I don't think I can do this anymore

[JustCompletelyAtALoss]

Warning: long winded pity party ahead.

Every year since 2015/16 I've tried to be positive and think 'this is the year things will go right/get better'. I've tried so, so hard to help myself and change what needed changing but every time fate has just slapped me down.

Left an abusive marriage. 18 months of acrimonious divorce whilst living in less than ideal circumstances

Finally got my own place and PTSD reared it's ugly head.

On the day I got a letter offering me counselling, my dad had a catastrophic accident which lead to his decline and ultimately death.

He was on end of life care throughout the pandemic and I gave up my work to care for him and support my mum, who agreed to help me out financially for a while. The idea was I would try and build up a small business/do some freelance work.

None of it has worked. Mum is very challenging and our relationship is fraught which takes up so much time, energy and brainspace I've just not managed to engage with anything workwise.

I started job hunting at the beginning of the year...applying for 6-10 jobs a week. Have had some positive interviews and feedback but no one actually wants to hire me.

I have an interview lined up next week for a job I don't really want with a company that has an appalling reputation but financially I'll have no choice but to take it if it's offered. I have to be working in the next six weeks. I keep telling myself it would only be temporary but it's full time so I wouldn't be able to interview for other jobs.

Mum and I are fighting constantly...we just don't get each other at all which is stressful and heartbreaking. I feel like I've lost both parents but still have all the responsibility.

Teenage daughter has been absolutely amazing, we get on really well but I feel like I'm failing her on every level. Who wants a fat, scruffy, depressed, financial liability for a mum?

After the pandemic and her largely losing me to caring commitments I wanted to make this last 18 months before she goes away to uni special but that's impossible

We had a nasty car accident earlier this week...miraculously no real injuries, but very traumatic and car will probably be written off. It's really affecting her mental health and confidence and I'm terrified she's going to end up like me, when she has so much potential.

I don't know how to help her move forward other than offering her lots of love and platitudes. Won't be able to afford to replace her little car (was taking her out for driving practice but the accident was caused by a mechanical issue, absolutely not her fault).

I've barely dated since my marriage broke down. A couple of recent ones I've got on well with the guys concerned but haven't come to anything and I can only assume it's because of my appearance. Tbf dating is really the least of my worries but I think the accident have hammered home the fact that I'm on my own and no-one really cares about me (obviously DD and mum for her own reasons, but no-one 'independent' iykwim).

I've tried to get help for my weight and have HRT treatment pending but everything feels impossible at the moment. It will take months if not years for me to reach a decent weight and then I'll probably still look like shit because of loose skin so there doesn't really seem to be much point trying.

Everything I had planned to look forward to or to help towards developing myself from a career pov has had to be cancelled due to lack of funds/time/poor mental health.

My closest friend who has been my absolute rock for the last couple of years is moving away in a few weeks. Not far but will be flat sharing with a friend with plenty of disposable income and who, like her, doesn't have any commitments, in an area with great opportunities for going out/socialising/hobbies etc, so we'll see less of each other. I have a tiny handful of other friends but only one I could turn to in a crisis and they all have their own partners, kids, friends and jobs which keep them busy.

I'm looking at having to sell my little house to try and make things easier financially (even if I get a job imminently, with playing catch up from time off work, increasingly cost of living and DD going to uni next year it will be a struggle to manage) but can't even get the ball rolling with that as until I'm working I won't be able to sort my mortgage out.

I keep getting thoughts of 'if you just tackle one thing at a time' and 'only you can sort it all out' but it's all interlinked and whatever way I turn it's catch 22. I'm exhausted with trying so hard and nothing every getting better, just worse.

I feel like all I can do is try to accept that going forward I won't have a life, just an existence, which frankly makes me feel suicidal but I could never do that to DD.

I'm already on antidepressants. Contacted the local NHS counselling service last year and they said they didn't feel they could help me and I should look at private therapy...ha, fucking ha!

I know this is just a massive outpouring of self pity...I just needed to get it all off my chest.

