8 year says I'm always moaning at her

[Slagertha]

Every morning before school is a nightmare, DD back chats, is grumpy and has to be asked over and over to do things. This morning I had to ask her 4 times to go and put some socks on...then she said she couldn't wear the socks because she can't stand the feel of the seems on her toes, Multiple asks before she would brush her teeth and upon me asking I got shouts of 'stop moaning at me, you're always moaning!' And to be honest it has really got me down, on the way to school I tried to talk to her and asked what she thought we could try to make mornings easier and smoother for all of us and she just started crying and told me to stop talking about it/shushing me! By that point I did moan and told her that her attitude needed to change because I'm getting fed up of her being rude every morning 😫.
What do I do! She struggles to get to sleep of an evening and will sometimes still be calling down to me at 10 o'clock at night which I know doesn't help her in the morning but we've tried earlier bed times, going on bike rides after school to tire her out but it's like she just cant switch off..I feel really shit about it all, I just want her to be happy!

Not a major fix but get her to wear her socks inside out. What time does she wake? When she goes to bed does she read while waiting to drift off?

I hear you. It's horrible when you drop them ar school after a crap morning. Is there something in particular keeping her awake? Any worries or something she's scared of? Obviously if she had more sleep she would be a better morning person.

With the socks she could turn them inside out or get seamless ones. Anything to make it slightly easier.

Maybe try putting a morning routine together and make it into a poster for her wall so she starts to follow each step on time and starts to get a bit more independent.

Seamless socks sockshop lifesaver in my house

Does she have SEN?

To be honest, if that were my DD I'd simply snap back "if you did what I said, when I said it, I wouldn't need to moan" ... and then think no more of it.

But I understand it's annoying and grating (from both sides) and I understand that we're just trying to raise children up to be friendly, happy, polite, stable, decent human beings, the need to ask for the same thing 100 times and receiving backchat shakes our confidence in that.

I'm sure we should all read that book: How To Talk So Kids Will Listen...(or whatever it's called).

But I haven't, because I'm too busy moaning at DD to put her tights on.

Can't help with the routine part, but I have to really prompt myself to praise really mundane behaviour when I get into a but of a moany cycle with dd1. Stuff that is just 'expected' I try and notice and praise.

If you have an alexa or simillar, can you use that to give reminders/alarms so that it's not actually you?

Could she try a white noise machine at bedtime? That helps my 5yr old relax, she also has a pillow spray which is lovely, don't know if it works but could be worth a try, we switch between both scents (i had to get it as she kept having bad dreams and told her this 'magic spray' helped give her good dreams and sleep better)
www.boots.com/bloom-blossom-caterpillar-baby-pillow-spray-10272072
www.boots.com/bloom-blossom-matilda-pillow-spray-75ml-10256935
could she try new socks: www.marksandspencer.com/3-pairs-of-ultimate-comfort-socks/p/clp22473483?extid=ps_ps-gpla_ggl_school_ch__-UK-_-_baussc&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI0uvkxuG49gIVAZ7tCh2qgAxbEAQYASABEgJxm_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

To be honest, if that were my DD I'd simply snap back "if you did what I said, when I said it, I wouldn't need to moan" ... and then think no more of it.

This was me about 50% of the time.

The simple things you can do? get everything ready the night before. She chooses the socks (buy her better socks if they bother her) etc. She has to do it with you so that there can be no comeback about socks, don't like this that or the other etc.

Bags packed, lunchbox done, snackbox done, absolutely everything that can be done before is done before.

Start getting up earlier. 15 - 30 minutes makes a huge difference in terms of allowing her to dawdle about but still be on time.

When she's doing her night-time thing - remind her that this is the behaviour that leads to moaning the next day. Others will give you much better advice about night time routines. One of mine still doesn't regularly sleep through the night and they're in their 20s. (they stopped crashing into my room at 3am shouting "I CAN'T SLEEP" at about age 9.)

Just solidarity from my as sounds like my 7yo. I find it's better if she will get dressed and ready before she starts doing any of her own things. If she's playing or drawing already then she doesn't want to stop to get ready and perceives my asking as nagging. Which it is! Because she won't get sodding ready!

If she habitually dawdles and complains, and needs telling umpteen times to do this or that, then TBH I’d stop prompting her - let her be late for school a few times and see how she likes that.

At 8 I’d probably tell her in advance that since she objects to it it I won’t be ‘moaning’ at her any more - but if she’s late for school through dawdling it’ll be her own fault.
I’d still get everything ready the night before, though.

I have her uniform ready for her to get up and get on in the morning, breakfast is prepared for her, I get her coat out and put her books/sandwich bag and drink together so she literally just has to get herself ready and brush her teeth by herself!
I don't know if she has sen, but she is extremely sensitive and even things like completing a homework sheet can work her up to the point where she's on the verge of tears and or a tantrum! It obviously makes me feel terrible that she feels like I'm moaning at her all the time but as someone pointed out, she's not listening and it's not just once, it's repeatedly 😔 I've told her not going to sleep makes her grumpy in the morning but it's like she literally can't switch off, as if she can't help it. She even reads in bed and it doesn't make her sleepy...the only thing I could do is lie with her until she goes off but even then it could take her ages! X

My 8 year old ds is the same. My 13 year old is also bad but not as cheeky.

This was my 9yo a few months ago. We looked at why he was staying awake so long and l discovered he is scared someone will get in the house when he is in bed, so l spend 30 mins in my room and he is a sleep within that time, otherwise he was awake at 10pm.

I also don’t think talking to her on the way to school will achieve anything, maybe do it after school and talk about why you have to be on time and the pressure it causes when she back chats/ takes forever.

I have to be at work 30 minutes after the school drop off and as l have two breakfast club in school would cost me £13 a day so that’s not an option, so l also now have a three strikes rule then you lose your electronics that night.

One thing i did when my DCs accused me of constantly nagging/moaning at them was to count. So it would be:
Put your socks on - one
put your socks on - two
put your socks on - three

etc etc. And if they said "you moan too much" i used to say "you don't listen enough i asked you 12 times" or whatever. It didn't often help, but it did show them that they were unreasonable on the very rare occasions they thought about it.

Other times i would give them 1 call 2 reminders then "ok off we go" and they would have to go out in whatever they had on their feet. (and yes they got to kindergarten in PJs more than once and i wouldn't take any criticism from anyone because life is too short.

I've drawn up a list of what she needs to do when she wakes up, so that she can get on with it, without me moaning. I'm also going to put an alarm clock in her room so that she has to get out of bed to turn it off... here's hoping it goes smoother and we can get to the school on time! X