Hi,
I have a 15 year old dd who I had quite young - early 20's. I wasn't financially secure, in an unhappy relationship and generally, just not in a good place.
Anyway, dd is likely on the autistic spectrum, but we haven't pushed for a diagnosis as she generally copes well and doesn't require intervention within school. She's just a bit "different" I suppose, but I have always felt like her social struggles are all my fault.
As I said, I wasn't in a good place for a long time before and after having her and I know I didn't socialise her enough. I was constantly on the edge of a panic attack, so would sometimes not even make it to the park or the toddler group. Usually I would, but my goodness it was hard! I just had this constant feeling of fear and overwhelming unhappiness. Not good times.
I always loved her more than anything and would die for her from the moment she was born, but even so, I do feel like I let her down so much.
Skip forward to today and I'm re married, financially secure and am more together, I suppose you could say. Generally dd is happy, but she does have struggles. As all parents do, I worry about her so much. Too much, if there is such a thing. I jump to worse case scenario and I'm sure this has had a negative impact on her. I do try and I have had help, but nothing seems to really work. Not long term anyway.
Going back to the title and the "PRE guilt", dp is a high earner (I appreciate we're lucky!)and we were talking about where would like to live in the future, which should have been a nice, exciting conversation, but it all just felt so wrong. Don't get me wrong, dd lives in a nice house, in a nice area now, but I don't feel like it's right to upgrade to a big house after she leaves home. It may sound crazy, but it genuinely upsets me. I know people will say it's just material, it doesn't matter, but it does bother me enormously.
I wish she was 10 years younger and she could have had more the happy and together mum that I am now.
Dp thinks I'm being so silly not just looking forward to our future and I should just be happy, excited and grateful, but the guilt is so overwhelming, that I can't get in that mind set. The thought of living in a lovely big house, leaves me a bit cold if I think dd isn't there. As much as she drives me up the wall sometimes 
a house won't be a home without her, so why would I get excited about a bigger kitchen or en suit bathroom? It wouldn't mean anything. Does that make sense at all?
Thank you for reading.