And if anyone can suggest a way I can just resign/numb myself to the fact that this is just the way things are for me now, perhaps that will help.

Sorry to hear you have had such a rough time of it , sounds awful and totally understandable you are feeling rotten. Anyone would after going through all that. Go easy on yourself!

First of all, well done on leaving an abusive marriage. That takes a lot of guts and you should be applauded for taking a stand, even if it has meant living in less than ideal circumstances for a while.

Condolences about your dad , you did a very caring thing, giving up a lot to care for him, especially through a pandemic, and he passed knowing that he had a lovely caring daughter. Your relationship with your mum will no doubt have an effect on how you cope and see yourself. Having a challenging mother is very stressful and can deeply affect you, I know from experience. I know this isn't always easy or doable, but is there any way you can reduce contact with your mum? Maybe you'd get on better if not around her as often? Easier said than done, but if she is being extremely challenging, reducing contact might be for the best in the long run and would make things much easier.

If you do get this job (or not), keep looking and applying, and hopefully something will come up. Are you applying to different types of work, or a specific field? If a specific field, would you consider changing direction and trying something else even just for now until you get back on your feet? What about your business idea and freelance work, isnthat an option?

Don't beat yourself up about not spending as much time as you like with your DD, you have done something even better, you have shown her you are someone for her to look up to and admire, taught her respect and family loyalty. You are a shining example of a caring, responsoble adult, and that is an amazing thing so go easy on yourself. You have such an amazing relationship with your teenage daughter, something so many people don't have. Sounds like you've done an amazing job with her.

Re weight, don't look too far ahead and just focus on small wins. You know the quote, 'you don't have to see the full staircase to take the first step'? Apply that here, separate it into steps and set smaller targets and look how far you've came not how far to go. Not easy, but if you feel overwhelmed and question what's the point, it might help to think like this? Also, weigh up your options, you can either not try and stay as you are, or try and start making progress, no matter how slow?

In the meantime however, speak to your gp and be firm about the help you need. Doesn't sound right to be refused NHS counselling, tell your gp what you told us on here about feeling suicidal if wasn't for your DD. Or perhaps they can recommend something else to help. Make that appointment.

I hope things get better for you

Be kinder to yourself - you're an absolute warrior survivor, not the things you described yourself as

Thank you for not calling me a self pitying drama llama.

I know there's so much else going on...just feel like I never catch a break.

@Lubeyboobyalt

I thought by now I'd have restarted my career, be in a new relationships, sorted out my weight and generally have a fairly peaceful, happy life, but it's all still a battle all the bloody time.

@Lubeyboobyalt it's lovely to be called a warrior but thh I just want curl up under my shield have a cry and a sleep and wake up when all the demons have fucked off.

Am feeling slightly better than I was first thing though...ding ding, Round 1, 563, 892...

@Cocycola I'd resolved quite happily to go with the slowly does it approach to everything and tbf January got off to a decent start, but then it started to slide and the last few weeks have been an avalanche of crap.

@JustCompletelyAtALoss it is very hard and so disheartening when you try and try but everything seems to be going against you. Please speak to your gp about getting some counselling, you shouldn't be refused help if you need it.

I'm sorry to hear you were in an accident. That's a big shock to the system and clearly you have had a lot of shit to deal with. I get annoyed being called a survivor as well btw.

There might be gasps of horror at this but I have decided to stop worrying about my weight. I tried Saxenda and really thought that I would go for weight loss surgery if it didn't work. It didn't help me and then I thought, fuck it, if I'm fat, I'm fat.

I've even bought new clothes for the first time in years - including a biker style jacket which doesn't look horrendous! I ignored all the "better dressing" advice because I just wanted to lose weight.

The battle it takes to lose a pound just isn't worth it to me but I appreciate everyone is different.

I've been on anti depressants for years so I can relate to that too. And friends moving away etc.

It sounds like there's a lot of urgency to finding a job so I would tackle that first. I can't help re relationships as I prefer being single. Could you face putting that on hold?

