What should I do regarding dd and this boy?

[Bogiesaremyonlyfriend]

For context I'm in the process of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship so feel this may be triggering me and dont want to go in all guns blazing and over react, also dont want to minimize what's happening....

Dd is 9 and in year 5 at school. She has just been moved to sit next to a boy and it's not going well. Apparently he sings and talks constantly and if she tells him to stop he tells her to chill out or stop being so boring etc. At times he has denied he is doing anything (in my opinion this is gaslighting- literally denying he is singing when he is) yesterday she was in floods of tears after school because they had to do a project in pairs, he told her she wasnt allowed to have a go until he said she could, took her school equipment and broke it, told her she didnt know what she was doing and is stupid so couldnt help, then got it all wrong and the project failed. When she asked him to stop ruining her equipment, he was stabbing her pencils into a bottle to try and make a hole but broke the pencils, he took her pencil case and hid it.

I have spoken to dd about how this is not acceptable but I want to go in to school and have a word with the class teacher. Would it be reasonable to ask for her to be moved away from him? Or am I just over reacting to basic childrens behaviour?? Thanks

Definitely ask to to moved. That's horrible 😔

I'd go in and absolutely ask for your child to be moved.

Sounds like your well behaved child is being sat next to the disruptive child to try and chaperone the disruptive kid and make him 'better'

I have when teachers do that, my eldest went through similar and I went in and asked the teacher to move her apparently lots of parents had complained about the other child and so teacher saw fit to put my child with the disruptive one as she thought I wouldn't say anything,

Definitely give the school a call this morning and go and see the teacher before it gets worse- unacceptable

By Y5, I think you should be giving your DD tools to deal with this and encouraging her to speak to her teacher herself.

If that doesn't work, then yes, approach the teacher yourself.

She has been upset most days since she was moved next to him. She loves school and is very well behaved (possible asd) she is very black and white regarding rules so him breaking the rules really upsets her, for example he was eating sweets in class and giving them to his friends but told her she wasnt allowed to tell on him but didnt give her any, not that she would have taken them, but still.

I just dont want to be 'that parent's but dont want to teach my daughter to accept abuse

If this was my daughter I would definitely speak to the teacher and ask for her to be moved. I don’t think your overreacting at all she shouldn’t have to put up with this.

Seeline I am trying to teach her but her social anxiety means she would never speak to her teacher unfortunately. Not yet anyway. We are just at the stage of her speaking to him to answer questions etc so this would just be too much.

Speak to the teacher. It's their job to deal with the behaviour not your dds ro absorb it. The teacher probably knows she is anxious and won't say anything. It will be the precise reason she's been sat there.

Your dd needs you to show her that her feelings matter. That she's not responsible for solving adults problems for them

This is unacceptable and I’d go and speak to the teacher; your daughter needs to be moved pronto, and also see there’s a benefit/point to telling you things.

It’s all very well equipping her with the ability to speak to the teacher herself etc, but this has gone on for a week, her schooling comes first.

Have chat with teacher after school today if you can?

Its a classic case of a well behaved girl being used as a calming influence on a badly behaved boy, at detriment to the girl. I had one at school and my dd did too. You need to complain to the teacher about this.

As a teacher, I’d say tell them exactly what this boy is doing and insist they move him. He should be sitting on his own. If the class is very disruptive, they may not be aware of exactly what is happening (they should be on it, but if there are 25 little —shits— monkeys playing up, it can be difficult to spot if this boy is clever about it. I’d be appalled by this behaviour in my classroom so definitely tell them.

Please tell them op. And don’t let underlying uncertainty make you apologetic about doing it. You are quite right, your instincts are absolutely spot on and your dd needs you to have her back. Wishing you luck.

Op you talk about being 'that parent', I can assure you that this situation most definitely not come under that category.
This situation requires you to speak to the teacher without delay and insist that your DD is not used as a chaperone/babysitter/calming influence for the other child.
The school need to find another way to deal with his behaviour, using your DD as some sort of support or prop is outrageous and is clearly already having a detrimental effect on her education.

Thanks, good to have some perspective. I'll speak to the teacher today and insist he is moved straight away. My poor little dd.

I echo everyone else - you’re not overreacting. Definitely speak to her teacher and outline everything that’s been said. Insist she’s moved.

This will also help give her the message that the boy’s behaviour is not acceptable and she shouldn’t have to put up with it.

Insist that she be moved without delay.

Teach her that she is empowered to remove herself from his bullshit.

I refuse to sit well behaved, conscientious girls next to badly behaved boys. It teaches girls on quite an insidious level that they are responsible for managing boys' behaviour.

Speak to the teacher.