would encourage the 5yo to be kind, but I wouldn't want him to feel responsible in any way.

LaraDeSalle · 11/03/2022 14:24

Tell you friend, the eminent and well renowned child psychologist that in this instance her expertise on the subject matter is neither asked for or needed.

Your five year old will decide for himself if at any time in the future he doesn’t want to comfort his brother or play with him.

Interested in this thread?

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5 year olds 6 year olds Families

gamerchick · 11/03/2022 14:27

There's nothing wrong with this set up OP. Tell your friend to shut her yap and concentrate on her own kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 14:27

Your friend is a fucking idiot.

Watchkeys · 11/03/2022 14:29

What gives her the authority to tell you what you're doing right/wrong re parenting (or anything else)? Is she qualified in any way?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 11/03/2022 14:30

It's not disgusting at all. As long as your 5 year old doesn't grow up to think it's his responsibility. But showing compassion, empathy and kindness to a sibling are fantastic life skills aren't they?

Moodycow78 · 11/03/2022 14:32

Good god what an awful 'friend', I'd tell her to mind her own business. The boys are close in age and it's lovely they seek support from each other when upset, my twins do this for each other. I wouldn't worry xx

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2022 14:33

I agree and I sit somewhere inbetween in that of course the 5 year old should comfort the 6 year old but not at the expense of the 5 year old.

DD friend in Year 6 had her youngest sister join who found it difficult and constantly went to the sibling for comfort. She then spent so much time looking after her she didnt spend time with her friends and started to feel left out. In the end her mother did ask for the teachers to deal with the younger sibling to leave the older alone

Your five year old will decide for himself if at any time in the future he doesn’t want to comfort his brother or play with him.

And this then is a problem because what does his brother do then? How do you handle the fact that the younger one wants to and should find and play with his own friends and how the older one copes.

So yes I think she does have a point

Sirzy · 11/03/2022 14:33

@Stompythedinosaur

I sit somewhere between. I would encourage the 5yo to be kind, but I wouldn't want him to feel responsible in any way.

This.

There a fine line and you don’t want the youngest to feel like he always has to be on the watch out but at the same time he will always be there and be nice when he sees something.

I also would be concerned that school aren’t doing what is needed to help him feel secure in his environment and if his brother is always the comfort point arent leanring how to help him.

Iuwiwo · 11/03/2022 14:33

Your friend is an idiot and you have good children who look out for each other so all of you 3 should be proud of each other.
The other day I was driving my 4 and 6 years old to Judo and I heard my 4 years old saying to my eldest - you will watch for me yes, you will take of me yes, you won't let me fall yes and my son said of course I will.
And I just thought that's how much comfort they take in each other. They aren't adults, they are children.

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2022 14:35

And I think your friend is saying it is disgusting (at least I hope she is) not that the 5 year old is comforting or that the 6 year old goes but that the school isnt actually coming up with any solutions and allowing the 6 year old to get upset.

How long are they going to be in the same playground for him to do so?

Thethreecs · 11/03/2022 14:37

Oh this is so sweet and your son is adorable. No harm in comforting sibling. Don't mind your friend. Your son who has autism will feel secure knowing that he can get a hug and kiss and continue on playing.

I've a disabled dd and her older siblings always hug and kiss her and comfort her and she loves it.

It's not like you're asking your son to raise his brother and putting everything upon him.

ValkyrieVik · 11/03/2022 14:40

Your friend said it's disgusting that one of your children looks out for his brother who has SEN?

If so, SHE's the disgusting one!

That is not a friend OP.

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 11/03/2022 14:46

@Thethreecs

I've a disabled dd and her older siblings always hug and kiss her and comfort her and she loves it.

It's not like you're asking your son to raise his brother and putting everything upon him.

Yes it is just like this . They are very close and they really love each other . They always sit next to each other at home. They are like best friends. I think its just In the 5 year old nature. Like in his class he will say to another child do you want to sit with me. You can use my pencil if you like etc. So I think its just how he is. I know they used to play with each other (every) play time. But they have started playing with different friends sometimes so its starting to happen naturally.

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 11/03/2022 15:34

Your friend is an arse. Its called siblings looking out for each other which I imagine has been happening since the dawn of mankind

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 11/03/2022 18:23

I don't know what my friend was expecting the school to do. Unless they actually follow the 6 year old around play ground and don't take their eyes off him. I think it would actually upset the 5 year old to stop him comforting his brother .

She also said about they should have their own separate friends etc. Which would not work anyway . As you can't really tell children which brother they can play with or make their friends choose. She was saying how they are 2 children they are their normal person.

But I see it as they are still young they are very close. As they get older that may change. So I think it'd good they have a closeness.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2022 18:39

Does the school know he is upset and struggling at playtime without his brother?

It is lovely that they have that closeness and it is amazing and it is good they play together but as they grow older they will be in different playgrounds etc and so some awareness by the school it might be an issue would be a good thing.

They can be close, have separate friends and be treated as two different children. All are correct OP and of course he should comfort his brother.

But what is being done to stop him needing to be comforted in the first place - what is the cause of the upset him being scared - that is what you should be raising with the school.

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 11/03/2022 19:09

@Quartz2208

Does the school know he is upset and struggling at playtime without his brother?

They can be close, have separate friends and be treated as two different children. All are correct OP and of course he should comfort his brother.

But what is being done to stop him needing to be comforted in the first place - what is the cause of the upset him being scared - that is what you should be raising with the school.

Yes I agree they can have separate friendships and friends in common as well. They used to be in each others pockets. But now they play separately as well its a bit of a mix. So I do think that's a good thing.

Ds can get upset over things like he does not like the lines on the paper. Other times he does not know himself why he's upset. It could be just that he's overwhelmed or sensory over load.

The school are really good. The TA often takes him for a walk round the school. Or to the sensory room. And they will have a chat about his feelings what makes him sad or what makes him happy etc. We are currently waiting on an EHCP

He had said hes scared of going into year 3. But they will work with him on that.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 11/03/2022 19:17

And will Year 3 separate him from his brother? Or is the school small enough that it wont?

Years 1 and 2 sharing a playground (and reception if your younger is there) is common.

Year 3 often are a different playground area and possibly different playground time

Original poster

Cookiecrumble22 · 11/03/2022 19:28

@Quartz2208

And will Year 3 separate him from his brother? Or is the school small enough that it wont?

Years 1 and 2 sharing a playground (and reception if your younger is there) is common.

Year 3 often are a different playground area and possibly different playground time

Yes it will be a separate playground. He has asked me things like will my friends go with me. And I have said yes they will so he can still play with his friends etc . And I have said things like you and brother can see each other after school ride your scooters together has a nice chat about your day and things like that . The school always take year 2 into year 3 for the day to prepare them for the change. They will do some extra things with ds more often abd leading up to the change .

OP posts:

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 11/03/2022 19:44

That person is not your friend
Leave the bitch

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