*sorry, in the past I ignored the better dressing advice

Oh honey... It's OK to have a pity party of one. But not to stay there.
@Cocycola

Excellent post...
When I was down and everything seemed to pile up on me and I felt as if I were drowning I went to the library and read books on self help.
I couldn't afford to buy them.
Take ONE thing at a time.
You are absolutely overwhelmed.
I am so sorry... life will get better, but you have to do the work!
[flower]

OP I don't see any pity parties here

I have been told a couple of times that I have PTSD. Thought it was nonsense in my case. This guy talks a lot about PTSD, especially from relationships. Those bits don't apply to me but it helped with the memories of dad suffering before death. I also cared for him. It's a dreadful experience.

In fact, in case it makes you feel better, I will add, a family friend recently died quickly after refusing treatment. As well as feeling I could relate to his choice, I was so glad he spared his family all the stuff we went through. I can't say it to anyone IRL but I feel grateful to him for doing that. My dad would not go gentle.....it was appalling.

Anyway, I have seen the first three videos and found them really helpful for other stuff too.

I'm so sorry op. What a dreadful time you've had.

My "relationship" with my own mum is difficult and God knows I do my best - as im sure you do - but don't minimise the effect this dysfunctional relationship is having on you....

Concentrate on YOU and YOUR DD. In the final analysis that's all that matters.

I remind myself often that if I dropped dead tomorrow my mum would sail on regardless because she would have to

Make sure you rest after your accident x

Thanks all.

I am feeling a little better for the rant and I managed to take all the meds this morning (when I feel shit I tend to get a bit lax which then makes me feel worse and then I cba and so on and so on).

@EmmaH2022 I'm actually not 100% unhappy being single...there's lots I enjoy about it, but after such a long time I find myself noticing the bits I miss more, especially when something crap happens and it rubs in the fact that I have no-one really...no partner, no siblings. I don't want to end up leaning on my DD the way my mother does on me I have a couple of lovely friends, a couple who are less available and the remainder, whilst great people, are long distance.

I've applied for two more jobs today, done some very boring life admin, spoken to the mortgage company and arranged for the estate agent to come and value the house next week. I hope DD takes it OK...we've made it such a lovely little home, but I guess we can do it again and she'll be off to uni next year anyway.

At my mums tonight (although DD and I are going out this evening). Couple of days of self care when I get home tomorrow, then pick myself up, dust myself off and start again for the umpteenth time 🙄

Are you downsizing?

I have made really stupid errors with meds and then find myself without enough brain to realise what I've done. It's usually because I want to see if I can reduce or come off in the hope of losing weight.

Bit confused, you're out with your DD tonight and then staying at your mum's?

I stay at mums every Thursday, but DD and I have got tickets for a comedy gig tonight that we booked about a year ago so we've been here this afternoon, had dinner, going to show then coming back to sleep.

And yes the plan is to downsize from a 3 bed terrace to 2 bed flat.

I think houses are doing well in the "race for space" so you should hopefully do well out of downsizing.

I would definitely try to spend less time with your mum though, as you don't get on. Having a fixed night to stay over sounds like a chore.

With the accident, I think sometimes when you have a shocking thing happen, it brings back memories of other shocking things. The guy I linked to has a thing about repeating "I am not my emotional flashbacks" and I found that helpful to keep telling myself that.

I hope you enjoy the comedy night.

@JustCompletelyAtALoss

And yes the plan is to downsize from a 3 bed terrace to 2 bed flat.

OP please consider ringing the Samaritans when you get a spare moment. You dont need to feel suicidal it is also a service for the emotionally isolated as they offer a non judgemental listening ear.

The GP may only be able to refer you for 6 weeks CBT such is the constraints of the NHS.

The Samaritans really can be a fantastic service. Of course all listeners will vary and you may not click with them all. Keep ringing and trying different ones each time is all I can suggest.

PTSD after abuse can take a while. Eventually it will clear but hard to say when.

Good luck op.