Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

If you wanted one more child, but you couldn’t have one, how long did it take you to come to terms with it?

14 replies

Howlongdidittake · 09/03/2022 09:20

I wanted another child. At first, I quite wanted another and then, when it was hard to conceive, I really wanted another - and then in the end I desperately wanted another.

But it’s very unlikely and I need to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t going to happen. I’ve probably known this for a year now.

How did you get over it if you went through something similar?

Will it always feel like someone is missing? That’s how it feels to me now. I know that’s not a helpful or rational thing to feel!

Please tell me how I just move on from this. I am the sort of person who ruminates a lot, I can see this being a big regret for me throughout my life and I don’t want to carry that pain.

OP posts:

RonCarlos · 09/03/2022 09:23

I know exactly how you feel, wanted one more, didn't get and it has been painful for me in ways I find very hard to share with anyone (including DH). It is something I think about all the time a lot. Tbh I am hoping time will help me come to terms with it. And maybe a dog

Original poster

Howlongdidittake · 09/03/2022 11:39

@RonCarlos

Yes I can relate! I can’t talk about it with DH as he thinks I’m blaming him (I’m not) or that I’m obsessing (maybe

A dog sounds lovely! I hope time helps you, too

OP posts:

BlueSlate · 09/03/2022 13:22

I think I just accepted it.

I have two. I always knew I wanted three but I was so ill with my second that I made a promise to the universe that, if my second arrived safely, I wouldn't risk a third.

So I put all my energies into the two I have. I have a niece who comes to stay with us for a week or so at a time and, the age difference between my two and my daughter and niece is similar. When they were younger, and the three were together, i could see how great a life with three would have been.

But I never break a promise...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health

BlueSlate · 09/03/2022 13:22

I guess I'm just pragmatic about it.

Bigtom · 09/03/2022 13:35

I’ve come to terms with it in the last year or so. My only child is now nearly 9. For me, I think it was the realisation that the age gap would be so big now that my existing child wouldn’t gain much from a sibling. And the fact that I’m now going through the menopause, so it’s physically too late anyway. I hope you find some peace, it’s very hard.

coreground · 09/03/2022 13:58

I'm still quite bitter about it. My DD is almost 4, so the age gap is getting too big to have the family I wanted. It's not so much ruminating but I'm constantly reminded if I take DD to a playground or soft play and there are families with siblings playing together. But then (especially in the younger years) that's hard work to juggle 2+ young dc so I feel a bit pleased that I can focus on my one DD, watching other parents struggle with a young baby plus preschooler, or complaining about the cost of things which I can easily afford with just one dc.

Original poster

Howlongdidittake · 09/03/2022 15:06

I’d like to be a bit pragmatic about it - to see the things that are possible without a small baby /toddler etc. It’s hard though but I think it’s a useful way to reframe it maybe?

to you all going through the same.

OP posts:

Mayhemmumma · 09/03/2022 15:36

I wanted a third and it never happened, no contraception so I suppose it might but youngest is now 8.
I'm over it, I accept my two are the best thing in my world a wonderful blessing and that's enough.

My husband however still holds onto a bit of hope.

Mayhemmumma · 09/03/2022 15:39

Also I remind myself how well I sleep now ...and I got a very adorable dog!

Porcupineintherough · 09/03/2022 15:42

About 8 years. Menopause really helps.

Pumperthepumper · 09/03/2022 15:43

I think it just gets less painful as your existing child(ren) grow. For all I loved most of the tiny baby stage, I actually much prefer them growing up. They’re much more fun, and more interesting and they see the world in new ways, you see them making really close friendships and having their own ambitions and opinions, it’s really great.

Dembones292 · 09/03/2022 15:53

My hormones felt like they switched off when DS was around 5, I just didn't have that awful urge anymore and then when he got to about 10 I really started to see that he was absolutely fine as an only child and there were actually a tonne of benefits to it. He's 13 now and I couldn't imagine what life would be like with another, we do great the 3 of us. As a pp said, we did get a dog which helped!

Hopefully it won't hurt forever, I was very upset about it for a while and it doesn't really cross my mind anymore. I do get the off niggle that I would have liked a girl (as well as DS) but obviously that's never a given no matter how many kids you have.

GrouchyKiwi · 09/03/2022 16:08

Time, really, and I agree that your children getting older does help. I like that they don't wake us up in the night any more, and can dress themselves.

I get a twinge of sadness every now and then - like when I spend time with my friends' beautiful sons, and I feel a bit of sorrow that I'll never have my own son - but mostly I have come to feel that my three beautiful, spirited girls make my life full enough already.

I think it has been harder for me to come to terms with the fact that my body doesn't let me do so much of what I want to do, more than not having more children, if that makes sense.

for you.

2022HereWeCome · 09/03/2022 16:27

Hi OP, I had a long and difficult journey to have DS. I was emotionally drained and had no resilience left - combination of factors including a difficult post-birth period. I simply couldn't cope with the thought of more miscarriages and then by the time I felt it might be possible I really was too old. It hurt for a few years, especially because one of my losses was a girl, but I am mainly OK now. Every year DS got older helped.

Flip